Hurt and Unhappiness

Writers: Devin, Clancey
Date Posted: 27th April 2009

Characters: D'ren, Dysali
Description: D'ren makes a hard decision and Dysali suffers for it.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 2, day 6 of Turn 5

D'ren opened the door to his weyr, knowing he would find her there. And he was right.

Menanth had not told Lillyth where D'ren was, nor what he was doing.

Her confusion and hurt had by now translated to anger, especially given the lack of information shared between their dragons. Normally they were so free with each other, but that part of their relationship, like so many others, was damaged.

Perhaps beyond repair.

So, without knowing what else to do, she had gone to his weyr to wait for him to come home. At least Menanth had told Lillyth he was not there. She would not want to 'walk in' on him and another woman, if that is what he'd been off doing. The image would stay with her for too long.

}:He is here:{ came Lillyth's soft warning.

Tear-stained eyes looked up to meet his. "I.. didn't know what else to do." A heat that spoke of both anger and passion underlined the words and she stood to her feet, raising her chin without thinking.

He'd tried to find excuses, reasons to stay away longer, but he knew it would just make things worse. "Sorry I made you worry," was all he could manage.

"I wasn't as worried as I was ..." she struggled for a word that wasn't _sharding pissed_ and came up with, "...hurt. D'ren. I thought we were going to have a chance to spend some time... together... but you vanished. Without a word... and Menanth was quiet enough about your whereabouts. One of the female greenriders vanished around the time you did, too, and I ... wondered." She looked at him for a long moment, eyes sad. "D'ren, whats wrong?"

He looked at the floor. Part of him wanted to apologize, soothe her, try to go back to the way things were. But there was no going back. "I can't do this anymore," he said quietly. "I can't do this _to_ you anymore."

She was silent, in confusion, for several - too many - minutes.

Surely that hadn't been what it sounded like, had it? To cover her hurt and shock, and disbelief, she let some of the anger she was feeling in the middle of the hurt come out in her voice. "You can't what... what...are you sharding saying? Look at me! D'ren, what are you doing _to_ me? What am I doing _to_ you? I leave you alone when you want to be, most of the time. I don't follow you around or ask Menanth where you are all the time. But I do love you!" She finished angrily. "And I _care_ whats going on with you!"

Her cheeks were flushed, though no tears had started again and she willed him to look up, see her eyes. He wasn't alone. He had Menanth, but he had _her_. Well. He used to, anyway.

"I know you care." He didn't know how to explain it. All his harper training, and he couldn't find the right words. D'ren steeled himself and looked up at her. "I don't know what to say. I don't know who I am anymore."

She wanted to touch him; her fingers ached with the need. But it hadn't worked before...The anger melted as fast as it had come. She was tired, too.

She sighed a little and took one step closer. "More people than just me care for you, D'ren. We want to help you... but you have to want to be helped, or at least help us help you figure it out." She looked at his face, memorizing the look on it. She feared it might be the last time she saw him this way... but she hoped not...

"You are, at least, Menanth's rider. And you at least know that I love you. More than that, I can't tell you. Do you... should I leave you alone... I mean.. permanently?" the last words were bitterly soft, barely audible, and the pain... oh the pain. But she had to say it. It seemed to be all she could do for him.

That was such a harsh word. Such a final word. "I'm not saying I never want to see you again. But I think ... I think it would be best if we had separate lives." His voice shook little as he spoke. It was hard to look at her, to know that he was hurting her. He still loved Dysali, but he didn't know what that meant anymore. There was so much confusion and uncertainty in his life.

She visibly flinched. Her chin lifted though as she recovered. Anger flitted through her blue eyes and she couldn't keep the words from slipping out. "We haven't had lives together for months, D'ren. You're just making it formal." Hurt, oh yes. "I don't know how much less I could interfere in your life than I do already...." Tears
squeezed from those eyes, now focused heatedly on his face. Look at me, she thought. Look and know.

"... but if that is what you want. I'll just leave." She moved backwards, turning away.

The predictable turn back to look at him, tears standing out visibly on her pale face, going paler beneath the normal tan. "D'ren, I only ever wanted to make you happy. If this is what will make you happy... I mean... not loving me, then good luck. I hope you find what you're looking for, and who. It seems that what you want... well, it isn't me." She shivered a little and felt the old fears creeping in, the ones that an orphaned child had worked hard to overcome. Mostly with D'ren's help.

He stepped toward her and took her hand. "I want you to be happy, Dysali. Really. You've tried too hard for too long to make me happy. It shouldn't be like that. I need to figure out who I am, what I want ... and I don't want to drag you with me." **Drag you down with me,** he thought. "I'm not pushing you away, Dysali. I'm setting you free."

Tears continued to fall, unchecked. She shook her head. "You don't understand at all, do you? Freedom isn't something _you_ can give _me_. Its mine already. I am free to love you. Or anyone I want... " she looked down. ".... and so are you. I wish you the best D'ren. Maybe you'll find what makes you happy someday, since it isn't me." I hope, she added in her head, not saying that by 'freeing' her, he was just causing her pain. She didn't want to be 'free' of D'ren.

"Call us... anytime...." were the barest whisper of words and she ran for Lillyth's back as fast as she could go.

D'ren watched her go. Maybe in time she'd understand that it wasn't a lack in her, but a lack in him that prompted his decision. It wasn't Dysali's inability to make him happy, it was his own inability to _be_ happy. He needed to find out what could fill that empty hole in his life that I'ster's death had caused, and he didn't think any one person could fill it. It was better to hurt Dysali all at once like this, than to repeat the last few months of struggle and disappointment.

And maybe he was being selfish, too. Now he wouldn't have to make the effort of trying to hang on to their frayed relationship. He wouldn't have to worry about what she would think if he spent time with another woman, or if he wanted to spend his restday hidden away in his weyr. He was selfish and lazy and unhappy.

**I'm sorry, Dysali. I'm not what you deserve.**

Last updated on the April 27th 2009

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Hurt and Unhappiness