I'll remember

Writers: Paula, Eimi
Date Posted: 28th May 2013

Characters: Benaroy, Zelanka, Lanalya
Description: Zelanka remembers the past with Turn over getting closer.
Location: Amber Hills Hold
Date: month 13, day 29 of Turn 6
Notes: Mentioned: Benani, Yanley

The thirteenth month was always the busiest one in a Headwoman's life. All
the accountes need to be closed for the past Turn and then there was the
Turn Over celebration to be planned and arranged. This Turn it wasn't so
bad, for she had both Benani and Yanley to share the load. To even her,
came the time when the work was finally done, preparations were over and it
was time enjoy the celebration. She was going to spend the Turn over with
her children and grand children.

The sharpeyed Headwoman had not missed Yanley growing more curvy, but kept
her mouth closed. She had too much to do to get involved it that! It was a
family matter and no matter what, she was _not_ family.

~*~ Flashback begins ~*~

Recovering from birth had taken Zelanka a long time. But finally she was
able to walk around normally, without being bend over by the pain. The baby
was growing fast and resembled his paternal siblings more and more every
day. Petriv had spent a great deal of time with the older children, giving
her the time to heal and tend the baby. So when Turn Over Gather started,
for first time in months, she was actually enjoying the day. Spending it
with her family, as the family. Of course Lantriv got hungry middle of
everything. She left Petriv with the two older ones and found a quiet spot
to nurse him.

"Zela?" a voice called softly from outside the cloth tent that had been
erected to shade the guests from the heat of the sun. "May I see you?"

"Of course," Zelanka replied and pulled her shawl to cover her bit better.
What she really wanted to reply was, no, I don't want to see you, you tore
my heart apart.

The Lord Holder ducked his head to come inside. His eyes were inevitably
drawn to the baby covered by the cloth. "I saw you out with our family. I
can't tell you how good it is to see you're ok. You _are_ ok, aren't you?
And... the baby?"

"I'm fine, finally," Zelanka replied, her eyes on the baby. "He's doing
wonderfully, growing fast and he knows how to stick up for himself, by
getting very loud." She smiled tenderly.

"He takes after you, then." Oh, how beautiful she looked holding a child
in her arms. He ached so much to tell her just how much he missed her
every single day.

"I'm not loud...am I ?" Zelanka protested but a hesitation crept to her
voice.

"No," Benaroy assured her, though he couldn't help but think of one
instance when he liked to hear her raised voiced. "I mean that you have
always been strong in who you are. You certainly have never left anyone
wondering where they stand with you. I'd be proud if... if our son," he
said in softer voice in case anyone might be walking by, "took after you in
that way."

"That reminds to be seen," Zelanka said with neutral voice. Her heart had
been broken when he married Nimile. It was hard to talk with him and stay
civil. Lantriv had done eating and she lifted him to a burping position
against her shoulder, covering her breasts. Not that he had seen them
before, many times.

Benaroy looked away, giving her the privacy that was only decent. He know
they could not longer take such familiar liberties, though that had been
his decision. It would have been easy to carry on his affair with Zelanka
in secret, but he could not convince himself it was right. He expected
loyalty from his wife, and his sharding code of honor screamed that he
should do the same. But there were times, so many times, when he wondered
how he could throw away one of the best things that had ever happened to
him.

**Zela, I miss you!** his mind screamed, but the words that came out were
much more... appropriate. "Is there anything you need?"

"No, nothing. I have my family, that's all I need," she said and Lantriv
seem to agree with loud burp.

"Of course." Benaroy could feel the sting of her words, like he knew she
had intended. He deserved it, he knew. They should never have allowed
themselves to begin something that they knew they could not finish. It
just was never supposed to have gone so far. "I would have married _you_
if I could have," he whispered quietly. It was a lame excuse, and one she
had heard before. But he had to remind her that it was not his choice. He
didn't marry Nimile because he wanted to. Amber Hills needed that
alliance. Who would have carried about his aching heart if there was no
food to fill their bellies?

"Too late for that now," Zelanka whispered.

He knew that all too well. Still, hoped she would not punish him forever.
"I would like us to be friends, Zela. It hurts to pretend that we are
strangers."

Her heart still belonged to him and would always do. "Perhaps one day, but
not yet, it's still too soon."

Benaroy would honor that. At least there was hope that someday they could
sit close to one another without hurt and anger between them. He would
give her time, but he would always be nearby. "May I see him?"

"Certainly, you have that right," Zelanka said and offered him the baby to
be held.

With Turns of experience holding babies, he easily, and eagerly, took his
son from her arms. He looked down into the face that stared curiously back
at him. Benaroy couldn't help the soft look, the gentle smile. "What a
beautiful little boy he is."

"Yes, he is. Quite a little charmer." Zelanka smiled at the thought of her
son.

"If he ever needs anything, you know you have only to ask, Zela." Benaroy
might not ever be a father to their child, but he swore to himself he would
be a provider.

"Thank you, I'll remember that," Zelanka said softy, her heart was on those
words.

"Or you," he reminded her. "There is very little I wouldn't do for you."

"I know," Zelanka looked the hands she had crossed in her lap. Did he had
to remind her what a wonderful man he was? This was hard enough for her
without it.

Voices could be heard from outside the tent. A performance must have
ended, and now the spectators would be looking for a place outside the sun.
It was with reluctance that the Lord Holder held the baby out for her to
take once more. "I'm very proud of the son we made," he said softly,
hoping that she knew just how deeply he meant it.

"I am too," Zelanka admitted.

"Anything, Zela. If you need _anything_..." he reminded her once more
before he stood to walk out of the tent and back into the blinding
sunlight. Perhaps it was the intensity of the brightness that stung his
eyes.

~*~
The knock on the door jolted Zelanka out of her memories and she went to
open the door.

"Granny! Are you ready to go!" A little girl pretty much bursted in.

"Yes, dear Lanalya, I'm ready, just waiting for your grandpa." she gave the
girl a hug and lifted her gaze to smile at her son, daughter-in-law and the
younger grand-daughter. _This_ was her family.

Last updated on the June 4th 2013

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I'll remember