Fears

Writers: Eimi, Paula
Date Posted: 3rd May 2013

Characters: Yanley, Benaroy
Description: Pregnancy brings up fears and memories for Yanley.
Location: Amber Hills Hold
Date: month 13, day 20 of Turn 6
Notes: Mentioned: Royan, D'ale

Yanley

Yanley was sitting in her room, sewing baby clothes. Both of her flits had
curled up for a nap and she was all alone. She made a row of neat little
stiches and then lifted the cloth for inspection. Such a small tunic...and
one day she would be dressing it on her baby. If everything went well.
During her Turns of infertile marriage, she had studied all she could
(without being healer) about the subject of pregnancies and child births.
Now all that knowledge came back to haunt her and sewing let her mind free
to roam. So many things that could go wrong during the process. Her own
mother had died in childbirth, when Anzha had been born. Yanley had been
eight... her mind slipped to that day....

~*~ Flashback begins ~*~

Yanley knew something was wrong. Her nanny had pretty much locked her into
the play room and she could hear people running around in corridors. She
had already done her homework and didn't feel like playing. Sitting on
bench under window, she kicked her heels again the wood and fretted. She
all knew her mother was about to have a baby.

Benaroy stopped outside the room, his hand on the handle. He had been
determined to tell his older children himself. After all, this was a
moment they would remember for the rest of their lives. It was only proper
that such life altering news should come from him first. While he knew
Royan and Benaran would grieve the loss of their mother, they were boys,
and old enough not to need a woman mothering over them. But Yanley and
Benley... They were still young enough to need a mother's loving touch,
and yet old enough to very soon need a mother's loving guidance into
womanhood. This loss would be felt hardest by them.

And more than that, he knew that one day it would be _their_ bodies on the
line to bring forth a new generation into this world.

He had decided to tell his older daughter first, but for a moment, his
resolve wavered. Maybe he should find a woman to tell her. Someone who
could not only explain, but also calm her fears and comfort her in the
gentle way women seemed to have at such times. Benaroy himself had lost
four children and a wife before now, and it seemed that a woman's soothing
words or touch was what carried him through the grief and despair every
time. He felt wholly inadequate and unprepared.

Taking a deep breath, he cleared his throat and turned the handle before he
could change his mind. Ready or not, it had to be done.

"Daddy!" Yanley jump to her feet when she saw him. His expression didn't
bode well. Has she been naughty again?

Benaroy sat down and did something he rarely did - he motioned for her to
come and sit on his lap. It had always been easier to show affection to
his daughter than any of his sons. "Come here, Yanley."

"What is it?" she walked over to sit on his knee, giving him a serious,
questioning look from her eyes.

He wrapped wrapped his arms around her lightly, feeling more than a little
awkward and definitely ill prepared. "You know your mother was having a
baby today, right? Well, something went wrong and... She's gone." No,
that was not the right word to use with an eight-turn-old child. "She has
died, Yanley."

She nodded when he talked about having a baby but when she heard his final
words, her mind just...froze. Her body turned rigid. She knew what death
was. Her baby sister had died, and few Turns ago she had a puppy...well, it
had not been exactly _hers_ but she had played a lot with it. Then it had
ran under an arriving Trader's wagon and got run over. Now she couldn't get
_that_ image out of her mind. There had been blood splattered all over the
road. "NO, she CAN'T!" the denial came out as a one shriek. "Not like
Little Paw," she moaned "...or Aroley..." her voice faded.

Benaroy felt a stab of shame. He had not thought of Aroley for a while
now. They had had such little time with her before she was taken from
them, it was hard to believe her short life hadn't been just a dream. He
had become so used to burying the dead and moving on, even now, he barely
felt the loss of Anley. Had his heart truly grown so cold?

"Yes, Yanley," he said, cradling her head to his chest. "I'm afraid she
has died, just like little Aroley. I know it's hard to understand, but
sometimes people are taken from us. I wish it were not so, but it is."

"Nononono not mamie! Not mamie. You're lying!" Yanley bounded his chest in
grief and in a futile attempt to deny the truth.

"Yanley... Yanley, stop," he said, pulling her even closer to stop the
barrage. "Stop." Benaroy could understand her wish that he was not
telling the truth. Sometimes it was just too much for the heart to
believe. "I know you don't want to hear this, dear, but it true. It's
true, Yanley. I wish it were not so, but it is."

She sagged against him and broke into sobs.

"I know you must cry, my little love," he said with rare tenderness, "but
remember your mother would not want you to be sad forever. She needs you
to take care of all of us. Especially your new baby sister."
Benaroy lay his head against the top of hers and held her silently for a
few moments. He had wished a better future for his children, one in which
death was not an ever present reality. After losing two wives and three
children, it was hard for him not to wonder if he just attracted bad
fortune for those around him. But what good were such thoughts to anyone.
This was life, and life had to go on.

~*~

"Ouch!" Yanley lifted her finger to look a drop of blood in the tip. Lost
in her childhood, she had pricked herself with the needle. Tears filled her
eyes and they had nothing to do with the blood. "I just wish you will be
born healty and safely," she said, stroking her belly that was already
bulging under her dress. She didn't want to end up like her mother either.
"I want us both live happily ever after." So frightened she felt, so
utterly alone, that she almost woke up her flits to send a D'ale message:
come to get me. Almost. But she didn't.

Last updated on the June 4th 2013

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Fears