Can We Talk

Writers: Eimi, Ames
Date Posted: 25th February 2011

Characters: Cardella, J'nev
Description: J'nev confronts Cardella about the words they had, but things don't go the way he planned
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 13, day 19 of Turn 5
Notes: Follows "Is This the End"

Cardella

Life had not been this hard for Cardella since she'd made the decision
to leave her family and join the bakerhall, but that had turned out to
be one of the best decisions of her life. She still couldn't quite
shake the feeling that had settled around her since her last encounter
with J'nev. A bit of the spark and spirit she normally had these days
seemed to have gone away.

Carrying the bucket back to the weyrling barracks now that she had
finished up her chores, she found she didn't really _want_ to do
anything. Plopping herself down on the bench outside in the bowl, she
tried to watch the goings on around her but found instead that she
ended up just staring off into space.

J'nev had been watching her, hoping to catch her alone. He hated the
way things had ended between them, mostly because he thought it made him
look like a fool. And after the way he had been duped all his life by
his parents, he had vowed never to be so naive again. Cardella had
sworn she had loved him. He hadn't returned the feeling, but still, the
idea that she could fall _out_ of love with him so quickly irritated
him. That was not the way it should have ended. _He_ should have been
the one to end it! And he would be. But first he had to make sure they
were not actually over.

"Cardella," he said as he come up behind her. "Can we talk?"

She looked up and had to stop to draw in a deep breath. She felt that
heavy, sinking feeling in her stomach that had assualted her for days
now coming back with a vengenence.

}:Are you well mine?:{ **Yes, Awenth, I'm fine. Stay put.** Cardella
did everything she could to block her thoughts from her green not
wanting to upset her like she had the last time.

"Alright, J'nev," she replied. Her hands felt cold and sweaty.
Cardella was worried he was going to explode right then and there in
front of her, angry at the words she'd spoken, ready to enact some
kind of revenge.

There was no anger in his voice. J'nev knew anger didn't always get him
what he wanted. The Flight with Aileyan had taught him that. Instead,
he schooled it into one of quiet desperation. "Just tell me what I did
to make you stop loving me."

She looked up at him, wishing he'd asked any other question that that.
Perhaps if he'd yelled at her she would have felt better, but instead he
was
being kind and nice just as he had always been towards her.

Swallowing with difficulty, she opened her mouth, then closed it again,
then had to take a deep breath to steady her racing heart before she
could look at him again. She felt the sting of tears try to come forward, but
she refused to let them win again.

"I'm sorry," she whispered back, "it's not you. I'm sorry I said such
hurtful things the other day." There she'd said it, though it hadn't
made her feel much better. Cardella had never said anything so mean
towards anyone else in her whole life and though she ached inside for she knew
some of it was true, she couldn't live with herself if she hadn't
apologized. She swallowed again, hating that fact that she seemed to be overly
emotional.

"It's my fault, J'nev. I don't think I," she stopped and looked away
from him, clasping her hands in front of her, "I don't think I really
understand half of this myself." She wanted to blow out her breath in
exasperation at her own inability to speak clearly and make sense. She took another
deep breath to try and keep herself in check. She couldn't stand to let
Awenth become distraught again.

"K'ale said you were upset because you heard people talk badly about
me." And J'nev very much wanted to know just what it was that people
were saying about him behind his back. The only person in the Weyr who
had any sort of claim of wrong behavior against him was Aileyan, but
only for what he said in that Flight room. In that, he knew he had gone
too far, though she certainly deserved some of what he said.

She had heard things from Aileyan and even T'bel, but she wasn't sure
she wanted to recount those now.

"K'ale talked to you?" She asked incredulous that he had gone to J'nev
after she'd opened up to him. He was her friend wasn't he? Why had he
gone to J'nev? She felt even more hurt and betrayed as she stood there, feeling
her stomach rolling in knots once again. The tightness and hurt she'd
been holding up inside had made eating difficult over the past few days.
She wished she could just start over, make all this disappear and not make
the same mistakes again.

"I didn't know things before, and, have you ever thought you were in
love, J'nev?" She asked him, finally looking up at his face and wishing
she hadn't. "I don't think I really know what love is. Do you?" She
wanted to berate herself for asking him such a question, but it was the
question that had been eating at her for days. She had told him she
thought she loved him,but now she had begun to realize that she didn't really know
what it meant to love another person. It was so much harder than the bond she
shared with Awenth now.

He didn't like the question. It was much too... personal. And it was
hard to twist the truth round to any way that would benefit him in this
case. You couldn't really lie about being in love. "I've... thought I
_could_ fall in love with someone. Isn't that close enough?"

