Don't Worry, I'm gone

Writers: Ames, Eimi
Date Posted: 31st March 2013

Characters: Cardella, J'nev
Description: Cardella reflects back on how her relationship with J'nev ended
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 13, day 6 of Turn 6
Notes: Mentioned: U'kaiah

Cardella

Cardella hadn't spent much time dwelling on things between them of
late, but having seen J'nev just that evening in the dining hall had
brought back memories. Now, sitting alone in her room, she allowed
herself some time to think back to what exactly had happened between
them.

~~ Begin Flashback ~~

Graduation! It was hard to believe that she was no longer a weyrling
anymore. Smiling happily Cardella wandered around the Weyrbowl, just
enjoying the day itself. That was when she spotted him. They had
spoken off and on during her last months as a weyrling. She'd tried,
_really_ and truly tried to make things work between them, but it
always seemed as though something kept them apart. Not anymore.
Assuming that the only reason things had gotten cold between them was
her weyrlinghood, Cardella vowed to change things now.

"J'nev!" She called out, raising her hand slightly as she hurried in
his direction. She was beaming happily at having graduated and
couldn't wait to share in that glow of happiness with him.

The bronzerider had not had the best day, having been corrected by his
sharding Wingleader _again_. And in front of the whole Wing! That
sharding bastard U'kaiah. One day he would be put in his place! He was
in no mood for conversation and the thought that the Weyrlings had just
graduated hadn't even entered his mind. "Hey Cardella," he mumbled, not
thinking of really stopping for a chat.

His reaction slowed her. She was eager and excited and he seemed so
much the opposite. She hurried to catch up with him, noting that he
hadn't really stopped. Her stomach seemed filled with knots, and his
reaction definitely wasn't helping. "I graduated," she announced,
trying to keep her bubbling enthusiasm from spilling over too much
since she sensed he wasn't in the best of moods. "How are you?" She
waited, almost holding her breath, wondering what his answer would be.

The implication of what her graduation actually meant escaped him as he
found an outlet for his frustration. "Well, you better hope you're not
put in _my_ Wing. That sharding bastard, U'kaiah. He thinks he's so
sharding special. He yelled at me in front of the whole Wing, even
though he _knew_ I hadn't done anything wrong! It was that sharding
brown's fault for getting in my way, and everyone know it! He just made
himself look like a wherry's ass, not me."

She stood there for a moment, her mouth gaping slightly at his
outburst. It wasn't what she had expected, though she had sensed he
was tense. "I...well...I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure you didn't do
anything wrong." She didn't know what else to say. Her hands moved
slightly as though to try and comfort him, but she pulled them back to
her sides. They had been so distant for so long, she didn't think he
would want her attempts to soothe him.

"The ass just hates me because I won Aileyan's Flight," J'nev said
bitterly, releasing his frustration to anyone who would listen. "He
can't stand the fact that I out-flew him."

"I see," Cardella replied, a frown pulling on what was a bright smile
not too long ago. Graduation had been good, things were looking up,
but J'nev's attitude felt like a dead-weight pulling her down in this
moment. "I don't know what you could do to make things better," she
finally added, finding herself at a loss for what to say.

"Yeah, well, that makes two of us," he said with a helpless shrugg.
"Shards, why couldn't I have been put in G'nir's Wing? I'm good enough
to be in his Wing! I know U'kaiah doesn't see it, but I bet the
Weyrleader would."

She tried not to sigh as he continued to focus on the issues with the
wing. Cardella realized as she listened that her heart wasn't truly in
it. In fact, her heart hadn't really been in her thoughts about J'nev
for some time. Yes, he was handsome. Yes, he was a bronzerider. Yes,
he'd been her first. But yet, somehow, standing here, listening to him
talk, she realized she saw him now as more of another friend rather
than the lover she'd imagined them to be so many months ago.

"Can you ask for a transfer?" She asked, still not completely into all
the politics of the wings and the Weyr.

"Not yet," he grumbled, kicking at a stray stone. "Besides, if hating
your Wingleader was all it took to get a transfer, probably half the
Wing would be trying for it." J'nev was sure he couldn't be the only
one. "What Wing are you going into?"

