A Bad Go at Things

Writers: Eimi, Ames
Date Posted: 27th February 2011

Characters: Cardella, J'nev
Description: J'nev and Cardella talk about where to go from here
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 13, day 21 of Turn 5
Notes: Mentions: Aileyan, U'kaiah

Cardella

J'nev couldn't understand why Cardella had asked him for a couple days
to thinking about things yet _again_, but at least she was willing to
talk to him. He wasn't sure what he felt, or what he thought, any more.
Cardella had said she had pretty much taken him for a fool - saying she
loved him but now saying she didn't really know what that meant. But
then again, she really looked tired and sick. And she cried. She
_cried_! What did that mean? Who knew? But one thing for sure, he
would not let it end this way. It would end the way _he_ wanted it to
end! He had been played for a fool all his life, but not any more.

She could feel the knots in her stomach as she approached. She'd agreed
to this. More than that, she _needed_ this. Finding out what the real
truth was and coming to terms with what she'd done, what he'd done, and
what had happened between them was necessary if she ever hoped to move
forward with her life. Knowing that this time Awenth would not be
disturbed by her thoughts and emotions, Cardella walked forward.

"Hello, J'nev," she said quietly.

"Hi," he said, offering her a small smile. "Would you like to sit
down?"

She nodded and moved to sit next to him. Looking out ahead of her for a
moment, she sighed. Then she turned and looked at him. "Thank you for
helping me the other day. I should have made sure I'd taken better care
of myself," **but all I could think about was you** she thought as she
lowered her gaze and looked away almost sadly. Why did seeing him again
make her want to cry? Was it because she didn't know if she should be
begging him for forgiveness or trying to push him out of her life?

"You can't take care of a weyrling if you don't first take care of
yourself." He didn't say it in a lecturing tone, but rather only
repeated the words that she had probably heard, as all Weyrlings did,
over and over and over again those first few months of training. "I got
so sick of hearing that."

That only made her feel worse, as though she'd had harmed Awenth in some
way. Luckily she hadn't, but the thought of what if _did_ keep creeping
into her mind. "I didn't mean for it to happen," she mumbled feeling
rather down on herself at the moment. Truth be told, she'd been feeling
rather down for days now and no matter what she tried nothing seemed to
shake the melancholy that seemed to hang over her. Cardella didn't like
it, but she didn't seem to be able to _do_ anything about it. Part of
her had hoped that this meeting with J'nev would help, but his words, though
not meant to make her feel badly, had done so nevertheless.

He could tell that she had taken his meaning badly, and now was sulking.
That hadn't been what he had meant at all! "I was just trying to make
a joke. It could happen to anyone." Was she just trying to make him
think she was all needy and sad? Or was she really like that? He
couldn't tell any more and it frustrated him to no end.

She sighed, realizing she had somehow misconstured things again. **Way
to go, Cardella,** she chided herself. She looked up at him again and
tried to smile, but feared it came out more of a grimace.

"I'm sorry. I seem to be having a bad go at things of late," she
stopped, the started to speak again, but closed her mouth and instead
clasped her hands together in her lap. She honestly didn't know what the
say. The last time she'd started a conversation with him she'd ended up
accusing him of all sorts of things, but then when he'd sought her out
he'd been so kind and sweet and helpful. Who was J'nev really?

She looked back to him again and posed the question that weighed on her,
"Have you ever felt like you've lost yourself somehow? Like you are tied
to the center of a rope that is being pulled two ways at once and you
can't find your way free to know what you're to do next?"

"I suppose so," he said shrugging a shoulder. Though in his case it had
been more than the ground had opened up beneath him and he had no choice
which way to go.

She plucked at her clothes for a moment, lost in thought. "I think I may
have been unfair to you, J'nev," she finally said a bit heavily. "Only I
am to blame for my own actions. Not you." _That_ much she knew to be
true, as to what she felt for J'nev or what he might feel for her, she
still felt lost and torn into pieces.

"How so?" he asked, genuinely curious what she would accuse herself of.

She frowned, wishing she didn't have to do this, but she'd thought on
things for days and knew she owed him an apology.

