Not At My Best

Writers: Bree, Eimi
Date Posted: 29th March 2007

Characters: Y'sani, Karaleigh
Description: Y'sani apologizes to Karaleigh after the fight and tells her why he was so on edge.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 2, day 27 of Turn 4

Y'sani turned over on his side and stared at Karaleigh in the dark. He hadn't been able to get back to sleep after they'd returned from the infirmary, even knowing how miserable his day would be without enough sleep. "Karaleigh?" he whispered finally. "Are you awake?"

She lay with her back turned towards him, mired deeply in her own thoughts of what had happened that night. Though she hated to admit it, she was angry. At at O'dan, angry at Y'sani, angry at J'darin. It was tempting to just feign sleep. Tempting, but not wise. If they didn't talk about it... Well, these past few sevendays with Y'sani had been wonderful. She certainly didn't want to lose what they had. "Yes," she finally sighed. "I'm awake."

He lifted a hand to brush lightly along her arm. "I think I owe you an apology. And maybe an explanation, if you want it." Part of him hoped she didn't. He didn't much enjoy discussing his weaknesses with anyone, no matter how charming they were.

"I think one might be called for," she muttered, at once ashamed of how bitter it sounded. Really, he had been trying to help her. So what if he went a little overboard, and then treated her like a child? He hadn't meant it that way. She was pretty sure he hadn't... "I would like to know what you were thinking," she amended gently.

His fingers traced mindless patterns up and down her arm as he tried to find the right words. "I have a temper, Karaleigh. I learned how to control it most of the time, because I have to. But the weyrlings were Blooded a few days ago..." His voice trailed off and he sighed. "It doesn't make me a very pleasant man."

"Does it make you violent man?" she asked quietly. He had explained it as being necessary in the moment, but now she was wondering if it that was really true.

"Sometimes," he said after a brief pause. There was no use lying about it, after all. He'd punched a man out in front of her. "But I didn't punch O'dan because I couldn't help myself. I punched him because he was hurting you, and I wanted to make sure he never did it again."

"And if you had been angry at me, would you have hurt me?" It wasn't a fair question. She was sure that he wouldn't. At least he had never scared her before. But she certainly wanted him to think on that.

"Would you be trying to force a young man into your bed against his will?" Y'sani replied in a quiet voice. "I hope you're not going to pretend that wasn't what was going on, Karaleigh. He was drunk and twice your size, and say what you want, he deserved worse for what he was trying to do."

"He would have stopped." She believed he would. Even drunk, O'dan was not an evil man, or a violent man. He could never be _that_ drunk, she was sure! "I'm not saying he was right, or that I didn't need your help. I'm just saying... maybe there was another way." One which wouldn't have landed O'dan in the infirmary and Y'sani in trouble.

"Maybe," he agreed quietly. His hand stilled on her arm. "And the answer is no, Karaleigh. I wouldn't have hurt you. Not physically. But I can't promise I won't ever say or do things that hurt you in other ways. I'm far from perfect, and watching the children I train fly against Thread the first time..." He cleared his throat, unwilling to finish the sentence. She turned around in his arms to face him. "I can understand that, Y'sani. In another turn or two I'll be watching the children I've know for turns go through the same thing. But you can't turn violent ever time they are Blooded."

"I don't, Karaleigh. I'm always on edge. I'm always exhausted." He shrugged his shoulder and let his hand rest on her waist. "I've never had someone do something to make me this angry while I was still trying to recover, though. And it didn't bring out the best in me."

"No," she agreed softly, "it certainly didn't. But I'd like to be sure I won't have to expect that every time Blooding comes around."

"I usually lock myself in my weyr until I feel better. It takes a few evenings, but it's better for everyone else." He smiled wistfully and leaned down to kiss her forehead. "Maybe that's what I should have done this time, too. But I like being with you."

"Well, perhaps you need to find a better way to relieve your stress." She snuggled closer into him. "I certainly don't want to have to worry about locking you away for a few days whenever Blooding comes around."

"I'll work on it," he promised quietly, settling her more comfortably against his chest. "After all, I'll have plenty of time to think about it while I'm scrubbing pots for the next sevenday."

Last updated on the March 31st 2007

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Not At My Best