Death Doesn't Become Her

Writers: AL, Clancey
Date Posted: 19th May 2008

Characters: J'darin, Zelle
Description: J'darin finds Zelle and also helps to comfort her in her loss.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 10, day 8 of Turn 4
Notes: Takes place after "Death In The Family".

J'darin

The green lifted her head as a bronze flew over. She watched him as he flew past the lake and landed in the weyrbowl, then let her head settle back down upon her foreleg. Zelle was sitting on a boulder that jutted out from the sand, gazing out upon the sea. It rocked back and forth and came in and out, waves gently pawing at the sand, two lovers in constant motion. She found some strange sort of comfort in its movement, both monotonous and ever changing. Rillith lay down close to her, but she remained silent as Zelle continued in her pensive state.

Hasaarth landed gently in the bowl, depositing J'darin.

The bronze had intended on going for a swim, but he turned his head back over his shoulder for a moment.

}:The green who brings the messages is here.:{ J'darin blinked in surprise. He and Hasaarth had been out on a sweep, getting a feel for a new area that was being developed.

**Go for your swim, I'll go see if there are more messages. I'll be back to scrub you after, okay?**

Watching the bronze splash off, he smiled, and turned to go back to where Zelle was sitting, or at least he thought it was her. It was odd that she wasn't off in K'hetah's weyr, but perhaps she enjoyed the view. He knew he did.

He walked across the bowl to where she sat on the boulder, and smiled at her. "Zelle? You just can't stay away, can you?"

The voice had become familiar to her with all the ferrying back and forth she had been doing as of late. Despite his greeting, Zelle didn't look at him, didn't tear her eyes away from the sea. She was afraid if she started looking at someone else, she would start crying again. So instead she looked at the water and said softly, no hint of humour or sarcasm rippling through her voice. "Hello Weyrleader J'darin."

The smile faded and his eyebrow arched in the way he had when he was curious. Normally he wanted to call her down for inpertinence, but this was not the same Zelle that treated Weyrleaders with the same casualness she probably treated wingmates. He pulled up a patch of rock next to her and turned his face toward the sea. "It is a beautiful view, isn't it?"

"Yes. Very." Oh how she missed the sea. Her home weyr was settled in the mountains, no sea in sight. Dolphin Cove appealed to her for that very reason if nothing else. Home. She didn't want to think about home. It wasn't really home anymore, was it? At least, it wasn't the same, not without L'den. He would no longer be there to tease her, or to comfort her. He wouldn't be there to greet her when she returned. Zelle closed her eyes, trying not to think about it.
She was going to start bawling like a baby if she did.

He turned away from the sea to look at her. She was holding her eyes shut as if to block the sight of something terrible. She looked...
vulnerable. Our good Weyrleader was nothing if not a protector.
His voice was soft, nudging. "Zelle, Zelle, lass, whats the matter?
You don't usually come here without messages to deliver.."

"I didn't know where else to go." She said softly, opening her eyes again, this time to look at him. "My brother is dead. He got hit..."
Her throat tightened again and more tears stung her eyes once more.
"By thread yesterday. He died this morning." The greenrider drew her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, looking once more at the sea and fighting a losing battle with the moisture in her eyes.

It was impossible for J'darin _not_ to respond to a woman in need.
His arm slid around her shoulders and pulled her close to his side, sheltering and protecting her as tears threatened to come.

"It hurts alot, you know. When I send them to fight, and they don't come back. It twists your heart to pieces." Sadness welled up from the carefully locked part of him that few had ever seen.

Hasaarth bugled from the weyrlake, craning his head in the direction of his rider. His dragon saw the pain, though he did not understand it.

After a moment, J'darin went on quietly, still holding her close to his side. "Hasaarth is right, though. Dragons were made to fly against Thread. Your brother died saving other people; people who can't protect themselves." He paused, looking back to the sea.
Weather and Thread - the sea and the sky - both were threats he'd faced.

And would face again. And again.

"I'm sorry that he died, lass. I can't make the hurt go away; it will likely always hurt. Shards, I wish I could flame that pain the way that Hasaarth flames Thread. But we are not dragons - only dragonriders."

"Shaffit." What was it about the touch of someone who was trying to comfort? As she had done in K'hetah's arms, so she did in J'darin's.
Tears came, the sobs returned, and another man's shirt got streaked with the salty liquid. L'den hadn't been the first person she had lost, but he had been the first she had lost to thread, and he had been the last of her family besides herself. They had been close, friends as well as siblings. Now he was gone, and she hated the thought of going back to her home weyr, knowing he wouldn't be there.
"It's not fair." Her voice rippled unsteadily through the tears.
There was nothing to be done about it. She couldn't go back and change things. What was done was done, but the pain was so sharp and so fresh and it had cut open scars that had been made when her parents had gone.

