Without Her

Writers: Eimi, Dana
Date Posted: 22nd October 2005

Characters: B'ram, Atreyn (ONPC)
Description: B'ram relives a moment from his past
Location: Elsewhere on Pern, Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 8, day 13 of Turn 3

B'ram

"Ah, Atreyn, I was beginning to worry!" The brownrider wrapped his arms
around the greenrider's waist and kissed her in greeting when she came in
from off the ledge. "Come on, sweetie. Dinner is getting cold."

The slender young woman allowed herself to be lead in, but she stopped
short right before they reached the table. She couldn't do it to him.
She couldn't put it off any longer. It wasn't fair to him...and it wasn't fair to her. Or to U'falo.

Shards and shells...this wasn't going to be easy.

}:Just do what you went there to do,:{ Onesanth crooned softly in her mind.

Yes...yes. She had to.

B'ram noticed her hesitation. He reached up a hand to caress her cheek,
concern etched into his face. "What's wrong, sweetheart? Did you have a
bad day?"

She bit her lower lip lightly. There wasn't going to be any way to ease
this for either of them. Atreyn took hold of both his hands in hers;
hands that had soothed her, teased her, caressed her... "I... B'ram, I
can't do this anymore."

"What? What is it?" B'ram asked, squeezing her hands gently and smiling
down at her encouragingly. Looking into her face he could see pain,
doubt... and something foreign in her eyes - secrecy. He had looked into
those dark grey eyes so many times over the past two and a half turns and
he had always felt drawn in, pulled in, welcomed in. But now, they were
hurting... and closed. Something clenched at his heart and his throat
tightened. "What is it, Atreyn? Come on... you're scaring me."

Her hands tightened on his, slowly, her thumbs sliding down his palms.
Shards and shells... "We...we can't anymore, B'ram. It's...it's not
fair. To you."

"What can't we do?" His voice was pleading and fearful as he searched her
eyes for any hint of the light that had always been shining in them before when she looked at him. Any moment it would come. It always would. It was the light that made him happy whenever he was around her. It was the light that calmed him when he was angry and consoled him when he was sad, and guided him home when he felt lost. "Atreyn?"

She gazed at him, and the guilt she felt was nearly overwhelming, eating
at her heart. For _two_ and a half Turns... No. She couldn't think of
that now. The lump rose in her throat as she told him quietly, "We
can't...stay together." She could hardly bear his expression. "It
wouldn't be fair to you."

"Fair?" He whispered. "Is _this_ fair? If this is fair I don't want it." Fear took his heart in its grip like a vice. Her voice, her eyes... There was something _final_ about this.

"Please, B'ram," she whispered, looking away.

"What is it, Atreyn? What did I do? Tell me and I'll stop. Or what
didn't I do? I'll do it, I swear. Just talk to me, Atreyn. Why won't
you _talk_ to me?" He pulled her back to look at him. No, there had to
be a way. There had to be a misunderstanding! She didn't mean it! She
_couldn't_ mean it. This was all just a mistake...

"I've been seeing U'falo," she said quickly, quietly, cutting into his
last sentence. It was hard for her to raise her voice above a murmur.
She knew that if she did, she'd cry. It _hurt_ her to see B'ram like
this... Shells, it hurt. "I have been for a long time, and..."

"_U'falo_? The bronzerider?" The one whose dragon caught Onesanth her
last two flights? His Girifith had caught her green for turns and then
the last two flights the bronze had won. Those things happened sometimes.
Somtimes a green chose different. Sometimes a bronze just outflew a
brown. And sometimes, the dragon followed the heart of their lifemate.
Had her green been following _her_ choice the whole time? But he had
asked her... He had asked if something had happened and she said, very
forcefully... _too_ forcefully... His voice became a betrayed whisper.
"You _lied_ to me?"

"I didn't know _how_ to tell you!" Her voice had risen, and she took a
step back from him.

The fear was now knawing away at ever part of him - his heart, the lungs
that fought for air, his stomach that felt like it was being turned inside out, and his mind that was flashing picture of the woman he loved in another man's arms. He was afraid - he was afraid that he had lost her. He was afraid she had come to moment of choice, and she had not chosen him. He was afraid that this was final and that the whole foundation he had been building for his life was crumbling beneath him. When a person is faced with a thing they are most afraid of, there are two opposite, but natural defense mechanisms - fight the thing you are afraid of, or run away from it. B'ram had never run in his life.

His eyes grew hard as he watched her step away from him. "You looked me
in the _eye_ Atreyn and you _lied_ to me! I trusted you. I trusted you
and you _lied to me_!!!"

"I didn't know _how_ to say it, B'ram! And looking into your eyes then, I _couldn't_."

"You didn't just lie to me with your words, Atreyn! You lied every time
you kissed me, every time you looked at me, every time you caressed me and let me caress you!" His voice grew strained, choked almost as he hissed, "How could you screw him and then come home and make love to me?"

Tears filled her eyes. And she knew she couldn't deny what he was telling her. She knew she couldn't.

Because it was true.

