Coping Measures

Writers: Devin, Rochelle
Date Posted: 23rd September 2009

Characters: D'ren, Eleada
Description: D'ren takes up Eleada's offer to talk about his nightmares.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 4, day 7 of Turn 5

D'ren spent several minutes debating whether or not he should get out of bed and bother Eleada. }:She said to go to her any time. Should I ask Gliorith to wake her?:{

**No, don't bother her.** D'ren sighed. **I'll get up.** He got out of bed and pulled on the shirt and shorts he'd worn that day. The halls were quiet. Most of those that were up at this candlemark would be down in the bowl or the kitchens, taking advantage of the cooler nighttime weather. He reached the Wingthird's door and hesitated. He hoped she didn't have company. Shards, he didn't want to bother her ...

}:The Wingthird made you promise you would talk to someone,:{ Menanth reminded him.

His bronze was right. And maybe it would be nice to talk to someone outside his shrinking circle of friends. Maybe she would understand in a way they didn't. D'ren knocked on the door.

Arieoss was squirming in Eleada's lap, trying to escape the wingthird's determined stroking as she tried to relax enough to go to sleep. It wasn't working very well, between her own stray thoughts and the feline's attempts to flee, so when the knock resounded through her quarters both were secretly relieved. Eleada jerked in surprise, and yelped a little when Arieoss took advantage of her distraction and clawed her during her escape.

"Uh, one moment please?" She called, scrambling off her bed with even less grace than Arieoss had. She snatched up her dressing gown from the chair, and stumbled to the door, hoping that it was just a friend or her mother dropping by and not something more disastrous like news of a death or an old lover... She hastily tied the robe closed over her far-too-revealing nightgown, raked her fingers through her curls, and pulled open the door.

"D'ren?"

He blushed a little. "Hello, Wingthird. I ... hope I'm not bothering you."

Eleada blinked, but she was already shaking her head. Thankfully, she'd always been quick to get her wits together when faced with unexpected people on her doorstep.

"You're not bothering me." She reassured him quickly, trying to hide her relief at the idea of having another person nearby while Gliorith was sleeping. She moved out of the doorway, ushering the young bronzerider into her sitting area before closing the door. "Have a seat."

"Thank you." He settled into a chair. "You said I could come to you if I had trouble sleeping." It was strange, sitting in his Wingthird's weyr in the middle of the night.

"Yes, I did." She agreed with a smile as she remembered. Faranth, wasn't this an interesting coincidence...? Then again, she always had problems sleeping alone unless she was exhausted, so maybe not. "Would you like something to drink?" She asked, hoping to relax him a little more. It had to have taken a lot of courage for D'ren to come to her even after she'd extended the invitation. Although it had been more of an order...

"No." He swallowed. "Well, maybe some water."

"Of course." She went over to the cabinet to pull out two cups, and then filled them from the pitcher she always kept full for restless nights before handing him one and settling into a chair across from D'ren. "So," she said gently. "Nightmares again? Or just can't sleep?"

"Nightmares," he answered with a sigh.

"Mmm." Eleada nodded sympathetically. "What kind of nightmares?"

"Sometimes they don't make a lot of sense. Threadfall and stuff, you know?" He shrugged. "But I dream about I'ster a lot. Do you remember him?"

"I remember." Eleada said softly. It was hard not to, and she could see how I'ster's death could be preying on D'ren's mind, especially as he was still young himself. "Were you two close?"

"I looked out for him since we were weyrlings. I was supposed to be looking out for him in Fall, too." The guilt had eased a little, but he hadn't been able to get rid of it.

"Ouch." Eleada bit her lip, cradling her cup in her hands, then sighed. "I suppose you already know that it wasn't your fault." She stated. "But you just can't shake the feeling you should have been able to do something, even though there was nothing you could do."

D'ren nodded. His mind flashed on the younger rider and dragon, both covered in Thread in the moment before they went /between/ forever.

"Is he the only one you dream about?" She asked gently. "Or are there other dreams too?"

"I dream about other people sometimes, but it's not the same. I dream about I'ster all the time." He took a drink.

"Are the dreams always about what happened to I'ster? Or does it change?" Eleada sat her cup on the small end table by the glowbasket, hoping her prying wasn't going to send D'ren running. He had been the one to come to her -but only after she'd called him out on some problems in drills.

