Things Will Be Okay

Writers: AL, Clancey
Date Posted: 19th September 2008

Characters: J'darin, Zelle
Description: Zelle comes to see J'darin with her own broken heart, but finds J'darin's instead.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 11, day 20 of Turn 4

J'darin

Zelle ignored the looks that the healer's gave her as she traversed her way through the infirmary. She didn't stop until she had come to the area where J'darin had been sequestered away and she plopped down upon a chair. Her face was contorted, features twisting together as if she were trying to hold back tears. She wouldn't cry again. Shardit, why was she wanting to cry so much all of a sudden? She wasn't a crier. Maybe she was becoming one.

J'darin was off in his own mind, using something the Healers had given him to strengthen his right arm.

Surprised by Zelle's appearance, and further the fact that she seemed to be upset, he peered at her in shock a moment.

"Zelle? Zelle, what is the matter?" She was not usually easily upset, so he thought it must be something quite drastic.

"Just me being stupid." The greenrider did her best to force a smile, but it was the barest bones of ones. "And immature. Stupid and immature, that's me. I guess I can see why he doesn't really care."

J'darin didn't quite follow the last bit and frowned at her in confusion. "Calm down a bit, Zelle. He doesn't really care? Who, lass? And I would never call you stupid. Annoying, yes. But in quite a lovable way."

"K'hetah." Zelle lowered her gaze. One man didn't care and one was taken. Some luck she had. "I told you he wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole."

The eyebrow arched again. "He doesn't know what he's missing, hmm?" He said quietly to her, then patted the bed next to him. Faranth knew he could use some distraction. Even as he thought again of losing the Weyrleadership, his fists clenched in anger. Anger enough to make Hasaarth bugle from outside.

Zelle hesitated, then slowly moved over to sit on the side of the bed, legs hanging and she sighed. "I'm sorry J'darin. I shouldn't have bothered you. And K'hetah...I shouldn't let him bother me. I just...I thought he trusted me, but he doesn't. He says he does and he doesn't. Shaffit, I hate her for what she did!" Zelle slapped her hands against her knees, face tight in a mixture of anger and hurt.

Lost again, J'darin tried hard to focus on what Zelle was saying. Now there was a she. He was quiet a moment, thinking. "Do you mean to say he was hurt by another woman and because of that, he is reluctant to enter into a relationship with you? Does he know how you feel?"

"Yes and yes." Zelle reached up and rubbed her eyes. "And now he keeps everyone at arms distance, even me. And I...I spoke up for him but I guess that doesn't count for much. I am an idiot, truly and completely."

"You are not an idiot, Zelle. He is. He should respond to you as you, not as a reflection of his past." He paused a moment, looking at her. "Maybe its time to move on?"

"Yes, I suppose so." Zelle cast a small, sad smile down at the Weyrleader. "I don't know if I can _not_ love him but...I guess I'll just have to pound it in my head that I can't be anything more than a friend." Funny how that seemed to work. Funny how that seemed to happen in more than one situation. Funny how it seemed that Zelle, who had always had someone interested in her, was now caught between two men with nowhere to go. Funny how she hadn't realised before. It didn't make things any easier. At least she had their friendship.
That was better than nothing.

He was unclear what the sadness meant, and of course, had not idea of the young greenrider's feelings for him, but he knew he liked her and did not like to see her sad. "Sometimes that's your only choice." His gaze unfocused as he thought of Traelyn. Now he wouldn't even be her Weyrleader. Would they stay friends?

His eyes darkened with unshed tears as he fought back the anger and frustration.

It was silent for a time, and he finally won out over his emotions. The pain was ripping him from the inside, out. "Sometimes you have to be patient with them, and they will eventually see you for what you are - a lovely, engaging woman who deserves love." He could not keep the sadness from his voice, though he kept it from his eyes. "The best loves sometimes grow from friendship, hmm?"

"Yes, it does." That was where it had started, after all, with both of them. Friendship. Friendship had blossomed into something more. But with each of them, it didn't matter. She was stuck between a rock and a hard place. One didn't want her and the other didn't think of her in that manner, and he had a lover. So it didn't matter. But friendship - well, she valued that far too much to compromise it.

Zelle reached out to cover J'darin's hand. She had been so distracted with her own worries that it had taken her that time of silence to realise that he was battling an emotional war of his own. "What's wrong?" She asked softly, eyes searching his.

Well, he didn't precisely -not- see her in that manner. But he was battling his own thoughts daily. He loved Maurgen still, but found his thoughts wandering to Zelle more and more often. He was an absolute sharding -cad- of a bronzerider, after all.

But he felt almost like he wasn't even -that- any more.

Hasaarth answered that thought with a loud bugle that shook the air and caused J'darin to close his eyes a moment.

}:You are MY rider! nothing will change that, nothing! You are mine and I am yours. Stop this at once!:{ Shuddering with the fresh onslaught, he struggled to answer Zelle. She was hurting, needing him. But he was a shell of a man, not worthy to help her.

"Its nothing. Let me hold you a bit, though, hmm? Perhaps that will chase K'hetah away." Every word was ripped from him raggedly, leaving behind gaping holes.

Zelle hesitated, surprise upon her face. What was he saying? "J'darin..." She trailed off, not quite sure what to say, what to ask. Gingerly, she reached out, touching his shoulder as if she were afraid he might brush her off.

