Lose Too Much

Writers: Eimi, Dana
Date Posted: 2nd October 2006

Characters: B'ram, Traelyn
Description: After leaving Dragonsfall Weyr, Traelyn goes to B'ram. But something different happens between them this time...
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 13, day 22 of Turn 3
Notes: Follows "Figured It Was Time"

B'ram

So here she was. Again.

Traelyn gazed with tired eyes at Girifith, who was awake and peering out of the shadows of his weyr at her and Nyith with interest. She wondered if B'ram knew she was here. Would it matter either way? Probably not. He'd scorn her whether her stopping by was a surprise to him or not.

With a sigh that sounded close to a frustrated snarl, the Weyrwoman folded her arms across her chest, hesitating--even now--to step into B'ram's weyr. Sooner or later the rain would probably herd her inside, but right now she preferred to stand under the protection of her queen's huge golden wing.

}:It is not raining at Dragonsfall,:{ Nyith told her softly, angling her head down to look at her, eyes whirling gently with concern. The dragon did not really understand why Loseth's rider had made Traelyn so upset, and what made even less sense to her was why her rider wasn't seeing Kalamath's. }:He will comfort you, Trae. He always has when you feel like this.:{
**I can't go to him, Nyith.**

}:Why not?:{ Because she was too damn prideful and too damn ashamed to go back to him. That's why. Too proud--even now--to admit she'd been in the wrong that one morning, and too scared that if she _did_ go back and look into his eyes...she would see rejection. She wrapped her arms tighter around herself, droplets of rain catching on her lashes as the wind swept around them. The memory of what she had snarled at U'kaiah shamed her. She'd let her temper go too far. And now she was suffering the sharding consequences for it.

And that was why she was here, on B'ram's ledge. Because there was no one else she could turn to. No other man of her acquaintance could make her feel the way U'kaiah made her feel, but B'ram was the only one who could make her feel an echo of it--whatever "it" was.

}:You should go inside.:{ Nyith touched the tip of her nose lovingly to Traelyn's back. }:Girifith's rider will warm you.:{ Shards, she hoped so. Steeling herself, Traelyn hesitantly crept past Girifith and slid into the brownrider's weyr.

The brown had warned his rider of the gold's arrival as soon as she had backwinged onto their ledge. B'ram knew she was there and yet he didn't move from the bathing pool. Shards, what was she _doing_ there. It was over between them. He thought he had made that clear.

A thousand curses and insults ran through his brain, none of them seeming to quite sink low enough. That sharding slut of a goldrider thought she could come slinking back to use him _again_? Even after he had made it terribly clear that last time would _be_ the last... Well, he would just remind her of that fact. Let her show herself, that way he could have the satisfaction of telling her to her face exactly what he thought of her sniffing around again. He had done fine without her. He didn't need her.
He didn't need her to make him feel... whole?

**That bitch thinks she can just come flying in on her over-grown wherry any time she can't find another man to play her stud, but not this time.**
Yes, this time, he'd remind her he was his own man, and immune to her goldrider charms!

He sat up straighter when he heard the rustling of the curtain. His mouth opened, first string of insults cocked and loaded and ready to be shot directly into their intended target. But as she peeked her head inside the bathing room, every hateful word drained out of him like so much bathwater. Her hair was damp and limp around her face, her eyes rimmed with dark circles and red from... had she been crying? And the way her fingers fidgeted with the curtain and she couldn't quite look him in the eye. She looked so... lost. This was not the lusty, angry, demanding heffer in heat he'd been expecting. This was just a woman. A sad, lonely, uncertain woman. Not even B'ram could kick a tunnel snake when it was down.

Traelyn wasn't sure how long they stared at each other, and as she stood rooted to the spot, she fought the ridiculous urge to shrink away like a cornered animal. Instead she held on desperately to what pride she had left and summoned the will to look him straight in the eyes. But this time, her expression wasn't defiant, or even angry. Her lips parted slightly as if she was going to say something, but nothing came out. Not a sound.

**Shell cracks and crack dust, stop looking at me like that,** he silently pleaded. She looked too familiar. She looked too much like her sister. It was the kind of look that threatened to bring out the best in B'ram when he so desperately wanted to throw at her his worst.

