You Will Go On

Writers: Eimi, Paula
Date Posted: 2nd May 2008

Characters: Benaroy, Zelanka
Description: Zela talks to Benaroy
Location: Amber Hills Hold
Date: month 9, day 22 of Turn 4
Notes: Follows "You Must Talk to Him"

Benaroy sat as his desk trying to read the hide in front of him. He felt as though he were reading the same line over and over. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't really concentrate on it. Every ache, twitch and twinge was suddenly suspect. It was only a matter of time...
He knew that. He had known that for the past two turns. Part of him had felt as if these turns had been nothing less than borrowed time.
The question was, when was time finally going to run out?

Was it today? Tomorrow? Two more turns from now? It was just so exhausting to just... wait... Wait for the inevitable. Was he going to have some warning? Or was it just going to come on as suddenly as that attack had that morning. It wasn't his first mini-stroke. He had several over the past two turns. But this was the first time someone other than Zela had witnessed it. It was the first time a healer had been called. And it was the first time a healer actually said the words that Benaroy had secretly known deep down, but never allowed himself to dwell on - "Next time could be the one that ends it..."

The next time could kill him. Or it might not. That was the problem.
Each time was a gamble, and Benaroy knew the odds were increasingly against him. His luck was going to run out one of these days. It would just come up on him and take him by surprise. Benaroy hated surprises.
He hated situations in which he had absolutely no control. That was what bothered him the most about all this - he could take their medication, he could eat a healthy diet, he could sleep all night, relax all day, pass all this work onto a younger, healthier man... But in the end, what good would come of it? He would still die. He was just prolonging the inevitable.

And for what? Exactly what was he prolonging it for?

Zelanka entered with the customary dinner-tray. She sometimes felt the thing had grown attached to her hands. After her talk with Shadux, she was on thoughtful, pensive mood. "Good afternoon, My lord," her greeting lacked it's customary cheerfullness.

Benaroy could detect the difference right away. "What did they tell you?"

"That you had another mini-stroke," she replied lowering the tray to the table.

"And here I thought Shadux would be so descrete," he said with a sigh, setting his hidework aside. It really didn't come as a surprise that the boy had told her. Telling Zela of all people could not really be considered an indescretion.

"He was worried, scared actually," Zelanka said. "You know he's like a son to me."

Benaroy nodded, understanding her perfectly. "He was always like one of my own too. Not a _son_ perhaps, but like one of my grandsons." Shadux and his family had always stood by the side of the Amber Hill Lord Holders. "He will be a great man one day, inability to keep a secret from you aside."

Zela smiled. She thought how to best approach the subject, then decided to be straightforward. "He wanted me to talk to you."

This sounded ominous. "Oh? Does he want you to berate me for trying to keep this morning's incedent quiet?"

"No. He wants you to name a heir. He seems to think I had some influence over you," she said. There, now, it was out and open.

Benaroy noticed that Zela seemed to be remaining purposefully neutral on the subject. They had never spoken of this before. "And so just to appease him you are passing that information on to me? Is that your intention in bringing this to my attention?"

She looked out of the window behind him. "I want you to know what people think. Shadux isn't the only one. They putting the pressure on _me_ because they don't dare to talk to you directly," she said and turned to meet his gaze directly.

"And the pressure it getting too strong for you so you have decided to finally say something?" he asked innocently. It seemed she was not exactly being direct herself. He wished she would just come out and say it.

"Yes," she said shortly.

He shrugged as he reached for his cup of tea. "Ah, well then, I'm glad you've gotten that off your chest."

"They are just waiting for you to die! They want you to choose heir and think I can make you name a one. But it's none of my business. I'm a headwoman! I assign drudges, make sure the stores are full and people have food, clean clothes and clean rooms. I do not meddle with hold politics nor do I have any wish to do so," she blurted out suddenly and with some heat. She didn't want him to think that she used their personal relationship to further someone's aim. She wanted to stay outside this, but she couldn't. Not when Shadux pleaded like that.

"No, you don't," he agreed. "And for that I have always been grateful to you. But I do wish you wouldn't tell me what they all want, and tell me what it is _you_ want, Zela. What would you have me do?"

"I? I want to keep going like this forever, I don't want anything to change," it was silly and impossible wish and she knew it.

His heart went out to her. She had to know that hers was the only opinion Benaroy really wanted, that she was the only person on Pern he would do anything to please. He was sure that was why she did and said nothing - to protect him from himself. But she was also the only one that he could trust. What a burden this was for her to bear alone. "I can't live forever, Zela," he responded softly. "Nor do I want to."

"I know that. I'm just a silly woman, and I don't bear to think what happens after..." she had tears in her eyes now.

"I have never found you to be silly, my love," Benaroy said gently as he stood from his chair. He reached out to her, wrapping her up in his arms. It was hard to remember when the last time had been that he held her like this, but it felt so natural, so right, he wanted to cry too.
"When I am gone, you will go on as you always have until it is your turn to follow."

Last updated on the May 5th 2008

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You Will Go On