Decisions of the Heart

Writers: Clancey, Heather
Date Posted: 25th May 2012

Characters: Devyn, J'darin
Description: Devyn seeks out J'darin after Ellyth's mating flight.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 8, day 7 of Turn 6
Notes: Mentioned: P'nal

Devyn

J'darin

He was sprawled, half naked, on his bed, with furs piled all around
him against the chill and a cup of wine in one hand, with the skin on
the table beside the bed.

He might have looked cozy and comfortable, but underneath those dark
blue eyes, anger, jealousy, disappointment, and even a little pride -
his pride and his pride for _her_ - lurked, ready to leap on any
unsuspecting person with the furiousity of a wild feline. Some of his
lust had been sated in his willing partner, but he had left her
quickly after the first time, thinking of Devyn. He had found that
he was unable to spend all his passion with a woman he didn't truly
want to be with, and that was odd, at the least, for a bronzerider.

Hasaarth's own disappointment was feeding his emotional state - the
bronze was in his wallow grumbling. To have lost to a brown was one
thing, but to have lost to one he had been Hatched with was yet
another. The bronze was as aggravated as his rider, and for once,
was not 'commenting' on the wine J'darin had consumed.

Driven to distraction by thinking of his Devyn with his best friend,
he had fallen off the wagon with a loud THUD and landed in his bed,
alone, with half a skin of wine down and another half to go.

Oddly, despite the months since he'd tasted wine, his emotional state
was such that the wine was barely affecting him. Above all, he
longed for Devyn here in his bed, but his pride would not let him
wonder where she was, if she'd stayed with P'nal, or even ask after
her. Not that Ellyth would have talked to Hasaarth, being no doubt
curled up with Jodeth.

He sighed, pulled more furs over him and took down a large swallow of wine.

For Devyn the disappointment of not having J'darin win her flight was
a little less intense. As a greenrider, she was well accustom to
having different partners, and Ellyth was not known to pick the same
mate twice in a row when it came to her flights. While the greenrider
had been hoping, with the recent development of her relationship with
J'darin, that the bronze Hasaarth would win, she had at least been
glad that someone nice, such as P'nal, had won.

With Ellyth still pleasantly curled around Jodeth, Devyn had to hope
that J'darin was in his weyr. She wasn't sure what had become of him
directly after the flight as she ha been otherwise occupied herself.
Once the mating flight lust had subsided she had politely excused
herself from P'nal's presence in favor of seeking out the
Weyrlingmaster. Devyn didn't know if she should assume that the flight
would upset J'darin. She knew he liked her, the gift of the hair comb
said that much, but J'darin, a Weyrlingmaster of all people, knew how
relationships were in the weyr.

What if he wasn't even that disappointed that he'd lost the flight?
Being a bronzerider he was probably so use to flights that he was
tired of them.

Knocking on J'darin's door, Devyn hesitated only a moment before
opening it enough to allow herself to peek in, "J'darin?"

He did know how it was with mating flights, and it was this truth he'd
been trying to deal with since he'd returned to his weyr. It was
ridiculous for him to be so disturbed about losing the Flight, but
still, he had never really been here before, and did not know how to
deal with his own lectures in his own life.

Hasaarth chased greens and golds and would continue to do so, despite
his wish to spend all of his passion with Devyn, and Devyn alone, and
it would be fine. It was part of being a dragonrider and living in
the Weyr, and a part of living lives that could be ended at any
moment.

Still, he was disappointed, angry, and... lonely.

It was disturbing to realize just how deeply he'd fallen for the
greenrider, and how much he wanted their relationship to be ...a
success. Everyone else had left him, except P'nal.

Trying to distill all of this into a normal emotion was why he was
curled up in his bed with wine, needing a little help.

It was then he heard her voice, calling his name from the outer weyr.

She had come! Come here looking for him! What a sorry excuse for a
man he was, drowning his stupid sorrows in a glass of wine, when she
had come here, looking for him.

He shrugged off his anger - he wasn't angry at her, after all, only
that he had lost - and climbed out of his nest, still half-dressed.
"Devyn? " He came out of the bedroom, looking for her. "Devyn! Come
in, please." His eyes were dark with suppressed longing for her, but
he smiled.