Well...he wasn't throwing her out. Nervously Traelyn licked her lips, feeling naked despite the heavy clothes she wore. Naked and vulnerable.
Too vulnerable. She didn't like the feeling, and searched for a way to grab hold of the situation they were in. Fidgeting with the cuff of her riding jacket, she asked quietly, "Can I join you?"

He was trying to think of some quip, some short he could take to make her go away. B'ram hated the effect she could have on him when she was condescending, proddy Trae. It was ten time worse when it was a wounded and defenseless Trae. Where was that seductive goldrider smile? Where was that look that practically demanded satisfaction? What in Faranth's name was happening here? The brownrider bobbed his head in acceptance. There they were again. Damned.

As Traelyn stripped down, she remembered a time, more than six months ago, when she'd been alone with a bronzerider, not a brownrider, in the bathing pool. A soft sigh escaped her as she submerged herself neck-deep in the hot water, letting it soothe away the aches and pains of the body. That evening had been the first time she'd let her guard down in front of U'kaiah, and he had held her, stroked her hair and caressed her skin, offering comfort. Traelyn wanted that again. Needed that again. Tonight.
Now. Slowly her eyes lifted to B'ram's and she let the pool's gentle current pull her towards him.

"Long day?" he asked. Shards, making conversation was so awkward. Especially _encouraging_ conversation.

"Very," she murmured, playing along as she settled beside him. Forced conversation was better than yelling right now. She didn't think she could snarl or growl anymore today, anyway. "One of the longest."

They sat in awkward silence a few moments. B'ram hadn't seen this Trae in a long time. Sometimes it was just so easy to forget that they had been almost like friends once... "Care to talk about it?"

She glanced at him sharply, hardly able to hide her shock in him asking her something like that. And she wondered if he really did want to know, or if he was following conversation protocol. Looking away, she watched the tongues of steam curl up around them, moving to spread around the room. "No." A tiny, humorless smile curved her lips for a moment. "I never talk about my...about things, B'ram. You've known me long enough to know that." Her tone wasn't accusing. It was soft...almost gentle, in a way.

"Then why are you here Traelyn? Surely there is someone else you'd rather be with." Someone who actually _did_ care enough to make more than just polite conversation. "What about your Weyrleader. Or one of your bronzerider friends?"

**They can't give to me what you can.** But she wouldn't say that. Instead she just looked at him.

He really didn't have to ask. He knew why she was there. The same reason she always came. B'ram knew he should send her away. There were plenty of other men who could make her find physical satisfaction. Was she really so sharding lonely that she had to always come to _him_ when she wanted more than just a quick tumble? Now that she was there, naked, next to him in his bathing pool, already stirring feelings in that old familiar way, he just couldn't push her away. Not tonight. Not when she had come to him like this. "Just this once, Traelyn."

Her response was a kiss pressed to his bare shoulder. It was true that she could have called him on his bluff--on the same excuses he kept on using over and over again: "Only tonight, Traelyn." "Just this once, Traelyn." "This is the last time, Traelyn." Those excuses now held little meaning for her, because she knew now that he truly didn't want it to end between them. He needed her. Leaning down, she pressed her cheek against his wet skin. And she was relieved, because she needed him too.

He slipped an arm around her. Shards, it felt almost natural. He had almost forgotten how good being with Traelyn felt. No, that was a lie. He never forgot how good it felt. Sometimes, in the night when he was lonely, he could hear her voice crying out his name. He could feel her fingers tangle in his hair and her nails dig into his back. Or maybe it was Atreyn that he heard and felt. It didn't matter. They were practically one and the same now. He leaned down to kiss her forehead, smelling her, tasting her. He wanted more, but for the moment he was just content in allowing the moment to wash over him. Traelyn was back, and it felt fighteningly good.

As she closed her eyes, she could almost imagine it was U'kaiah who was touching her so gently...comfortingly. Fresh regret washed over her, and she bent her head. **I am such a sharding fool...** Traelyn moved even closer, thigh brushing against his as her hand caressed down his side to wander gently below his hips. Then she kissed him, knowing that he'd give her exactly what she sought.

~*~

Traelyn wasn't sure when B'ram had moved them both out of the water and onto something softer, but as she curled closer up against him, she was glad for it. She just hadn't been in the mood for a short, hard bang in the bath. And he hadn't been either. It'd been obvious in the way he had caressed and kissed her.

