Painful Realizations

Writers: Dana
Date Posted: 14th August 2007

Characters: Traelyn
Description: Traelyn comes to a painful realization about herself and the situation she faces.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 5, day 7 of Turn 4

When Traelyn awoke she was dimly aware of B'ram's body pressing up against her back, legs tangled with hers, one foot hooked around her ankle in intimate familiarity. It had become habit for them to lay like this after they loved, with his strong arm wrapped around her waist, her head tucked against his collarbone, his foot hooked around her ankle. If the humidity of Dolphin Cove became too much to bear during the night, they would just shove the light blankets off of their bodies instead of moving apart. B'ram was more than willing to shelter her from the chill that sometimes filtered into the weyr in the few candlemarks before dawn, and Traelyn was more than willing to let him. Ever since that one morning when she'd stopped him from slinking away with the fading shadows, B'ram had stayed with her as the sun came up. And even more so since she'd come back from Dragonsfall. Sometimes they would speak, and sometimes they would let the silence stretch. Some mornings were more comfortable than others, but Traelyn and B'ram knew how to distract one another if things became too uncomfortable.

A hand suddenly drifted down her stomach, and she realized that's what had brought her to this hazy place between wakefulness and slumber. He must have been caressing her like that for a while…his touch seemed to follow an idle pattern. Carefully she shifted very slightly against him-and his fingers stilled. He knew she was aware, if not completely awake. Not yet.

They lay in complete silence for a few moments, both unwilling to break the stillness of the weyr-or their comfortable silence. Or both. But she knew what he wanted. That caress wasn't as idle as she'd first thought. Oh no. That he still needed even after their passionate coming together a candlemark or so before told her a lot about his mood tonight. It was almost scary how easily she could understand what was going through his head by reading his body language. Of course, she couldn't always read him right, but tonight was certainly not one of those times.

His lips asked the lover's question she knew he'd ask as they pressed themselves gently against the back of her neck. Traelyn let her eyes flutter completely shut again as the tip of his tongue touched her skin before he kissed her there yet again. Shards, it felt good. Really good, actually. It made a soft tendril of desire curl through her…and that brought on the want to reciprocate his affections. But there was a part of her that wished that he would have drifted off to sleep earlier, like she had. That part of her that wanted to sleep-craved it, needed it, and not because she was tired (even though she was) but because she needed to escape. When she was asleep, she was safe in a misty place of refuge-a place where the traitorous, guilty whirlwind of her thoughts couldn't reach her. Thoughts of U'kaiah. Thoughts of B'ram. Thoughts of L'kub and the blundering mistakes she had made with him, and others, in the past…and how now she was making those same sharding mistakes with a man she truly cared about. Her best friend.

The guilt came roaring back to her, and she squeezed her eyes more tightly shut. Since she couldn't hide away from those feelings by sleeping, maybe she could drown them out with another round of loving.

Shame welled in her as B'ram's hand moved from her abdomen to her hip, thumb rubbing in slow circles as he continued to taste her neck. She was using him now-just like she used all of the men in her life. His other hand trailed from her long hair to trace a soft line down the curve of her cheek, fingertip hovering just over her mouth. He was waiting for a signal from her, she knew, to let him know that she wanted, too. And she did want, but not for the same reasons as he did.

Traelyn parted her lips, lightly nibbling on that fingertip in answer to his silent question. She felt his breath catch in his chest, his hold on her tighten. Maybe she had been right to stay away from U'kaiah for so long, even though another part of her snarled at her cowardice and raged against her stubborn pride, demanding her to go back to him before she lost him in every respect-as a friend, a confidant…a lover. But even if she did go back to him, what would it be like? Would they be able to try again? Regain what they had lost and build from there? Or had she blown it all to the Red Star? Silently she damned her rash impulses as she shifted to lay on her other side to face B'ram. His eyes gleamed in the darkness as her tongue danced over his finger before releasing it, but he didn't stop looking at her. Traelyn wasn't sure what he was looking for, and she wasn't sure if she wanted to find out. Carefully she pressed the length of her body to the length of his-almost a perfect fit. She was nearly as tall as he was, but he was leaner where she was slender. He was leaner than even U'kaiah, and not as broad in the shoulders or the waist. As his hands began to explore her body, her own reached up to bury themselves in his hair, wishing-not for the first time-that it was darker and curly instead of red and spiky.