Upon hearing J'darin's voice, Devyn pushed the door the rest of the
way open, closing it behind her as she saw J'darin emerge from his
bedroom. She was surprised to find the Weyrlingmaster half-dressed and
disheveled. He had been upset about losing then, a fact that made
Devyn feel as if seeking him out so soon had been a good decision.

"I just wanted to come by and..." she trailed off, uncertain of how to
finish that sentence. What was she doing? Seeking assurance? Checking
up on him?

"And see you." She finally finished, but it was as she drew up in
front of him that the inevitable smell of wine greeted her.
"You've been drinking?" Devyn arched an eyebrow. She'd learned from
J'darin himself on one of their first dates that he was recovering
from his dependency on alcohol.

What a horrible man! He had been sitting here drinking all because of
a little flight lust. And she had come looking for him.

He actually blushed when she noticed the wine and tried to put the cup
down and out of sight, like a small boy caught stealing cookies he'd
been expressly told not to take.

"I ... uh.... " He gave up finding an excuse and finally just told
her the truth. "I was so ...upset.... we lost that I fell off the
wagon with a very loud 'thud'. The good news is, I only had a few
cups of wine.... trying to stop the aching. " He looked ashamed. "I
can put it down." And he did, walking over to the table and setting
it down forcefully. He would _not_ be a slave to alcohol, not when
she cared enough to come looking for him!

He was still embarrassed, but he raised his chin an inch or so,
admitting his defeat. "It was stupid. It was just a Flight and thats
how Flights go..... I teach it to the weyrlings until both them and me
are blue in the face and I am not _mad_... just.... " He paused,
searching for a word. His voice was very soft. "I wanted you so
badly... and then it was my best friend...." He wasn't sure how that
made him feel. Angry, maybe. But if he couldn't trust P'nal, who
could he trust?

"I'm sorry, Devyn." He didn't know what he was sorry for, quite, but
she didn't deserve to be with someone who couldn't handle her green
Rising. ".. the dragons choose... And we're dragonriders." But he
was still a little off-balance, unsure. He didn't really know how to
explain behavior that really he had no excuse for indulging.

"Maybe I'm not as smart as I thought." He smiled at her, hesitantly.
What did she think? Would she still want to be around someone so
stupid?

Devyn wasn't all that upset about the wine, after all, she'd met
J'darin after his self-made vow to quit. She'd never known the drunken
J'darin that people sometimes spoke of. It amazed her that someone
like J'darin, who from the outside would appear so confident, could be
so insecure. It was a shame that the experiences in his life had
brought him to this when he deserved much more.

"Hey," her voice was soft as she came near, and from tip toes reached
up to cup his face in her hands, "there's nothing wrong with really
wanting to win a mating flight. I was hoping that you and Hasaarth
would win. At the end of the day, it's just a flight, something we
have no control over. What I _do_ have control over is who I spend
time with, who I share my heart with, and that's _you_ J'darin. Isn't
that much better than a flight?" He didn't have to take her to bed
under the forced lust of a mating flight, she would go willingly into
his arms whenever he wanted because she chose him.

He smiled down at her, then wrapped his arms around her waist and
pulled her in closer.

"Much much better, Devyn." He agreed, just as softly, hoping his
breath wasn't too awful of wine. He kissed her cheek lightly, gently,
then said with a faint grimace, "I can honestly say that I've never
been in a ...serious ... relationship... with a greenrider" He paused,
wondering if he was oversharing. He was very serious about making a
relationship with Devyn. A real one, a partnership. But he was
dumb and could not practice what he taught, apparently. He went on,
hoping she would forgive him. " I reacted very badly to what
is...after all, just a Flight. My weyrlings would laugh at me, and
so might P'nal."

"Thank you for choosing me, love. " He would have to be careful... and
he had to trust her. She cared for him, he knew, and she had just said
it out loud. Something must be right between them, then, and he
would trust that truth. "That makes me one happy bronzerider, no
matter the lost Flight."

Last updated on the May 29th 2012

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Decisions of the Heart