He used his left hand to pull her closer, letting her curl up next to him on the bed. His left arm had to tuck her in close - he had a large bed, but it -was- the infirmary - and he tried to remember to breathe. Maybe Zelle would heal the holes in his heart.

Zelle didn't protest, didn't say a word as she settled in his embrace. He had taken her by surprise, but she wasn't going to deny him. She tilted her head back, eyes searching his face, his own gaze. Something was wrong. He wasn't doing this just to comfort her, but himself. "What's wrong?" She asked again, not willing to take the denial he had given earlier to heart.

His right side was pretty much useless, but getting better. He settled quietly next to her for some time before speaking again.

"Nyith is Rising in a few days... and we... we aren't .. we -can't- chase her...." His voice broke, and tears finally came. He had not cried, not once. But now, he did. Zelle wasn't the only one turning into someone who weeped at the drop of a hat.

Zelle encircled him and held him close. She didn't say another word, but clung to him as tightly as he did to her. She turned her face to kiss him upon his cheek, his tears salting her lips.

The tears stopped. He regained control himself, unwilling to drag anyone else into his self-imposed exile. "There is nothing, now." His eyes, had she looked at them, would have startled her. They were dead again. Like with Traelyn. Dead. No feeling. For a time, when Zelle had spoken, it had seemed like the dead places might live again. But no. It had gone already.

The only part of him that was feeling anything was the part Hasaarth owned. That part, luckily, he could not reach, could not alter.

The bronze keened outside, loudly and long. His rider couldn't hear him, though, through the haze of ..nothing.

"J'darin..." Zelle's lips turned downward in a frown and her heart twisted. Something had happened. It was obvious that he was going to lose the Weyrleadership since neither he nor his dragon were in any state to be able to fly the queen. But that didn't mean he should be retreating which was, Zelle realised, what he was doing. She reached up, but instead of the gentle touch that had marked her caresses before, she hit him across the cheek with a resounding slap. "Snap out of it!"

He was startled more than hurt, but it was enough to make him swear loud and long. "You sharding woman! Why'd you hit me?!"

"Because I saw the expression on your face." Zelle shifted, sitting up and looking down upon the bronzerider. One long, slender finger jabbed him in the chest. "I don't ever want to see that look on your face. I don't ever want you to retreat in yourself. Don't you dare say that there is nothing. There is Maurgen, there is Hasaarth, and shaffit, J'darin there is me - as much of a pain in your ass I seem to be. So Nyith is going to rise in a few days and you and Hasaarth are out of the picture. That doesn't mean you always will be." She scrambled off the bed and tugged at his arm. "We're going to get you back to new and the next time she rises, you're going to be back on top, you hear?"

"What do you care Zelle? If I want to retreat into myself, I can! No one understands! No one _could_ understand. I will always have Hasaarth, but he doesn't understand either." He struggled to control his voice; he was yelling now. "And Maurgen hasn't been to see me much. You ARE a sharding pain in the ass and I'm going to hit you back if I ever get out of here." The anger was the most life he'd had since Traelyn had told him the truth, but his eyes were still .. dead.

"Shaffit, J'darin!" Zelle continued to tug at him as if encouraging him to stand, to start hobbling down the road of recovery. "I _do_ care. I care a lot you sharding wherry! A lot more than you will ever know. But I guess you just don't care about anyone but yourself. We can't understand if you don't tell us, if you don't talk to us. No, you're so wrapped up in how things affect you that you don't see that they affect us too. When you hurt we hurt! And we hate to watch you hurt." She kicked the bed in her frustration, causing it to tremble beneath the bronzerider. "I've already got one man I love holding me at arms length and now you too!?"

J'darin stared at her. What had she said? What did she _mean_? "You have no idea how I feel! If I want to hurt, I will!" He yelled at her some more, trying to find some feeling, some sort of something. "I can't even get of bed without every Healer in the place yelling at me, and now you want to yell at me too?" He managed to sit up with her tugging, but it was clearly only so he could yell at her easier.

"I'm not holding you at arm's length, you idiot greenrider! I'm don't know WHAT I'm doing! My entire life just changed and I don't know _how_ to deal with it! For the first time ever in my life I don't what to do NOW!"

"What you do is take the time to heal." Zelle stood her ground, not about to let the bronzerider yell her out of the infirmary. "You heal, you get better. That's what you do _now_. Worry about tomorrow later."

"Easy for you to say." He glared at her some more, but his voice had lost the brief heat of anger. The cold was seeping in again. Sharding stupid Thread! "You're lucky I won't be Weyrleader anymore or I'd have a thing or two to say about your attitude." He grumped, but it was the flash of the old J'darin in the tone of voice, even if it was faint.

"Then you have something to look forward to." Zelle continued to jab his chest with her finger. "Getting back to weyrleadership so that you can drive me crazy and make my life miserable." Her expression softened then and her hand groped for his. "Truly J'darin, I am sorry. I wish I could take your problems away and I'm sorry for bringing my own to you. I wish..." She wished a lot of things. The greenrider drew close to the bronzerider once more, crouching down and clasping his hand between hers. "Things will change, but they _will_
be okay. They will. I promise they will."

He found he had no words to speak. He was empty of so much... so much thought, so much emotion. There was only Hasaarth.. and Zelle. He pulled her closer, holding on tightly. "Maybe... maybe...." That was all.

Last updated on the September 20th 2008

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Things Will Be Okay