There had been a desperate feeling in the way they'd come together, but none of the heady urgency that they were both were so used to feeling. Burying her nose in the crook of his arm and chest, her hold on him tightened slightly, relieved that he hadn't turned his back to her...that he was willing to let her cuddle up to him. But perhaps this wasn't only one-sided...

B'ram wasn't relieved. In fact, as Traelyn cuddled up next to him he felt rather miserable. **Why did you do it? Why couldn't you just sharding stop yourself? You could have just sent her away. Shells, if you had wanted sex that flaming bad, all you had to do was go downstairs and take your pick. You were doing so well withouth her...** And even more annoying than the fact that he had allowed himself to slip back into the old habit was that he knew if she reached for him, he'd do it again. Part of him even wished she would. **You're a wherry's ass, B'ram. That's all you are...**

The silence grew between them, broken only by their breaths--which were at last slowing--and the faint sound of sloshing water from the bathing pool in the other room. When she felt him shift ever so slightly, Traelyn brought a hand up, resting it lightly on his chest. But it wasn't to pin him down, like it probably once would have been interpreted. It was more of a compensation. She didn't want to stop touching him. She needed to touch him. And so she began softly rubbing her fingers against his skin, the movement almost habitual as her body followed her needs.

Touch--any kind of touch--had always brought comfort to her. A soothing hand rubbing her back, a simple hug, or gentle fingers trailing against the base of her neck, running through her hair... It all calmed a part of her few men rarely got to see. She could be seething, raging temper ready to explode in a split second, but a caress to the cheek could sometimes take all that anger away...and she'd forget why she'd been so livid in the first place. And Traelyn wouldn't always pursue sex following those tender little touches, either. Sometimes--like now--it was just enough to feel skin on skin. Flesh against flesh.

It was with that way with U'kaiah. She didn't crave sex when she went to him, needing something. She craved his touch, whether it would be an affectionate brush of the fingers or a kiss to the forehead. It was as simple as that. And it soothed something inside of her, making anything that had been frustrating her just...drift away. To put it simply, it made her feel good. And what made it even better was the tie of their friendship.

But she'd screwed that up. She'd screwed it up badly. And she was probably _still_ screwing it up between them...all because she couldn't apologize.

Traelyn's eyes fluttered open. "Is it hard for you...to say you're sorry?" she asked, her voice a murmuring whisper.

B'ram swallowed thickly. They never actually _talked_ afterwards, unless it was to hurl more insults and hateful words at each other. Part of him wanted to keep it that way. It was easier when they acted like they hated each other, when they pushed each other away. And yet, now that she had finally come back to him... "Sometimes, I suppose," he finally whispered.
Anything to make her stay.

She brushed her cheek against him arm. "It's hard for me too. I've known people who could say they were sorry the second after they did something hurtful." L'kub had been one of them. "I always admired that."

It was awkward enough as it was. An apology would just make ten times worse. "You don't have to apologize Trae. I let you stay."

Her dark eyes flickered to his face, unable to mask her sudden surprise.
"You called me Trae."

**Shards, I did...** "Well, that's what people call you isn't it?"

"Yeah... They do."

B'ram wondered what it all meant. Them talking. His calling her Trae.
Their lying there practically _cuddling_. He certainly didn't love her, but he had to admit, to himself only, that he kind of liked being with her. Shards.

"So what do you do?" she whispered, breaking the silence that had grown between them. "When you need to say you're sorry, but can't?"

"Well, why can't you?" he asked as one of his fingers traced hers.

She hesitated. "I don't know." Oh, but she did know, didn't she?

"Then I don't know what you do. Swallow your pride, I guess."

Pride wasn't the only factor. But Traelyn didn't want to spill her fear of seeing resentment and ice in U'kaiah's eyes to B'ram. "Yeah..."

B'ram looked at her out of the corner of his eye. "Just think how things could have been different... if you just could have told _him_ you were sorry."

Her throat closed at that, and she hid her eyes. The last thing she needed right now was to tear up in front of him. She couldn't do that. Not after everything. She wouldn't. But B'ram was right...so undeniably right. Things would have turned out completely different between she and L'kub. He might have been still alive even today...but she would never know.

And Traelyn couldn't repeat the same pattern with U'kaiah. She just couldn't.

She'd lose too much.

Last updated on the November 1st 2006

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Lose Too Much