So Much Harder

Writers: Eimi, Suzee
Date Posted: 28th August 2012
Series: It takes Time to Love

Characters: U'kaiah, Tavia, Ranari
Description: Tavia finally hands her son to his foster mother.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 8, day 19 of Turn 6
Notes: Follows "U'kaiah's Worst Nightmare"

Tavia

Though their disagreement remain unresolved, U'kaiah stayed until the
morning when he helped Tavia by carrying the bags of toys and clothes to
his new foster mother's weyr. She was starting drills that morning, and
their son would have to be moved into a more permanent arrangement. It
was just how it was for rider folk.

She worked almost silently not wanting to break the fragile peace that
seemed to have settled since their argument. Tears prickled in her
eyes but she refused to give in to them. She'd known the day was
coming when Kaiavin had to begin living with his foster mother but
she'd sworn to herself he would have as much of her time as she could
manage.

Glory had caught her mood and had tried to encourage her with some
sweet warbles and croons but other than dropping a quick caress Tavia
hadn't paid much attention to her egg heavy little queen. "Ready," she
finally asked as she picked up the baby to carry him down the stairs
to Ranari.

Burying her face in his hair for a moment, she thought of something to
possibly help break the ice that had seemed to form between her and
the bronzrider. "Do you think you might want one of Glory's eggs when
they're ready? You can have the pick if you'd like."

The bronzerider was slinging another bag over his shoulder, feeling very
much like a beast of burden, while checking around to see how many more
he had to carry. He was only half listening as he took stock of the
baggage situation. "No thanks, I don't have much time for a pet."

She stopped and squinted at him as he moved away from her. "Right,"
she said noncommittally. Here she was trying to make a peace offering
and he just brushed it aside like it was a bother to even think about.
She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She wasn't going to pick
at this like a poorly healed scab.

She walked ahead of U'kaiah toward the door and picked up the last bag
before heading down the stairs to the lower caverns with her son. His
last night with her hadn't been all she wanted it to be and she had
only one person to blame for that.

As she walked away, U'kaiah realized that he has screwed up yet again.
"Thank you for asking, though," he tried calling after her, but she was
already out the door. **Shards, can I do _nothing_ right?** he thought,
annoyed once more. What did she expect just dropping that on him when
he had slept badly, was trying to carry almost all their son's
belongings while calculating in the back of his mind just how much time
he'd have back at Dragonsfall to take a nap before he was expected to
lead his Wing in drills... Did she really want a long discussion? And
just why was she being so sensitive about it anyway? It's not like she
was _buying_ the things!

He hung back for a moment, trying to stamp down his frustration before
he followed her down the stairs. U'kaiah would have to be quick,
though, because he sure didn't know where they were going!

"Mmhmm," she let sail back toward him. The damage had already been
done and on top of their argument in the middle of the night she just
wanted to get through this day with no more sharding upheaval if she
could. She descended the stairs at a steady pace, neither rushing nor
dawdling. She had a full day of training ahead of her and she'd left
Kaiavin's transfer to the last possible moment. She admitted to
herself she didn't want to let him go but it was time. Tavia was a
dragonrider and her job was to protect all the other mothers out there
who couldn't ride dragons to protect themselves. Her son would have
another mother in addition to her. He was a lucky fellow no matter how
much it hurt _her_ to give him up. Finally after weaving through the
passages to Ranari's door she stopped and turned back toward U'kaiah.
A light misting threatened her sight but she blinked it away.

"It's easy to get to the bowl from here." She pointed down a wide
passage. "That one will take you straight there. I'm sure Ranari and I
can manage the bags. Thank you for coming with me. It means a lot."

He was being dismissed? Just like that? U'kaiah had had every
intention of seeing this through to the end - being with her as she
handed off her baby, walking her down to the Weyrbowl before drills,
offering her whatever comfort he could. But now, not only was his
presence not needed, but it was not even _wanted_. He stood dumbfounded
for a moment, trying to figure out just what it was he had done. **Is
this about the stupid flit egg?** he wondered. Well, if that was what
it took to keep the peace... "Fine, Tavia, I'll take the egg."

She could practically see the steam rising off of him before he spoke.
But right at that moment the door opened.

