Gone But Not Forgotten

Writers: Bree, Eimi
Date Posted: 8th December 2006

Characters: Shalai, Renner
Description: A peaceful afternoon together turns bad when Shalai receives word from home.
Location: Elsewhere on Pern
Date: month 1, day 8 of Turn 4

Shalai studied the puzzle pieces laid out before her on the table, her fingers brushing over each one lightly as she memorized the colors and tried to picture the finished design in her head. She'd always had a knack for that sort of thing, which was why she loved it every time they brought in a new puzzle. After the first or second time, they just weren't challenging anymore.

Without looking up, she picked up a piece from the middle of the table and handed it to the man sitting across from her. "This goes with the piece you have."

Renner looked at the piece incredulously as he took it from her. How could she tell? They were both the same color blue and relatively the same shape! He studied the pieces for a moment and realized what she had seen. Fitting them together he shook his head in disbelief. "You are frighteningly good at these, Shalai."

The corner of her mouth quirked up as she pushed some of her hair back behind her ear. "I have a very good imagination," she replied wryly, picking up another piece and setting it to the side. Renner snorted. That was an understatement. They had been pent up together long enough for Renner to have witnessed her 'imagination' first hand. "All right, then were does all the blue go? I can't figure out what the picture is supposed to be."

"Ocean," she replied absently, pushing a few more pieces toward him.
"And dragons. Two. Green and bronze." "What?" Renner asked, studying the pieces more carefully. "How can you..."

One of the younger assistants approached the table with a smile as Shalai fitted two pieces together. "Good afternoon Renner, Shalai... I see you found the new puzzle." The young woman set an official looking piece of paper on the table, the seal and quality of the paper making it obvious it came from someone important. "A rider dropped this off for you, Shalai. Do you want me to stay and help you--"

"No, thank you," Shalai said without looking up, one hand sliding out to grasp the letter and pull it into her lap.

"I'll help her," Renner assured her. He turned back to Shalai as the woman bustled off to check on the other patients in the common room. "Ok, I can see where you got the bronze, but how do you know that's a green and not... trees or algae or something?"

Shalai's eyes jerked to the left, staring at something just over Renner's shoulder for a few moments. Then her lips tightened and she looked back down at the pieces. "There's an eye. Here." She pointed to a piece that she'd set in the middle of the table at the beginning, while her other hand tightened around the letter she held in her lap.

"I guess that could be an eye," he conceded, eying her letter more than the piece. "Do you want to take a break?"

She slid the letter onto the table and smoothed it out. "Do you think I should look at it?" she asked, not looking up. Her voice had lost its pleasant wry tone from earlier and now seemed tense and nervous.

Renner shrugged noncommittally. "Well, it looks rather... official. Are you expecting something?"

"I don't know anyone," she said quietly, her fingers smoothing the creases out of the paper. After a moment she broke the seal and unfolded the paper, staring at it in silence.

He made a show of studying the pieces while she scanned the letter, though he knew the truth - she wasn't really reading it. She didn't know how. If he offered to help, it would just draw attention to the fact that she wasn't fooling anyone. A woman with her sanity in tatters had little pride left. He wasn't about to damage what little she had left.

The words were just marks on the page to her, meaning less than nothing.
She could look at the scattered pieces of a puzzle and see the finished picture so clearly, and yet no amount of effort could make letters turn into words, or words into sentences. After the silence had stretched out too long, she held the paper out to him with a shaking hand. Her voice was barely a whisper. "Help me read it?"

"All right," he nodded, taking the paper in hand. It was thick and heavy. Expensive and very official. "It's addressed to 'Shalai of Obsidian Cliff Hold' and it says 'We regret to inform you that...'" Renner stopped. **Shards...**

Shalai's fingers curled around the edge of the table. "No. No, no, no..." She wasn't even looking at Renner anymore, her eyes fixed on an empty spot of air. "You can't take me back, please, no..." "Take you back? No, no." Renner put out his hand pacifying. "No one is trying to take you back anywhere. It's your husband, Shalai. This is to tell you that your husband, Thian, died during the Turns End celebration. No one is trying to take you back."

With what looked like terrifying effort, Shalai focused on Renner's face. "Dead?" "Yes, Shalai, I'm sorry, but your husband is dead. He had a heart attack and the healers couldn't save him. I'm so very sorry." He held the letter out to her as if that was the proof that what he said was true.

Her eyes slid to the side again for a moment before snapping back to his face. "He's dead?" she asked again, her voice shaking. "What if it's a trick? What if he just wants me to think I'm safe?" Safe? "Look, it has a harper's seal and everything," Renner said, pointing to the imprinted wax seal. "It's true."

Shalai flinched back so hard she almost tipped her chair over, though it was hard to tell if she was trying to avoid the letter or something else. "You don't understand. He swore he'd kill me, and he always follows through. He always does..." Renner looked around for help but he couldn't catch any of the healer's eye. "No, not this time, Shalai. Truly, he's dead. He can't hurt you.
He can't find you."

She covered her eyes with her hands as a sob tore lose from her. "Then why is he always here?"

"Shalai, he's not here." He gently reached out to touch her shoulder. "It's just you and me, here."

His touch brought a ragged cry from her throat, and she lashed out at him before stumbling to her feet, knocking her chair over backwards.
"Stay away from me!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he raised his hands up to show her he meant no harm. "It's just me, Renner. I wasn't going to hurt you."

Shalai retreated to the corner of the room, pressing her back against it and sinking to the floor until she could wrap her arms around her legs.
Still crying, she pressed her face to her knees. "Everybody hurts me,"
she whimpered, huddling into herself. "Everybody hurts me eventually."

"I don't want to hurt you, Shalai," Renner said gently as he sank down to his knees in front of her. "I'm just gonna sit here with you for a while. Ok?" At least until help arrived.

She rocked back and forth, not even hearing him. All she could hear was her husband's laughter, reminding her that he would never _really_ be gone.

Last updated on the December 16th 2006

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Gone But Not Forgotten