"I'm sorry." She said after a moment when she was able to gain a little more control. She reached up to wipe at her tears, but didn't pull away. It was nice to have friends. Granted, she had friendly acqaintances at her home, but K'hetah had been the one she had been closest to. J'darin seemed like someone she could count as a friend as well, and that thought in itself was something of a comfort, however small.

"Its alright, Zelle. I've other shirts." He kept his arm loosely about her, considering the right words to say.

He let the silence settle comfortably, waiting as it began to fill with other noises. Dragons bugling or crooning to each other, riders splashing, and even some weyrbrats playing an enthusiastic game of waterball.
The sounds of a Weyr. A fighting Weyr.

Finally, he said, "No, it isn't fair. Our families should be safe -
we should make them safe. There isn't any way to make it fair or understand; its Thread. Its mindless. It doesn't mean to hurt us, but it certainly does. But we're dragonriders - we're trained to beat Thread. In any form - even the form of taking loved ones from us.
Take comfort in knowing you will beat it eventually, and in the meantime, you have friends to help, no?"

"Yes." That brought a small smile to Zelle, for she had been thinking similiar thoughts. She tilted her head, cheek still pressed against his shurt, her green blue eyes meeting the brighter blue of his. "I would count you among them, if I may."

He tightend his hold on her, resisting strongly the urge to kiss the top of her head the way he did with Traelyn or Dyaera or his younger sister. He was silent a moment, caught offguard by the openness of her question. And by the truth of the answer. He smiled down at her; she reminded him even more strongly of Dyaera suddenly. That greenrider could always make him see the truth about himself without even trying.

"If you do, you would be one of very few, Zelle. No one wants to be friends with the grouchy Weyrleader; he's too ... Weyrleader-ish.
Perhaps you'd just rather be friends with J'darin, and not the Weyrleader?" He smiled again. "But I could always use a greenrider to deliver messages and keep my bronzerider arrogance in check."

Zelle lifted a hand and wiped at her eyes. "When I'm friends with someone, I'm friends with all of them, when they wear their title and when they don't." She went silent for a moment, then sat up, breaking the embrace, loath as she was to do it. Her throat tightened again and having K'hetah and J'darin holding her, trying to comfort her, it made it so much harder to stop. "Thanks J'darin. You and K'hetah have been a great comfort to me today." It didn't make everything better, but it helped bear the sadness, knowing she wasn't alone.

"You're welcome, lass. I find comfort in helping others deal with the pain of loss. Sometimes, it makes it easier when Dolphin Cove dragons keen for one of our own. I'm glad you want to be my friend; I don't have so very many that I would turn away even one." Now he did kiss his fingers and touch her nose with them, grinning. "Come on, let's find K'hetah and have some fun. You deserve it, and Faranth knows _I_
do."

Zelle shook her head. "He's at drills. He was already late because of me, but thanks." She smiled, the expression tight, then turned her gaze to the water that edged in and out. "I have leave today. If it's okay, I'd like to spend it here - by the sea."

J'darin nodded to that; he had known K'hetah was drilling since his Wing was not currently. He rose to his feet then, sensing that even in their newly agreed friendship, she wanted to be alone. "You may stay here as long as you like, though your Weyrleader may soon accuse me of stealing his riders." The smile was faint, but there. "I've always found Dolphin Cove soothing and soon the dolphins will come to play. Enjoy that or walk down to Dolphin Hall and visit them in person."

He paused to look out again at the waves, so clearly defining what a dragonriders life might be like - rolling in and out with a constant tug (duty) that never changes - and smiled.

"I will see you later; I am going to scrub my large bronze showoff over there. Have Rillith send to Hasaarth if you need anything ..
while K'hetah is at drills anyway."

"Thanks J'darin, I will." Zelle just wanted to think, for a bit anyway. Perhaps maybe process the immense change in her life. It wasn't the first, it wouldn't be the last, but that didn't mean she had to like it.

Feeling a bit abruptly dismissed after feeling rather close to her in her tears, the bronzerider shook his head at his own foolishness.
Maurgen, who was growing into her place at his side, would have told him how silly he was acting. Dyaera would have thrown something at his head. Women! He would never understand.

With a last gentle touch to her shoulder, he nodded without speaking again and went off to where Hasaarth was trying to show off for two greens. She would be a long time healing, he knew. All too well, he knew that pain. Almost it seemed it never _really_ healed.

Zelle watched him as he went, then looked back to the sea. After a moment, she slid off the bolder and stripped of her clothes and boots.
She headed towards the water at a walk, then at a run, the coolness of it hitting her with a sharp awakening. She waded until she could no longer touch the bottom, then swam with long, sure strokes. The water caressed her much like that of a lover. The tears returned, but this time, they mingled with the saltiness of the sea, and no one would ever know of their existence.

Last updated on the June 1st 2008

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Death Doesn't Become Her