"Tavia," Ranari smiled at the two but then her smiled faded slightly
as she felt the tension. "Here," she said reaching for the bag Tavia
carried. "Come on in." She opened the door wide and left it open for
the two riders. She'd done this before and knew how taxing it would be
for the baby's parents. "His room is right in here." She lead the way
toward Kaiavin's space in a room with her two turn old fosterling.

Tavia followed her friend into the baby's new room and smiled at the
happy decorations. She had a very difficult time for a moment and hid
her face in the small bundle by first kissing the babe before placing
him in his new bed.

U'kaiah had followed her in, still draped in the bags he had carried
down. Now he set them gently by the wall next to his new crib. Out of
the corner of his eye he watched Tavia and their son in one last
intimate moment before she had to let him go. He knew how hard this was
for her, and he regretted that somehow, however unintentionally, he had
made this worse for her.

Tavia gritted her teeth to try and bite back the threatening tears.
"Thanks Ranari. I'll see you later." She knew she shouldn't come back
right away. Her son had to adjust to the new situation even as she did
though it felt more like she was abandoning him. She turned and walked
almost blindly out the door and into the corridor.

Ranari took the last of the bags from his shoulder, gave him a
speaking look and a sharp thrust of her head in the direction Tavia
had gone.

The bronzerider resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He was not
completely clueless, despite his lack of success over the past few
candlemarks. And he certainly was not leaving until he said goodbye to
his son as well. Tavia would be seeing him again in the next few days.
For him it could be sevendays. Leaning down over the edge of the
cradle, he gave the baby's cheek a quick kiss and whispered, "Goodbye,
little man. I'll come again soon."

He gave the foster mother a look to say **Now I'm ready to go.**
U'kaiah hurried to catch up with the greenrider, softly calling her name
as he reached the door she had passed through just moments before.

Tavia had traveled only a few steps past the door fighting her tears
the whole way until she finally couldn't see well enough in the dim
light of the glows. She reached out for the stone wall to guide her
and lifted the other hand to her face trying to somehow regain
control. She tried valiantly but the tears finally fell. Once the
damn burst there was nothing she could do to prevent the flood.

U'kaiah covered her outstretched hand with his own, putting his other on
her shoulder to stop her from walking blindly down the passageway.
"Tavia," he said again softly, not wanting her to grieve alone, though
unsure if his presence would be a comfort or an annoyance.

What little control she had left was lost when he touched her and
spoke her name. She turned and sagged against him burying her face in
his chest as she finally let go.

His long arms enfolded her with both a sense of relief and sympathy. He
was accustomed to saying goodbye and assuming he would not be there for
their son's important moments. But for Tavia this was a fresh pain. He
wished there was something he could say or do to make everything all
right, but he knew in this case, all he could really do was hold her and
try to make her understand that she was not alone.

She wept and clung to U'kaiah. In that moment, none of what had
transpired the previous night matter or even entered her mind. His
arms around her as she tried to handle the hurt were more comfort than
she'd thought they could be. As the major part of the storm passed she
was left with a shuddering intake of breath and a stammered
"s-s-s-orry."

"No, Tavia, don't be sorry," he said gently, caressing her hair. "If
ever there was a time that deserved a bit of sadness, it's this."
U'kaiah had always respected Aileyan's tenacity in deciding to take on
the task of raising her son part time while fulfilling her dragonrider
duties. Now, after seeing the love and bond between her and their son,
he wondered if Tavia's choice didn't take just as much strength.

Tavia didn't want to let go of him. She needed him right then and she
felt like a fool for her reaction to his questions the previous night.
She lifted her head to look up at him. "This is so much harder than I
thought."

"I know, gorgeous," U'kaiah said, giving her a tender smile as his
thumbs gently wiped tears from her cheeks. There was nothing really he
could say to make it any easier for her. But there was something he
would do. "That's why I won't leave you alone tonight. As soon as my
drills are done, I'll be back. I promise."

"Okay," she nodded. Her hands rose to his and she gave him a shaky
smile. "Thank you." She wasn't quite sure how she'd get through the
day but having him there tonight would make it feel less empty in her
weyr.

Last updated on the September 1st 2012

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