She frowned. "I don't know J'nev. Is it enough? I'm sorry if I hurt you,
J'nev. I honestly thought what I was feeling must be what love is, but I
think I know now that I do," she paused and furrowed her brow, "or did,"
she didn't know what word to use anymore, "like you and you made me feel
special and like I was just as pretty as my sisters back home. I know
now that that alone isn't love. I did feel special if even just for alittle
while. Thank you for that." She was rambling and she knew it. Her thoughts were
a jumbled mess and she couldn't pull them together at the moment.

"So that's just... it. You thought you loved me and now that you know
that all I did was make you feel good for a while, I'm no longer much
use to you." That stung even worse than the thought that she would fall
out of love with him! He was doubly made the fool!

She looked up at him and blinked, her mouth opening and closing
soundlessly. "That's not, I mean, no, yes. That isn't what I meant." She
suddenly felt sick to her stomach and light headed. "I think I need to lie down,"
she murmured, glad that she at least had the bench under her for suddenly
she felt like the world was spinning. She wished now that she hadn't
skipped her last meal, but honestly she hadn't _wanted_ to eat then.

Was she trying to run away? Had he caught her in her little deception
and now she didn't know what to do? Well, if she was acting, she
certainly was very good at it, the way her face had turned pale. And
he'd be damned /between/ before he let her run away so easily! He took
off his tunic and wadded it up into a ball. Setting it at the end of
the bench to serve as a pillow he said, "Here, lie down. Give me your
feet."

She thought she might actually fall over right then and there and had no
intentions of running off anywhere. She blinked repeatedly to try and
clear her head, but it didn't seem to be helping. She gave J'nev a somewhat
grateful grimace as she took him up on his offer. When _was_ the last
time she'd eaten? Cardella found she couldn't seem to remember.

}:Mine. Mine. What's wrong?:{ Came the worried sound in her head. Before
Cardella could answer, a worried Awenth had turned away from her her own
antics to seek out her rider. The little green was fast approaching the
bench in her concern. She just about barreled into J'nev's groin in her
haste before she poked her snout up into Cardella's face.

"Awenth, I'm alright. I swear." The green dragon turned her head to
stare at J'nev as if he somehow was the reason for her rider's distress.
Cardella was doing her best to take deep breaths to try and clear the light
headed feeling she'd had.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled to J'nev. "I think maybe I need to eat
something."

She really _was_ sick. J'nev frowned slightly, feeling a little worried
now. "I'll get you something. Stay here." The thought passed through
his head as he stood up to run back to the kitchens that she might not
be there when he got back, that he'd look like an absolute idiot
standing there in his undershirt and a plate of food looking around for
someone having a great laugh at his expense back in the weyrling
barracks. But the way her face turned pale... He would just have to
take that chance.

She thought about leaving, she really did. Bit when she tried to sit
back up, her head hurt and she found the world spun again. Lying back down,
Awenth crooned to her, staying by her side. }:You need to eat,:{ Was the
green's spoken command. She reached a hand out lazily and patted Awenth
on he head. **I'll be alright, Awenth. I promise.**

She'd not been able to stomach food well since the argument with J'nev,
an argument she had caused. Closing her eyes now, she couldn't stop the few
stray tears from leaking out behind her eyes. Cardella was so confused.
Why was life so difficult? Why couldn't someone just tell her what she was
supposed to do?

J'nev was relieved when he came back that she was still there. "Can you
sit up?" he asked as he stood over her with a bundle of sandwiches and
cup of juice.

She must have drifted off for just a few moments for she didn't recall
hearing him return. She noticed Awenth had settled off to the side, but
was still keeping her own watch. "I think so," she said as she sat back up
slowly. She felt a bit better than she had, but she still didn't feel
well. She looked up at J'nev as she leaned back against the wall that was
behind her.

She didn't look too steady, so he sat down beside her, stretching an arm
behind her more to keep her upright than for any real desire to hold her
close. "Here, take what you want. Don't eat too fast, though."

She took the sandwich and took a few bites. It took a few minutes but as
she sipped and chewed, she _did_ begin to feel a bit better. Sitting the
sandwich back on the tray, she looked down at her lap with a frown and a
sniffle. Not only was she embarrassed now, she also still had no idea
what she wanted or expected or didn't want out of any relationship with
J'nev. Ducking her head, she reached up to swipe at the tears that fell
quietly.

"Thank you," she murmured without looking at him.

Great. Now she was crying. Even if she wasn't trying to make him look
like a mean spirited wretch, she sure was doing a good job making him
feel like one. But she was the one who used him and threw him away!
She had all but confessed that everything he had always thought about
her was true! And yet he found himself rubbing her back and murmuring
softly, "It will be ok, Cardella. It will be all right."

Last updated on the March 21st 2012

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