Shards. She couldn't do this to herself. Her lips found B'ram's and she kissed him with fervor, wanting her lust for him to drown out everything else. It seemed that he was of like mind, for his enthusiasm was strong enough to rival hers. A snarl escaped her as his roaming fingers suddenly dug into her thigh, lifting it to cover his. Traelyn rolled over then, pushing him onto his back. Her long pale hair swung down over her shoulders, the blunt tips brushing against his chest, and she bared her teeth in a smile as she watched his skin quiver at the touch. B'ram must have read the expression on her face, for he made a sound low in his throat-it was almost a growl-and he grasped her hands in his, lifting them above his head, drawing her down across his body. She didn't fight his tight hold on her, just like he didn't fight her when she tilted her head back to look down into his eyes. They had used to fight one another-sex had once been a battle of wills. But that had been months ago. Now when they had sex, they were making love. And when she was in his arms, she wasn't afraid of what she felt-or of him, because he knew her better than any man. Better than L'kub had. Better than even U'kaiah did. B'ram knew all of her; her vulnerable side, her angry side, her tender side…her darker side. And he didn't punish her for who she was anymore-he had accepted her, and she him. Maybe that was why she had run from U'kaiah. B'ram accepted her. But would U'kaiah? If he knew all of her, would he still love her? She didn't know, and a part of her was too cowardly-too scared-to find out.

Traelyn lowered her lashes, bringing her lips back down to his as their hips shifted. His fingers tightened on her waist, and she closed her eyes. Now she was using B'ram as a buffer-taking advantage of what they shared and sharding hiding away from her confusion and guilt. And despite the fact that B'ram knew her so well, and that she knew him so well, their relationship was still twisted. It was still based on an extreme addiction to pleasure. They used one another to feel good. They made love to experience that special something he'd had with Atreyn, and that she'd had with L'kub. Fitting, she thought bitterly as he rolled above her, that I'd feel most comfortable in a relationship based on us using each other. But she knew what to expect from him. The predictability about it was part of the attraction….part of the reason why she kept on coming back to him-and maybe another reason why she'd run from U'kaiah.

Moaning softly in frustration, she wrapped her arms tightly around B'ram's waist. Her relationship with U'kaiah…shards, it wouldn't be predictable. And it wouldn't be anything like her relationship with B'ram. She'd be opening herself up to be hurt again because she cared for him. Even after the way she had treated him and fled, she still cared for him. Deeply. She wouldn't be able to hide behind the mask of emotional distance she wore so easily around the other men in her life because she and U'kaiah were friends first, lovers second. She'd be unprotected, vulnerable in ways she hadn't been since her girlhood. But would it be worth it? She had thought so, once. A part of her wanted to believe it again…wanted to be brave enough to trust him so completely.

And there had been times at Dragonsfall when she had let down her guard enough to welcome him in without a second thought. Shards, the emotions she'd felt…it had been so long. She never thought she would feel them so strongly again with another man. Those memories of them being together and emotions she'd felt flashed behind her closed eyes, passionate moments coupled with tender ones; the heat that had rushed through her, so new and intoxicating, when he'd threaded his fingers through her pale hair, kissing her long and deep; the warmth that had spread slowly through her when he'd wrapped her in a soft blanket, bringing her back to rest against his chest, sleepily nuzzling her-a warmth that had nothing to do with sex and everything to do with simple tenderness. It had been something L'kub would have done. Not B'ram. Not anyone else.

Swallowing thickly, Traelyn tried to ignore the burning ache in her eyes as B'ram lowered his face to the side of her neck. Shards, she could remember the way U'kaiah felt, the way he tasted. She could remember the look in his eyes when he'd teased her, smiled at her, leaned in to kiss her. But she could also remember the look on his face when she'd run from him-the anger, the betrayal, the pain. It seared her memory like a brand to a heardbeast's side. She could remember everything, no matter how much she wished she could forget it all. Even as she lay in B'ram's arms, making love to him, she couldn't forget.

Traelyn squeezed her eyes shut, very aware of the hot wetness that scored down her cheeks as she gave in to B'ram and their release. Her hand slid up the back of the brownrider's neck, fingertips burying themselves in his spiky hair, holding his head there as, together, they rode out the waves of pleasure. And as she felt his arms tighten around her, head lowering to rest gently against her chest, she knew that she couldn't give him up. She needed B'ram…even though it was U'kaiah she wanted to make her whole.

Last updated on the October 5th 2008

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Painful Realizations