Sick and Twisted
Dragonsfall Weyr
Amber Hills Hold
Vintner Hall
Healer Hall
Hidden Meadows
Dolphin Cove Weyr
Dolphin Hall
Emerald Falls Hold
Harper Hall
Printer Hall
Green Valley Hold
Leeward Lagoon Hold
Barrier Lake Weyr
Sunstone Seahold
Citrus Bay Hold
Writers: Eimi
Date Posted: 7th February 2007
Characters: B'ram
Description: B'ram is left alone with his thoughts after Traelyn leaves
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 2, day 4 of Turn 4
Notes: Follows "Normalcy"
B'ram watched silently as Trae slipped out of the room. **And there she goes... slinking off back into the night... trying to pretend none of this ever happened.** Shards, sometimes he wished he could forget so easily. Turning on his side he faced the empty space she had occupied just a moment ago. He knew if he just reached out to touch it, the spot would still be warm. The urge was there, but he suppressed it. Just as he suppressed the urge to grab her pillow and bury his nose in it, to breathe her in a little longer. Just as he suppressed the urge to ask her not to go. There was something so pathetic in it.
He wondered if she was thinking about him now like he thought about her.
He wondered if she counted the days like he did. He wondered if she needed to come here just as much as he needed her to come. "You're a sick, twisted bastard," B'ram whispered into the dim hollow of a room. Hollow. Like a rotten log. Like a carved out gourd. Like he felt right now. Just... hollow. The brownrider rolled over onto his back and reached out silently to his dragon. }:Yes, I"m still with you. I'm always with you,:{ Girifith murmured back. }:Talk to me, B'ram.:{
**I can't,** his rider replied, his own inner voice almost echoing in his ears. **If I talk to you about it, then it will be real.**
}:But it is real, B'ram. She came. You liked that she came. You felt good when she was here. You just miss her now.:{ B'ram snorted into the dark. **I don't miss her. I don't even like her.**
}:Not her. The _other_ one. You miss _her_.:{ Shards it was so annoying that his dragon knew his thoughts better than his own. The other one. The only one. The one so much like Trae, and yet not. The one that he could touch and it actually meant something. He knew exactly which 'her' Girifith meant. "Atreyn," he whispered. And that name, just the sound of that name, was powerful enough to fill that void. It evoked so many pictures in his mind, so many feelings and memories that suddenly there was no empty space. But just as her name faded into the cool night air, caught on some unseen draft and was carried away from him, so her image and those memories drifted into darkness. Trae would be back. Atreyn was just gone.
}:You always think about her when Traelyn leaves.:{ Of course he did. It was the only reason B'ram let her come in the first place. **Sick, Twisted, son of a wherry, B'ram. That's what you are.**
}:Stop it, B'ram. There's nothing wrong with feeling good. It's better than feeling bad.:{
**Not when feeling so good makes you feel this bad afterwards.**
It was Girifith's turn to snort. }:Feeling good should just feel good. It shouldn't make you feel bad. Your thinking about _her_ makes you feel bad.:{
**But my thinking about her is what makes it feel good, too.** There, he'd said it. The most honest moment he had allowed himself all night. There were moments when Trae was just Trae. When he was running his fingers and lips over her body, when she touched him in ways her sister had never done, when she cuddled up next to him and kissed him silently in the dark, then she was Trae. But when she moaned his name and dug her fingers into his skin... when she wanted his body and when she needed his touch... then she was Atreyn. The Atreyn he wanted to remember.
**You _sick_... _twisted_... piece of wherry filth...** He crossed his arms over his face, wishing he could just sink into the bed, through the floor, down into the cold stone, and just hide there forever. But his shame would follow him there. The shame for what he did to Trae. The shame for still wanting Atreyn to be sleeping by his side.
**This has to stop, Girifith. I can't do this anymore.** But even as he said it, he could feel the words weighed down with the lies behind them. Oh no, he didn't want it to stop. He loved it. He wallowed in it. He wallowed in the pleasure as well as the pain. Those blissful moments when she was with him... Shards he felt so alive again! And somehow that made up for the emptiness he felt now. Because he knew...
Because he _knew_ Trae would be back. And when she was back, Atreyn was back. And that made all the emptiness and shame worth it.
Last updated on the February 9th 2007