"The Weyrwoman's," Cardella replied. "She came and spoke to me
directly. I'll be flying with her, the other golds, and the rest of
the Sienna Wing." Cardella was proud that she'd been chosen to
represent the Weyr in such a way. She had done well during her
weyrling training.

"That's good," he said with a nod, knowing what an honor that was. "At
least you're not in my Wing. And Hygalia seems like a nice lady."

"Yes, she seems that way. I'm a bit nervous, however. I mean, she _is_
the Weyrwoman and I don't want to disappoint her," Cardella sighed a
bit. Their conversation had stayed only on safe topics. It was as
though they were acquaintances only. She found that thought didn't
distress her as much as she'd thought it would. In fact, she'd hardly
dwelt on their relationship these past few months as she'd finished
her studies and begun preparing to enter a wing. Could it be that
whatever was between them was long over? There sure didn't seem to be
any spark left there at the moment. Did she even _want_ to rekindle
it?

"Other than the wing and drills, how have other things been?" She
asked, curious if perhaps he had moved on to someone else, or what his
thoughts about her might even be. Her own were very clouded now.

He shrugged a shoulder and stuck his hands on his pockets. "All right,
I guess. Busy. It's all drills and Fall for the most part. A bit of
drinking here and there. Nothing particularly special. You?"

"It's about the same for me. It's been lots of practice and training.
Aside from everything that happened with Rama," she added the last
quietly, feeling the hints of sadness at the loss of her friend. She
knew now that she would lose many more over the Turns and that thought
did not sit well with her.

"It's hard to lose people who are important to us," she added.

"Yeah," he nodded, not knowing quite what to say. It was evident that
he was searching for something to talk about, now that he had his tiff
with U'kaiah off his chest. "So you're graduated, huh?"

"I am," Cardella replied, finding their conversation getting more
forced and difficult. "Hard to believe isn't it? Time has passed since
those days before Awenth came into my life. Time seems to change us
all."

"So... Do you want to show me your new weyr?" He needed _something_ to
brighten his day.

"Sure," Cardella replied. "Follow me." It didn't take her long to show
him to her new weyr. She never really considered what they would _do_
once they got there, having been a bit too eager to show off her new
living space. "It's not much and nothing compared to yours, but it's
home." She smiled as she waved her hand around the space of her small
weyr.

"It's nice," he nodded, giving it the customary look round. Having done
his duty, he stepped up close and leaned in to kiss her softly on the
lips.

"Oh," Cardella declared a bit startled. Perhaps all her other thoughts
had been for naught after all. She returned his kiss, but still found
that it wasn't as _exciting_ as she remembered. **What's wrong with
you?** She mused. Here was J'nev, the one she had declared her love
for to herself and yet she found his kiss doing little to excite or
ignite her. Had _she_ changed so much since then?

J'nev was wasting no time locating the bed and moving her backwards
towards it, deepening the kisses with each step. Shards, he needed
_something_ to rescue this dismal day!

Her body did start to react to his kisses, knowing what was to come,
but her heart and mind didn't seem completely _into_ what was
happening. Pulling back she put her hand on his shoulder and looked
into his eyes. Her own questions showing in her own.

"What _is_ this between us, J'nev?" Cardella felt the need to know
answers. "Is there still something between us or is this just
something else?" She knew it might kill the mood, but Cardella wasn't
going to throw herself at him or just give in until she had some
answers. Sure, she enjoyed what they were considering, but it still
wasn't something she'd given away easily to anyone who came calling.

"You're asking this now?" he asked, real confusion on his face. Why did
she even agree to invite him up to her room if not for this? "Come on,
Cardella, can't we just enjoy the moment and let the rest sort itself
out?"

