With or Without Regrets

Writers: Devin, AL
Date Posted: 25th November 2008

Characters: Jerroll, Edele
Description: Jerroll and Alita (Edele) talk about taking chances.
Location: Elsewhere on Pern
Date: month 12, day 11 of Turn 4

The sun released its paints across the sky, deep oranges and purples accentuated with lighter hues that made the water glitter and dance. Edele made her way to the docks thinking how ironic it was to have such a lovely evening. Her heart felt too heavy for its beauty. It was their last night. They would sail early in the morning and Edele wasn't sure if she had the strength to watch them go.

Alita. She was Alita. She had to remember that. The name was familiar yet so strange to her. She felt like it didn't suit her at all. Alita came to a stop as she reached the docks, hands clasped before her. Her clothing was not so fine as it had been the first night when her husband had insisted she dress for a celebration. Still, they were made of finer things than that which would be worn by drudges and help in the hold. She felt so out of place it in it.

The ship was almost ready. Very few people ran around on its deck. Edele didn't go aboard but stood there and watched. It would be the last time she saw the Silver Sails.

"She looks so lovely against the sunset."

Edele almost jumped at the voice and she turned to see Jerroll standing behind her. She offered a tentative smile and nodded. "That she does. I'll miss her." **I'll miss you.** Those were words she did not utter, however.

"It's good to know that you will. The crew will certainly miss you," he said. He glanced down at Edele and then looked back at the ship.

"I'm sure the crew will forget all about me within a sevenday." Edele didn't look back at the ship - she only had eyes for the man standing before her. "I will miss all of you though."

He looked at her again. "And we'll all miss you. You'll be there tomorrow, when we leave?"

Edele looked away, staring back at the ship. "I don't know." Could she handle watching the only life she _truly_ knew sail away, leaving her behind in a place that felt like it should be familiar yet eluded her?

"So this ... might be it?" Jerroll asked.

Edele nodded. "We should say our goodbyes now." While she still had the presence of mind not to break down and cry.

"Alright." In one smooth motion, Jerroll took her arm, pulled her close, and kissed her.

The woman shuddered in his embrace. Once the surprise wore off, she returned the kiss eagerly and fervently. When it was finally broken, her face pinched as if she were desperately trying not to cry. "Why did you do that?"

"I try to live without regrets," he said softly. "I had to kiss you, at least once."

"Why kiss me at all?" Edele breathed, wishing she could read the man, wishing she knew what sort of thoughts were rushing through his mind as he held her.

"Because I wanted to. Because I've wanted to for a while." This would be so much easier if she were the kind of woman he usually spent his time with, but then she wouldn't be Edele.

"Why are you doing this now?" She couldn't cry. Edele shook her head. No. It would never work. Shards, she wanted to stay, wanted to go with him, be with him. But it wouldn't work. Jerroll had made his ways quite clear with her. "I...I should go."

"If that's what you want." He'd hoped for something more, but if she wanted to stay here, to reclaim her life as a holder's wife, then that was her choice.

"I can't have what I want." Edele stepped back as he let her go, hands clutching at her breast, as if trying to shield her heart. "You could never give me what I want. You said as much and I...I wouldn't want to tie you down. Eventually you would come to hate me for it."

"What do you want, Edele?"

"I can't share." She said softly, shaking her head and taking a step back. "Doing so would tear my heart every time another woman had you. I couldn't bear it."

"You'd walk away from the ship, from me, because of that?" he said. "Why not take a risk, see what happens? I can't make promises, Edele, but I can try. I'll take the chance if you will."

"Because I'm afraid." Edele's eyes fluttered shut, as if being unable to see him would make things easier. "I'm afraid that you'll turn to other women, that I won't be enough for you."

He laid a hand on his arm. "Don't let fear control your life. I was afraid you'd find a life you wanted more than the Silver Sails in Esper Bay, but I took you anyway."

"And what am I to do if you can't? I'll have nowhere to go, Jerroll." That scared her too. If she were to cut ties with her husband and follow him, only to find herself cast aside for another. What then?

Did she have to keep coming up with reasons to hold back? "You can stay on the ship. You'll always have a place there."

"Would you really want me around?"

"Shards, yes!"

"Even after you've moved on to someone else?" She asked quietly. Did he truly think he'd want her around? Or that she'd want to be around to watch him fawn on another woman?

"Yes. At the very least, I'd want you as a friend." He thought it wise not to mention that one of his ex-lovers was part of the crew.

"I don't know, Jerroll." Edele reached up to rub her eyes, weariness settling in. "I don't know if _I_ could handle that. To love you only to watch you with someone else."

"You don't think I'm worth taking a chance on?"

"It's not that, Jerroll." She had a headache and the conversation was making it worse. Edele continued to rub at her eyes, the pounding thrum behind them growing more insistent. "I'll...I'll think about it. If I'm here in the morning, then you will know my answer. If I'm not..."

"Then I wish you well." **With your boring little life,** he thought bitterly.

Edele responded with a nod, then turned and fairly fled, skirts whispering after her. Could she stand to take that chance? Could she? How much was she willing to give up, to risk for him? It was a question she would have to think long and hard over.

Last updated on the November 26th 2008

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With or Without Regrets