"It changes." D'ren traced a finger through the condensation on his cup.

"Can you describe one?"

"Well ... once I dreamt we were talking, and he disappeared. I ran through the Weyr looking for him, but," D'ren shrugged.

"So the nightmares have to do with I'ster more than what happened to him?"

"I was supposed to look out for him."

"D'ren, I'ster was a dragonrider. Whether or not you were supposed to be looking out for him, he still had to look out for himself in Threadfall. And sometimes, things happen, no matter what anyone does or doesn't do." She sighed, her eyes distant. "Unfortunately, since Thread started they happen a lot. It's part of being a dragonrider, as trite as that sounds." She grimaced.

He looked down at the glass in his hands. "I know. That's what everybody says."

"It doesn't make it any easier though, does it?" She asked rhetorically, reaching for the cup on the endtable again as she gingerly prodded the painful memories that rose to the surface whenever this topic came up.

"I suppose you have a lot more experience with this and I just sound whiny." Older riders had lost close friends, weyrmates, parents, children, and yet he couldn't get past one friend's death.

Eleada shook her head. "No, you don't sound whiny, D'ren. And I'm not begrudging you your grief over I'ster either." She was silent for a moment, swirling the water in her cup as she tried to figure out how to phrase what she was thinking.

"You sound lost, more than anything, and I don't blame you. It's not easy, what we do. Most people don't have to face death, or the threat of it more than once every few turns or even decades. We have to do it almost every sevenday, sometimes more. And no matter what you may think now, it doesn't get easier. The only real difference between you and most of the other riders who've lost people is that you haven't found your coping mechanism yet."

"What's yours?" he asked.

"People." She said simply. "I try to spend time with people. In the wing, my sons, my family, it doesn't really matter as long as I'm working through the _now_ instead of _then_. It doesn't always work," she admitted with a sigh, thinking of her too frequent nightmares. "...but it lets me function while I work through it. Most riders have some sort of coping strategy, like a craft or a weyrmate. It doesn't really matter what it is, as long as it works for you and doesn't hurt anyone else."

"I sort of ... shut out most of my friends," D'ren admitted.

"Why?" It wasn't that uncommon a reaction -shards, she'd seen it happen a lot. But it was a question that needed answered before D'ren could figure out how to deal with his loss. If it was because he needed privacy to heal and comes to terms with it, fine. But if it was because he was somehow trying to save himself or someone else by cutting off a potential lifeline...

"I didn't feel like forcing a smile around them, or listening to them tell me that I should move on. It was easier to just ... be alone." His more casual friends he had just stopped talking to. With his closer friends, he made a token effort to keep the friendship going. Except for Dysali. That had hurt, but he still believed it had been necessary.

"Has it helped?" From what she had seen, Eleada didn't think so, but perhaps she had only noticed the effects on D'ren a little late.

"It makes things easier, but ... " He searched for the right words. "But it doesn't make it better."

"Then that probably isn't the right thing for you." She said simply, taking another sip of water. "Don't get me wrong, everyone needs some time to themselves, but for all our faults people are just as social as dragons. Don't push people away just because it's easier, or safer, or better, D'ren. You'll just make it worse. If solitude isn't helping, then you need to try something else."

"Okay." He wondered what he could do. Patch up the old friendships, and hope they wouldn't resent him for shutting them out?

"Do you have a hobby, or craft, or just something you like to do or someone you like to be with?" She asked.

"I was a harper, before I Impressed. I still write music sometimes." D'ren had considered writing something for I'ster, or about the sadness of losing him, but it had seemed too painful to focus those feelings.

Eleada nodded, a smile creeping across her face. "That's good. I would start there then. Pick it back up, and see if it helps. Maybe write something new, or you could try a different area you haven't thought of trying before. See if you can remember what you liked about harpering in the first place. And maybe it will help you concentrate a little more on working through it in the _now_ instead of getting stuck in the _then_."

"I'll give it a try," he said. "I don't know if it'll work, but talking to you ... I feel a little better, at least."

"If talking helps, feel free to come talk to me again, anytime. I don't mind. After all," The wingthird's smile was a little bitter, but still warm. "Talking to people helps me too."

He nodded and smiled a little, "Okay."

Last updated on the September 23rd 2009

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Coping Measures