His heart ached for her pain. It was a conditioned response. But now he
fought that too. B'ram had to fight the love he felt for her, and so he
had to force it to cross the twisted line that seperated it from hate.
Hate is not always found in the hearts of evil men. Sometimes it is found in the hearts of ones who have fallen too hard in love and must find a way to stay whole when their hearts break with an almost audible force. Her tears only served to anger him more and his face started mirroring the black cloud in his soul. His eyes hardened and his lips curled into a sneer of contempt. "Have you _nothing_ to say to me?"

Atreyn blinked, and the tears rolled unchecked down her cheeks. Despite
everything that had been passing between them for some time now, and
despite the fierce anger that burned in his eyes and his words as he
sneered at her, she knew she would still care for him.

And she would.

"Goodbye, B'ram." It was the hardest thing she had ever had to say.

For a brief moment his eyes softened, pleading with her to take it back,
to tell him she was sorry and that they could work things out. He was
ready to beg in that brief moment, to beg him to share her just so he
could be near her _sometimes_. His eyes pleaded with her to love him
again, and to take away the ache in his heart like she used to do. But
there was no hint of hope in her eyes, and his green eyes turned to stone. "Get out of my weyr."

Atreyn didn't need to be told twice, and by the time she was in the safe
embrace of U'falo's arms, she was quietly sobbing. And she realized, as
he stroked her hair, that she hadn't even looked back.

B'ram had watched her go. He could hear soothing whispers from the ledge. _U'falo_'s consoling whispers. He stood rooted to the spot, seething in his hatred, his rage, and his bitter jealousy until finally a scream began to form that echoed in the mind and angry bugle of his dragon. "_Get.Out.Of.My.Weyr_!!!"

The brownrider was gratified to hear that when the echo of his scream had
died from the stone walls of his room the whispers where gone. _She_ was
gone. Atreyn was gone with _him_. And he was left in the room alone.
Another scream began to build in his gut, passed his lungs and through his heart, but somehow was caught in his throat, for instead of a scream, out came a long, pained whimper. B'ram crumpled in on himself until his knees and forearms reached the floor, and if he could have sunken into it he would have gladly. For the first time in two and a half turns, he was left completely alone in that large, hallow room. And though all that empty space was filled with oxygen, B'ram could find no air to fill his lungs as they felt as deflated as his spirit.

}: I'm still here, B'ram, :{ came a soft and caressing whisper in his mind.

**Girifith, I cannot breathe!**

}: It's alright, I'm still here, :{ the voice called louder.

**Girifith, help me. I'm alone and I can't breathe!**

}: But I'm here, it's all going to be all right. It's all right, B'ram,
it's all right.:{

**But I cannot breathe. Help me, I can't breathe. I can't
_breathe_!**

~~~~~*~~~~~

**I can't breathe!**

}:It's all right, B'ram, I'm with you. I'm here.:{ Girifith's voice
called to him through the fog.

His eyes opened to a grey light. The air around him tasted stale in his
nostrils as he tried to figure out where he was. He was wrapped up in
something. His arms and legs were tangled in cloth and at first he
couldn't find a way out. Just as panic was starting to set in his toe
found a corner that opened, letting in the first rush of fresh air. B'ram was able to work himself out of his prision as he heard the distinctive sound of bottles rolling across the floor. Emerging from his caccoon, the morning light from the ledge hit his eyes as the rush of freshly oxygenated blood hit his brain with a painful force, and his head throbbed so that he felt his body almost hurl and wretch.

He swallowed hard and closed his eyes against the painful sunshine and
processed what had happened. B'ram knew he was on his floor, that he had
slept wrapped up in a sheet, and that he had a terrible amount to drink
the night before. As far as his aching brain would allow, he tried to
reach back. He had been drinking with a beautiful woman in the dining
hall. She had come up to his weyr where they had a few more and then
ended up on his bed. There was a knock on the door... and who was it?
Who was at his door?

The brownrider groaned as he remembered. It was the Weyrwoman, demanding
to see him and making nasty accusations. Traelyn had come, asking him why he hadn't told her of Atreyn's scoreing. More drinking. And the last thing he could remember was that woman... that _sharding_ woman with her sister's eyes and her sisters lips had made the most vile accusation of all - "You left her alone!"

"Sharding Traelyn," B'ram growled as his eyes squeezed tighter, trying to
forget the nightmares that followed. "Sharding... _sharding_ woman! What does she know of it?!?" Flashes of dream, flashes of memory, flashes of feeling came rushing back as he craddled his throbbing head in one hand, and clutched as his aching heart with the other. He had come to Dolphin Cove forget her. He had to forget the pity in Atreyn's eyes everytime they saw each other that he could meet only with heart poisoning contempt in his own. He had come to forget his loneliness. And he had escaped, only to find Traelyn here, with Atreyn's same deep grey eyes and beautiful smile, ready to remind him of all he'd lost.

"What does she know," he whispered as his body slumped back down to the
floor, pillowing his head on the sheet, afraid to sleep in case Atreyn
would be in his dreams, and yet not quite ready to open his eyes to
another day... another day without her.

Last updated on the September 26th 2006

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Without Her