Where Do We Go From Here? (1/2)

Writers: JR, Anaria
Date Posted: 1st April 2011

Characters: J'klin, Roana
Description: J'klin apologizes to Roana after a night of drinking.
Location: River Bluff Weyr
Date: month 1, day 1 of Turn 6

J'klin woke up the next morning with a hangover of the likes that he hadn't seen in months. Despite his hasty retreat from the Tavern, Nimyth had convinced him that meeting Roana while reeking of liquor was probably not the best course of action. He bathed quickly, and grabbed mug of klah before making his mind up to go visit Roana. **Tell Phiralith I'm coming over,** he instructed Nimyth, as he walked to her weyr. On the trip, he tried to figure out the best way to explain to her what happened the night before.

Nursing her own mug of klah, Roana sat in the curve of Phiralith's side, the dragon's warm bulk a comforting weight behind her. The drink wasn't helping to ease off the headache resulting from a night spent up pacing, knowing he was off getting drunk. He may have told Nimyth not to tell Phiralith where they were but had left the loophole of what they were doing. Rather than being angry, she could only blame herself - for letting S'bryn test him that way, for losing her temper, for throwing Phira's flights into his face.

J'klin reached Roana's door, straightening his hair a bit before knocking. On any other day, he would have just let himself in, but for some reason he was afraid of what he might see on the other side. "Hey Ro, it's me. Can I come in?" He asked, nervousness causing his stomach to do flips.

Phiralith heard the knocking when she didn't, out on the ledge. Roana picked her way through her weyr to the door, swinging it open and leaning heavily against the thick wood. She didn't say anything, only looked up at him with exhausted hazel eyes, her dark curls a mess.

J'klin entered Roana's weyr, seeing the telltale signs that she'd been up late - blankets in disarray on the couch, a few empty mugs of klah, and partially eaten pastries. He sighed heavily before saying, "I went out drinking last night."

"I know," she said simply. Roana shut the door behind him and refilled her mug of klah from the pot on a brazier in the corner. Without looking directly at him, she pushed aside the blankets on the couch and curled up in the middle of it. Her hands curled around the warmth to keep them from fidgeting nervously. "You should know that there's nothing between me and S'bryn. His bronze has won Phira a few times. We're good friends. That's it. He was just worried that you were going to hurt me again."

J'klin shook his head, "I didn't really believe that there was anything going on between the two of you - not when you knew full well that I was coming down to meet you. But the only other explanation that I could think of was that you were testing me, that you _wanted_ to be seen with him, and honestly that made me even angrier. I have tried _so_hard_ to be the man that you want to be, to overcome my vices, to make you happy..." he shook his head glumly, trailing off.

"It wasn't planned," Roana sighed. "He Impressed Zaharath here, still has friends around, I just happened to be the first person he knew that he ran into when he dropped in to visit." She lowered the cup into her lap and leaned deeply into the cushions behind her, head dropping back so she could stare up at the ceiling. "You said you love me, J'klin."

"And I do," J'klin said quickly. He paused for a moment to collect his thoughts. "I have never been monogamous with a woman, Roana. Not even Arilanna. She had her lovers, and I had mine. And until I thought she was with my best friend, I couldn't have cared less. But the mere _sight_ of you with another man... I just couldn't take it. It was too much. And I've never cared that way before."

The greenrider's eyes slid shut, hiding the gloss of tears. "So you went and got drunk," she said softly. She fought a war with herself, knowing this was exactly the reason she'd held off on getting seriously involved with him.

J'klin paused to consider his next words, "I did. Because I haven't given up my drinking for myself. I gave it up for _you_, Roana, and so long as that is the case, I don't think it's ever really going to stick. Until I genuinely want this for myself, it's always going to be hard for me."

"So it's my fault?!" Roana straightened, staring at him incredulously. "I pushed you into giving it up, so it's my fault that the first thing you did when we have a disagreement is find a bottle? Faranth, if you hadn't overreacted to S'bryn holding my _hand_ in a very public place..." She trailed off into silence, fighting to keep from crying.

"Roana, all I ever do, all I ever think about is making you happy. That's it. That's what I revolve around, what keeps me waking up every morning. If you don't see that, if that isn't clear to you, than I think we have bigger issues. Yes, I overreacted, and I'm sorry. But everyone makes mistakes, and I'm sick of mine being the sole definers of my life," J'klin said, fighting to keep his tone from being accusatory or angry. "Yeah, I drank. It was stupid, and it was a mistake. But I realize when I was doing it that it was a mistake, and I confessed to it first thing this morning. I am _trying_ to be better."

She knew he meant what he said, but it didn't change certain things. "I've been in love with you for turns, J'klin. I accepted it when you chose Arilanna over me. I accepted it when you broke things off with her and left Dragonsfall and left me behind. When you didn't write or visit or anything. I thought I was over you, and then I came here and it all came back just as strong," Roana's hazel eyes burned, but she was still trying not to use her tears as emotional blackmail. "I love you, but I can't... don't... I won't watch you harm yourself with the drinking. If it takes breaking my own heart to make you see that you that, I'll do it."

"I don't think it'll take all that, but I do think that I need to spend a bit more time with a Mindhealer on the matter. It's become clear to me that you're my sole motivation for sobriety, and that's not healthy. Even if we never fight again, there's still going to come a time when I am tempted to drink and I make the wrong decision," J'klin said.

"What does that mean for us then?" Roana got back up to pace back and forth across the room to expend some nervous energy.

Last updated on the April 27th 2011

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Where Do We Go From Here? (1/2)