Doubts and Decisions (2 of 2)

Writers: Ames, Eimi
Date Posted: 23rd August 2010

Characters: J'nev, Cardella
Description: After some uncertainty and fear, Cardella asks J'nev for more time to decide things
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 10, day 25 of Turn 5
Notes: Part 2 of 2

Cardella

J'nev's own resolve wavered as he looked at her. She was terrified, and
almost crying. He had purposefully made this girl cry. A lifetime of
training was hard to ignore. Since he was young, he had always been
taught that he was supposed to take care of girls, first his sisters,
and then the promise of a woman of his own. That was a man's job. And
yet here he had reduced this girl to a quivering state. He hadn't
expected this, and he wasn't sure what to feel himself. His expected
feeling of triumph had turn to a confusion concoction of frustration,
pity, and even remorse.

What did he want? He wasn't sure at that moment, but he didn't want her
to cry. "It's all right, Cardella," he said gently, trying to pull her
hands away from her face. "You didn't do anything wrong. Please, don't
cry."

Cardella sniffled. Her eyes, rimmed with tears met his. "I'm _so_
sorry," she mumbled, crossing her arms in front of her. "I've
disappointed you," her eyes filled with tears again at that thought.
"Resta said I'd have
to..." Cardella suddenly stopped talking and lowered her face. "I don't
think I can." Cardella was almost mumbling to herself.

Realizing she'd spoken aloud, she looked at him with such despair in her
eyes. In that moment, Cardella hated herself. She'd not lived up to her
father's expectations, nor could she do what the Weyr asked of her it
seemed, what J'nev asked of her. She wanted to run away, but suddenly
didn't know where to go. Instead, she pulled her legs up closer to her,
wrapped her arms around them and lowered her head. Her body shivered as
she felt
the tears overwhelm her.

"I'm a disappointment..to everyone," she mumbled, clinging harder to
herself.

"Who have you disappointed? I'm the only one here," he said with only
slight a amount of frustration in his voice. "How could you have
disappointed anyone?"

"I've disappointed you," she whispered. She was so confused. At first
she was afraid to look at him, but she finally lifted her gaze to meet
his.

J'nev quickly looked away, feeling that remorse well up in him again.
"I thought you liked it," he mumbled.

"I...did," she replied, wiping her tears with the back of her hand as
she looked at him. "I got frightened." Cardella slowly lowered her legs
back
down, easing out of the near huddle she'd put herself in. She raised her
hand tentatively to his face, but pulled her fingers back a bit before
she reached him. She was uncertain what she should do now. Had she not
lost
him entirely because of her fears of the unknown?

"Everyone's afraid the first time. You just have to do it once and then
you don't have to feel afraid anymore." He tried to say the persuasive
words that might get through to her, but his tone of voice was not
nearly so authoritative or sure. J'nev wasn't sure what he wanted any
more.

Cardella swallowed. This time she did reach her hand out and touch his
cheek. "I'm still afraid, J'nev," she whispered, "but...I," Cardella
wasn't sure what she thought. She moved her hand away. "No one has ever
made me
feel the way you do, J'nev."

And now it sounded like she almost _wanted_ him to convince her, to give
her a reason to give in. Just who was playing games here? He thought
he had been the one in control of the situation. Now he wondered those
tears weren't all for show. But for what? What could she gain by bring
out the tears?

Unless she really _was_ like Aileyan. Maybe she still wanted him to
_think_ she was a good girl, being coaxed against her will. Perhaps
that was her game - let him take her to the edge, make him think he was
in control, then squeeze out a few tears and completely take it away
from him. Make him want to protect her. Make him want to _pity_ her.
Was all this her plan to play _him_?

J'nev found his strength again as he reached up for her hand. No more
pity. She could say no if she wanted to, when she wanted to. But he
was pretty sure she didn't actually want to. "I know, Cardella," he
said softly, reaching out to touch her face once more. "That's why you
have to trust me. I'll show you what to do, but you have to let go of
the past and just think about the way I make you feel. Let me show you
there's nothing to be afraid of."

Cardella's eyes met his as she tried to gauge his words. She _did_ trust
him. More than she trusted most of the others at the Weyr. He'd been so
gentle and understanding of her since they'd met. He'd made her feel
beautiful and special when no one else ever had. She didn't say
anything, just gave a slight nod of her head in response to his words.

He gently pulled her towards him. "Let's start again, then."

Cardella took a deep breath. "I want to, but I think I need more time.
So much has happened tonight. I'm not sure I'm completely ready, but I
care
about you deeply J'nev," she told him, not really thinking about how
much her words revealed about her. Cardella had never had anyone treat
her
the way J'nev did and it made her wonder if this was what love felt
like.
She had nothing to compare it to, but she did feel something for him.

**She cares deeply for me?** What a load of crackdust! Who falls in
love that fast? he thought as he wrapped his arms around her. They
barely talked at all. Since the beginning it's all been about sex.
That wasn't love. Even now, her shirt open in front of him, her lips
still swollen and her neck still pink from kisses and the heat, her
breath still coming fast, she could look him in the eye and play the
innocent virgin who was being coaxed into learning the ways of the world
against her will. Yet again, she was trying to twist him around and
make him believe the illusion she wanted him to believe. She loved him,
but she wouldn't sleep with him. She wants his pity and protection, and
yet _she_ called the shots! Cardella must think him a sharding fool,
trying to play him like that. Well, she'd learn better when he was
through with her.

All this went through his mind as he smiled tenderly at her. If she had
known him better, she might have been able to read his eyes, but the way
his arms wrapped around her, she would not know he did not feel the
same. "I understand, Cardella. I understand completely."

Cardella felt relief wash over her. He understood. He must care about
her too. She'd heard stories of men who did what they wished with women,
but
J'nev wasn't like that. He was a gentleman.

"Thank you, J'nev," she whispered, knowing that nothing more would
happen this night.

Last updated on the September 22nd 2010

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Doubts and Decisions (2 of 2)