She frowned, her hand holding him back. "No, I don't think we can.
We've hardly spoken in months and now suddenly you're all over me. I
don't know about you, but we don't seem to be able to _talk_ to each
other anymore." **Then again, maybe we never did,** she mused. "I'm
not saying I don't enjoy what you're offering, but I want to know
where _we_ stand before anything else happens. Either there _is_
something more between us, or it's just what happens between the
sheets that interests you. I need to know which one it is." Her tone
indicated she wasn't going to be pushed around so easily. Time had
passed and her confidence had grown. She knew now that she was as
desirable young woman.

"What, am I not good enough for you any more?" Give the girl a green
dragon and suddenly she thinks she's a hot commodity! "You have a
Flight, get bedded by another man, and suddenly I have to prove myself
before I can touch you again? I bet you didn't ask _him_ to explain his
intentions. You just laid back and spread your legs! But suddenly now
I want to come back onto the scene and I have to pass some sort of
sharding test?"

She let her breath out slowly, counting to ten. She was _not_ going to
get angry.

"I think you misunderstood, J'nev. I cannot control what happens
during Flight, but I can control the other times in my life. I want
those times to mean something, for both of us. I don't want it to just
be a roll between the sheets." She sighed, this wasn't going well and
she knew it. "I just feel like we haven't connected in awhile. I want
to feel that connection again before we do anything more." She'd tried
to explain, but she didn't think she'd done a good job at it. Still
she knew how she felt about herself and her body and she wanted the
times she shared it with others, outside of Flight, to be because of a
deeper connection.

"Well, maybe telling a guy you love him isn't much a connection in your
little world, but it meant something in mine." Not a lot, but he wasn't
going to admit that. Shards, what _else_ could go wrong today! He
couldn't even bed a girl who couldn't get enough of him in the past!
"Fine, you know what? Forget it. I'll go 'connect' with someone else.
There's plenty of women who have never lied to me about their feelings
and who don't give a tunnel snake's turd about my 'intentions'. I'll
just go find one of them."

**You know what, I've had enough of this. I don't need to feel
belittled or put down in order to find someone to care about,** She
fumed inside.

"Fine, J'nev. I didn't lie to you about my feelings before, but
feelings _do_ change. I don't need to be made to feel worthless or put
down just because I needed to _talk_ to you first. I think we're
finished with this. Go ahead and find one of those other women who
doesn't care. I _do_ care, but you've never wanted to listen to me or
_talk_ to me. So life is different here, that doesn't change who I am
inside." She crossed her arms in front of her chest and stepped away
from him. "Go," she whispered through clenched teeth. **I don't need
this kind of relationship in my life.**

He held up his hands, backing his way to the door. "Don't worry, I'm
gone. If your feelings change that fast and easy, then they were never
worth having in the first place." She turned into a typical Weyr
greenrider, just like J'nev knew she would. Just like every girl
eventually did. **She'd be another good one for U'kaiah,** he thought
as he turned to let himself out.

She was so frustrated she wanted to throw something after him, but she
didn't. Instead she threw herself onto her bed and cried.

~~End Flashback~~

How things had changed since then. She hardly thought of J'nev now and
when she did it was with a mix of anger and pity, not sorrow. No, she
wasn't sad that things had ended between them. In fact he felt almost
like a release from something that was pulling her down. He'd _always_
turned the tables on her, made her feel that _everything_ was her
fault alone.

"It takes two, buddy," she mumbled to herself as she stood from the
small table in her weyr and headed to pat Awenth. Awenth. Now _that_
thought brought her joy and peace.

"You've changed me, love, and for the better. I won't allow myself to
be belittled by any man ever again. Besides, I don't need anyone now
that I have you." Cardella hugged the green around her neck. **Not
that I wouldn't _mind_ having a certain man to call my own,** she knew
the thought was a bit foolish in the weyr, but still it was all that
she felt that was missing from the dreams she'd had of her life so
many Turns ago.

**I feel sorry for J'nev. He always seems so angry. He has no idea
what it means to find happiness. Perhaps someday he will,** having
finished dwelling on the past, Cardella felt it was time to look to
the future. "What shall we do this evening, my lovely Awenth?" She
grinned as the green's eyes whirled with delight at the prospect of a
free evening to enjoy together.

Last updated on the April 1st 2013

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Don't Worry, I'm gone