Never Enough

Writers: Eimi, Dana
Date Posted: 4th August 2007

Characters: Birigundi, Nialyn
Description: Nialyn confronts Birigundi about what he did, and they both lose their tempers.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 4, day 28 of Turn 4
Notes: This follows a day after "Something to Prove"

Birigundi

Nialyn envied her daughter. Shards, what she would give to be able to curl up in a blanket and drift off to sleep so swiftly and deeply and peacefully like that. To not be hampered by thoughts circling one another like rabid canines, each vying for dominance... **Must be nice.** Gently she trailed a finger over Lyndi's soft arm before covering it with the fur. A small smile touched her lips as the baby made a sleepy sound before nestling back down into her blankets, but it soon faded when Lyndi fell back into slumber.

Slowly she came out from her sleeping room, grabbed her favorite throw off the back of the sofa and settled back into the worn cushions. Looking down, her eyes found of the small stain of ale that Biri had accidentally spilled one night when he was over, and her fingers traced it, the touch almost hesitant. She could remember him sitting beside her, laughing at something she'd said, had leaned over to kiss her and then....

He hadn't come to her last night.

Her fist slammed into the stain as her frustration and hurt once again tried to find an outlet. He hadn't come. And she'd wanted him to, just so she could have the satisfaction of venting her anger and pain--and _try_ to make him sharding understand her. But he hadn't, so she didn't have the release she'd needed. She hadn't even cried.

The emotions churning inside of her...shards, they were awful. She hated feeling like this. And she hated being alone last night, knowing that he'd been making love to another woman in his bed. Nialyn clenched her jaw. She'd never slept in his bed before. Ever. She supposed he only saved it for women like that greenrider. Shards, she'd been everything Nialyn wasn't: confident, sexy, beautiful, a dragonrider. Her nails dug into the fibers of the sofa. How could he have done that to her? After everything they'd said to each other, _how_?

Birigundi hadn't slept much better. He hadn't taken the greenrider to his bed. She had dragged him off to hers. A big, comfortable, soft bed that was completely unfamiliar. As soon as she drifted off, Birigundi had done something he had never done to a woman before - he slipped away into the darkness covered in shame. It wasn't that he thought he was wrong to sleep with a greenrider he didn't know. Shards, he'd done it enough -
greenriders, crafters, candidates, even a goldrider once. It wasn't the fact that he had bedded a stranger that made him feel like a wherry's ass, it was the fact that he had hurt Nia. He hadn't just hurt her, he had _knowingly_ hurt her, even purposefully hurt her, and for that he was deeply ashamed.

Even now as he walked towards her weyr, he felt the weight of it threatening to pull him down into the cold stone floor. He had a good excuse to go, he was going to spend time with his daughter. The fact was he was going to face Nia, and that was not going to be easy. **Better to get it over with.** What should he say to her? What could he say to her?
Really, she had no right to be angry or hurt. What he did with that greenrider had absolutely no barring on how he felt about her. It wasn't fair that she kept taking it all so personal, especially when he told her, he _told_ her from the beginning that she could not expect him to be faithful to only her. She _knew_ he had other women! He had refrained from public displays for her sake, but he was in no way obligated to do so. He did it out of respect for her. Well, shards, when was she going to give a little something back? Really, what right did she have to be angry? What reason did he have for feeling guilty? None! None whatsoever. And by Faranth, he was going to tell her so!

Squaring his shoulders he strode into her weyr like he always had, trying to act nonchalant and unconcerned as he looked at her sitting on the sofa.

He tried to make his voice sound as even and unconcerned as possible. "Hi, Nia. Lyndia awake?"

His tone hit her all wrong, and she stiffened. Not even a smidgen of regret! Her eyes flashed with temper as she drew herself up straighter. Last night, she'd wanted nothing more than for him to come to her weyr.
Now she didn't even want to see his face--especially with an expression like that! "No." She tried to make her voice as even as his. "And I think you should leave."

Birigundi stood looking at her in shock for a long moment. He had seen her hurt before, but she had never kicked him out of her weyr! Just what did she think gave her the right! "Why, because I screwed a greenrider last night instead of you? I'm sorry, are we weyrmated now and I just didn't know?"

