You Can't Understand What You Don't Feel

Writers: Cali, Eimi
Date Posted: 3rd March 2009

Characters: B'vin, D'cal
Description: B'vin tells D'cal to leave.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 1, day 23 of Turn 5

}: Asorath's is going to our weyr. :{ Serenth informed B'vin as she watched her rider from the beach as he swam in the water.

**Tell him we are down here.** B'vin replied as he started to wade out of the water. The two hadn't seen much of each other of late, there was a tension B'vin couldn't quite put his finger on, but maybe this was a good opportunity to set things back on track.

}: Asorath says he did not catch Rulioth and his rider needs you. :{ she explained.

B'vin sighed, that was it then. D'cal didn't want to see B'vin, he just wanted someone to relieve his need. He almost told Serenth to tell him he was busy, but he didn't. He toweled off and climbed up Serenth, allowing her to take them to their weyr, and D'cal.

"I didn't pull you away from anything important, did I?" the bluerider asked, though Faranth he didn't really care. Just the site of B'vin made him want to do things, things he rarely allowed himself to imagine with his best friend.

"I was just swimming." B'vin explained as he jumped down off Serenth. The flight up had mostly dried him except the back of his shorts where he'd been sitting. "Serenth said you needed me."

"I do." D'cal closed the distance between them, reaching up to pull the greenrider's lips down to his. "I need you."

The bluerider felt so good to B'vin with his hands on his bare chest, his lips on his eager mouth. It always made him a little lightheaded when D'cal kissed him and this time was no different. If there was a small knot in his stomach, B'vin ignored it, focusing on D'cal and the way their bodies pressed together as he was led to his bed.

*************

The bluerider wrapped his arm around B'vin's middle and settled comfortably behind him, his lips so close to the greenrider's ear he could feel the warmth of his breath. D'cal felt so relaxed, so comfortable as he curled up with his friend.

B'vin squeezed his eyes shut, trying to find the courage to say what he knew now he needed to say. It felt so good to have D'cal hold him, he felt so safe with the bluerider; but he couldn't keep allowing himself this half happiness. "I can't do this anymore."

"Hmmmm?" D'cal hummed, his mind fuzzy with satisfaction and exhaustion.

"I can't be the one you come to anymore after a flight." For some reason, once he said it, it was easier to continue. Like a weight had been lifted he hadn't known had been crushing him. "Not if it's the only time you'll come to me."

One of the bluerider's eyes peeked open as he tried to wake up enough to follow. "What do you mean?"

B'vin pulled away and sat up, unable to turn and look at D'cal. "I mean what I just said. If you won't come to me except after a flight then I don't want you coming here at all."

The sudden movement got D'cal's attention. "B'vin, what is this all about?"

"It's about you and me." Shards, how many times did he have to say it! "You use me and then toss me aside, and I know I've put up with it, but I don't want to be treated like this anymore."

The bluerider sat up and looked him straight in the eye. "What are you talking about? When have I ever _tossed_ you aside? You're my best friend!"

"You're so delusional." B'vin shook his head, feeling like he was talking to a wall. "Best friends don't treat each other like this. You want to have sex with me when you're all hot from a flight, but you don't want to have sex with me any other time. It's like you're ashamed of me, like you want to use the flights as an excuse for being with me."

"I'm not ashamed of you. I don't sleep with _any_ men outside of Flights. It's just... not something I do." D'cal liked both women and men, and when it came to company for the evening he like women. For some reason he felt much more drawn to men when incredible lust took hold of him. He thought B'vin understood that.

"You don't do it because it's wrong." B'vin knew that was why. It was the same reason he hated who he was. He'd tried to pretend that it wasn't wrong when he was with D'cal because he cared about him, but it was hard to pretend when D'cal thought the same thing.

"No, I don't do it because I like women too. You know that." And he had never complained before. "I thought you liked that I came to you."

B'vin sighed, unsure if he should continue, but feeling compelled to. "I do like it. I just wish you'd come to me without the excuse. I wish I could come to _you_ without knowing that you'd turn me away."

"You don't always have to wait for me, B'vin. You can find someone of your own, you know." After all, even while he had been with Dyaera, he'd still come to the greenrider for comfort after a Flight.

B'vin shook his head, he just wasn't _getting_ it. "I want to be able to find _you_. I want to be able to come to you when I need to be with someone, not just be able to have you when _you_ need me."

The blueriders eyes narrowed slightly. If he didn't know better... "What exactly are you saying, B'vin?"

He'd said it, ten different ways he'd said it. D'cal just didn't want to _hear_; and that was the problem. D'cal couldn't understand what he didn't feel so there was no point saying it anymore. "I'm saying that you need to leave, that I don't want you coming here after a flight anymore."

"Shards, you are acting like your green's prody or something," D'cal growled, though he threw his legs over the side of the bed and started looking for his trousers. B'vin was just in one of his self-loathing moods again, he was sure. Sometimes he could be pretty hard to deal with when he got that way. It was better just to let it go before they both said something they couldn't take back.

"No I'm not, I'm being serious." D'cal should know his green's not proddy. He'd been there when Serenth rose, and once again he hadn't won. It wouldn't be the first time that B'vin wondered if D'cal even wanted to win his flights. "The next time you feel the need to lower your standards enough to show up at my door, I won't answer it."

"Oh for Faranth's sake. I don't lower my standards to come here. I come here because I feel comfortable with you. But if you don't feel comfortable with me, fine. I won't come. I never forced myself on you." D'cal pulled up his trousers and decided he wasn't even going to bother with his shirt.

B'vin wanted to stop him as he walked out, if he'd stopped him, maybe they could have just acted like he hadn't said anything. But he hadn't stopped him, and now B'vin was alone. He'd given D'cal a chance, a choice. All he'd had to do was say that he could come to him. If D'cal had told him that he could come to him he would have been content with that, happy even. But he hadn't.

Last updated on the March 13th 2009

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You Can't Understand What You Don't Feel