"I said some terrible things the other day, but that's not the worst of
it," she quickly plowed on, "I never meant to be dishonest with you,
yet, I feel like I was," she frowned as she tried to sort out her
thoughts, "you asked me what happened to make me stop loving you. I
don't know if I have _stopped_. I don't know if what I felt _was_ love, but I said it,
and, now, I," she sighed, "I don't know what any of this is supposed to
feel like, and then I said those mean things, and..." her voice trailed off
as she looked away again. She sighed, squeezing her hands together. "I
wouldn't blame you if you hated me."

"I don't hate you," said quickly, though he wasn't completely sure
whether that statement was true or not. He certainly didn't feel the
same deep level of resent as he did against his parents, or even as he
did against Aileyan. But at the same time, she had certainly
disappointed him. She had proved herself just as low as every other
woman in the Weyr, at least made him look the fool, and for that, she
deserved to learn what he was really playing with. "I know we didn't
have much time together. But I thought it was special to you. I
thought it meant something. That _I_ meant something."

She tried to find words to say something, but nothing seemed to come
out. She sighed heavily.

"Why don't you like Aileyan?" She asked instead, needing to know the
answer before she decided to just get up and run away. She _didn't_ need
this kind of emotional turmoil. "She has been nothing but nice to me."

Well, now they were getting to the root of the problem. **Aileyan...
She did this,** he growled internally. At least this he could answer
with perfect honesty! "Because she's never been nice to me. She always
treated me like I was beneath her, even before she started sleeping with
the Wingleader, but doubly so after. All I ever did was try to be her
friend, and she acted like I was as low as a tunnelsnake. I asked her
once for a drink, and she accused me of only trying to get her into my
bed when I made no such offer. Maybe she's fine with other women, but
she thinks every man wants to get up her skirt and treats us all like
scum just for daring to look at her."

She stared at him, a look of shock, horror, and disbelief crossed her
face. "I...I didn't know any of that," she whispered. Cardella had no
idea what else to say. She felt worse than she had felt before.

"I doubt you would. Like I said, it's men she doesn't seem to like.
Unless they're U'kaiah." And now it seemed that bitch was trying to
ruin things between him and Cardella, too! Well, he'd show her! He'd
get Cardella back, and he'd be nothing but sweet and gentle to her, and
he'd show Aileyan what she could have had if she had just given him a
kind word or a little respect!

Cardella felt awful. She wasn't even sure what she should say to him
now, so she decided on a simple apology. "I'm sorry. I should have
talked to you first, but then it seemed like everyone was trying to
convince me that things between us were just a..." she paused searching for the right
word, "a game." She looked up at him, tears glistening just behind her
eyes. "I don't know what to think or do now."

"You could give me a chance," he sad softly, reaching out his hand to
gently touch hers.

She turned to look at him quickly, blinking. "You mean, you still want
to? After everything I said before?" She didn't pull away from his hand,
in fact she turned hers up towards his. She knew what her friends and
the others had said, but Cardella also knew that J'nev was _not_ the same
person with her as the others had described. She knew now that she needed to
make up her own mind, one way or the other, and the only way to do that was to
try again, now that she knew J'nev wasn't walking away.

"Yes," he said with conviction, giving her hand a squeeze. "But you
can't just take what people say about me without giving me a chance to
defend myself. People have all sorts of notions in their heads about
bronzeriders in this place. It's full of U'kaiah's and the like. But
I'm my own person, Cardella, and if you want to know the truth, you have
to talk to _me_." J'nev knew there would be those who would do all they
could to destroy their relationship. People like Aileyan. He would not
let that happen. He would prove them all wrong.

She returned his squeeze with one of her own, feeling as though a huge
weight had just been lifted from her shoulders. "I promise, J'nev. I
will not take the words of others before I speak to you myself next
time." Then, just because she felt so glad that things had worked out this way,
she dropped her head to rest on his shoulder. **Things are going to be just
fine from now on,** she thought as she smiled the first genuine smile
she had in days.

Last updated on the March 21st 2012

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A Bad Go at Things