His words cut her deep--real deep. And she knew her eyes showed it. But she felt anger too, whirling inside of her with the hurt, and she decided to feed that emotion. Give it everything she had. It was better than crying, or letting him dominate her with his sharding cruelty. Her hands fisted at her sides, and she was vaguely surprised to find she had risen to her feet. "You insensitive ass," she snarled. "You know how I feel! And for _you_ to come here and act like it didn't hurt me--"

Birigundi planted his fists on his hips and stood his ground. "Ok, so I knew it hurt you, but what do you want me to do about it? I had a chance to get with Seshoa last night and I sharding took it! I'm sorry it hurt you, but that's not my fault! You know very well I sleep with other girls! Why should I have to hide it when I'm not doing anything wrong?!"

"Obviously I don't mean much to you if you throw away how I feel for sex."

"Oh, like it really matters to you how I feel? I can tell you a thousand times that those women mean nothing to me but you're so hide-bound you can't see that it has had absolutely no effect on how I feel about you! You're so sharding selfish sometimes! Why does it always have to be about you and your sharding needs and feelings? What about _mine_?"

"_I'm_ selfish?! Shards, Biri, it's always you! What _you're_ doing during the day. When _you're_ free to see me and Lyndi. I'm always following _you're_ schedule--sometimes left wondering in the evenings if you're even going to deign to see me, what with your busy _social_
schedule and all." Her expression was bitter. "And you're not sorry for what you did. You're not. And if that's not being selfish, then I don't know what is!"

"Oh, so now you're accusing me of being a bad father?!" Now that was way too low and he sure as Thread fell was not going to feel in the least bit sorry or hold back in the slightest. "If Lyndi is such a terrible burden to you, perhaps you should give her to a fostermother to raise!"

"I'm not talking about you and Lyndi! I'm talking about you and me!"

"Shardit, Nia, what more do you _want_ from me? My entire life?! I always come back to you. I _always_ come back to you! So I sleep with Seshoa one night, so what? I might sleep with her again, I might not, I don't care. But I have always come back to you, and that means nothing to you."

"But I'm not enough for you. Never enough!" She was mortified to hear her voice crack, and she closed her eyes against the tears that had suddenly filled her vision. **Never enough.** She was nineteen Turns old, and wanted a husband. In the Weyr, that alone made her different from the rest of the young people of her generation. Her reserve, shyness, and morals made her an outcast. Her so-called friends looked on her with amused fondness. They never took her seriously. And Birigundi didn't either. He probably would never understand what she offered him. It wasn't enough for him.

He could see the tears, and he felt as low as a tunnel snake for hurting her like this. But it had to be said. "And just who are you to judge me?
It wasn't like you intended for this to be a relationship when you invited be back into your weyr after knowing me for candlemarks. It wasn't like you talked to me after that night until you realized you were pregnant. It's not like you've never had a one-night stand. Who are you to dictate how I'm supposed to behave? Who are you to tell me what 'enough' should be?"

Shards, she hardly remembered the girl she had been--the girl he spoke of.
That girl had done her very best to fit in, to be like the rest, to find a comfortable niche in this strange place so different from everything she'd known and loved in her childhood. She'd tried, and failed. She just didn't believe deep down in the same things the rest did. To this day she regretted losing her virginity to a man she didn't know, and never saw again. But being pregnant with Lyndi had helped her realize what she really wanted. Being a mother to Lyndi just reinforced that dream. "You were my second." Nialyn looked up at him then, ignoring the tears that trickled down her cheeks.

Her second what? One night stand? Or lover? He wasn't sure which, but that was something he'd certainly think on later. His voice had lost some of its edge as he watched the tears sliding down her face, "And would having a third change how you feel about me?"

She couldn't say no, but then, she couldn't say yes either. "I don't know."

"Well, it would never change how I feel about you." He had enough of this fighting. It made him feel like the biggest wherry's ass on Pern to just stand there and watch her cry, and he didn't even do anything wrong! "I'll come by tomorrow when she's awake." He didn't even look up at her before turning to cross the weyr towards the door. It hurt too much to see her like that. He had wanted to prove to his friends that he was no prude. Now, after seeing the hurt he had caused, he was starting to wish he was.

Last updated on the August 5th 2007

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Never Enough