Resented Mask

Writers: Dana, Eimi
Date Posted: 6th July 2006

Characters: Traelyn, L'kub
Description: Traelyn has yet another, sleepless night, and remembers the time when both she and L'kub realized that things between them would never be the same
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 12, day 25 of Turn 3

With a final snarl of frustration, Traelyn kicked the sheets off of her, the balmy night air hitting her bare legs, making her shiver slightly. Grinding her teeth, she rubbed at her arms, wishing she could sharding just lose herself in sleep. If only she didn't have so much restless energy pent up because of those scorched memories of U'waki. It was almost as of she could sense him lying beside her, arm heavy across her stomach. She could almost hear him chuckling--amused by her youthful inexperience, but more than willing to teach her...and that was made quite apparent as he pressed his hips against hers...

She rolled over on her side, and stared with unseeing eyes out into the darkness of her empty weyr. Shards--she wished she had someone in her bed tonight. Then she wouldn't have _time_ to think about any of this. A bitter smile curved her lips. **That's great, Trae. What a sharding screwed up pattern you've got yourself into. Nothing's changed.**

She'd hid behind U'waki that one night--even as she had used him to lash out at L'kub. She'd hid behind him like she wanted to hide now...but this time, _from_ him and the scorched memories of how he'd made her feel...before and after. Traelyn could remember his eyes, full of lust as he looked at her naked body for the first time. She could remember those callused hands of his tracing along her skin--almost roughly, encouraging her to touch him in places that had made her flush and stammer...at least, for the first time.

Much of her innocence about the pleasures of loving had been lost that night. L'kub had been her only lover until U'waki, and she'd learned that sex and making love were not the same. And to know and actually experience the difference... The thought had shamed her as she had lain limply across the bronzerider's body, the early morning sunlight just barely peeking in through from his dragon's weyr. But at the same time, it had given her a sense of excitement. A sense of...smug, feminine pride. Pride that she'd learn to hide behind when she felt...threatened...vulnerable. It got to the point where she could almost put it on and take it off like a mask.

But as the months wore on, and as she'd flitted from U'waki's bed to the others' in his circle, that mask came off less and less frequently. Traelyn could still remember the pained look in L'kub's eyes when he thought she couldn't see it. He'd learned to resent that mask--and that wall she was building between them by wearing it around him. And she could remember the first time he had truly noticed it: he'd come to her after sevendays of silence to make things right between them again...

~*~*~

}:Why do you rub so hard today, Trae?:{ Nyith asked, craning her head around to stare at her rider, who was swiftly--almost fiercely--rubbing oil into her dragon's hind-leg.

Traelyn winced and lessened the pressure she was putting on the rag considerably. "I'm sorry, dear heart," she murmured, glancing up at her queen.

}:I did not say it was a bad thing.:{ A pause. }:You are still upset. It worries me that you are still upset. A long time has passed since you were angry at Versith's rider. Why do you keep telling me to tell Versith that you cannot see his rider? You will feel better when you see him again. You always do.:{ The goldrider looked away and moved down Nyith's leg. "It's different this time." She tried to ignore the guilt that was slowly beginning to rise to the forefront of her thoughts again, and her jaw tightened. She had had every right to go to U'waki that night. She had nothing to feel guilty about! _Nothing_. "I'm just...not ready to talk to him yet."

"You mean me?" L'kub asked. He had been standing behind her for some time, just watching her.

Shards. With her heart in her mouth, she slowly pivoted around to stare at him. **Nyith...you didn't tell me--**

}:You need to talk to him.:{ Traelyn crossed her arms over her chest, looking away from him, trying to get control of the sudden, almost painful emotions that were taking hold.

"Please Trae," he said as he took a couple tentative steps towards her, "can't we talk about this?"

Her fingers tightened around the cloth and she turned around, starting to rub at her queen's shining hide again--needing to look anywhere but at him. "What is there left to talk about?" Her tone was very quiet, distant. And cold. Just like her expression.

His hand covered hers to still it. "I hope _us_."

Inwardly, she flinched as she stared down at his hand, trying to shove down the guilt, wishing that she could jerk her own hand away from his--wishing that she had enough fight in her to tell him to back off. "Us."

"Yes. You still want there to be an us, don't you?" His voice was quiet, almost strained. Shards, was it _really_ over?

**Shards, Trae...let go of your _scorching_ pride,** a part of her mind whispered fiercely. **Are you really still hurt about it all? Or are you using that as an excuse to keep on being angry?** Confused, she closed her eyes. Yes, she was still hurt. A part of her still shuddered to think that he had shared his bed--the bed he had shared with her--with others. A part of her still bristled that he had seemed to tell _everyone_ else first before he had decided to let her in on the happenings of his life. Happenings that affected her. _Them_.

But he wasn't a bronzerider or brownrider. He rode a blue. He had had to... For Versith.

And over the days Traelyn hadn't spoken to or had seen him, she had missed him. She had.

Unable to speak, she lifted her dark eyes to his, silently searching his face.

"Shards, Trae, please. Say something," be begged in a quiet voice.

"I'm still..." No. She didn't even want to talk about it anymore. And it would only bring up an issue she never wanted to admit to him. She never wanted him to find out. "I've... I've missed you," she finally whispered, looking down.

"I've missed you too." He slipped his long arms around her and pulled her to him tightly, afraid to let go lest she change her mind. "I never meant to hurt you, Trae. I swear I didn't. I would never try to hurt you."

Swallowing against the sudden lump in her throat brought on by the memories of that night spent in U'waki's bed--brought on by the guilt of _enjoying_ what she'd done and by knowing that she'd been lashing out at L'kub by doing it--she buried her face against him, her lips pressing against his neck. She didn't want to think about it anymore.

She just wanted to just forget it all. And to do that...

Traelyn gently pushed her hips against his, her lips moving up to trace the line of his ear.

He turned to kiss her soundly, trying to erase the memory of the past few days filled with fear, doubt, guilt and longing. L'kub never wanted to be without her again. "I love you," he whispered when their lips finally parted. "I will never love another the way I love you."

She took his hands in hers, her fingers linking tightly though his. Traelyn gazed up at him, her dark eyes searching his blue before she gently rubbed her cheek against his. "Show me?" she asked softly in his ear before kissing his temple.

L'kub nodded and slowly began walking her back towards the wear, never taking his eyes from her for fear that if he looked away, she would be gone.

As she felt the backs of her knees brush against the edge of the bed, she slowly sank down to sit there, and she gazed up at him. The last time they'd been alone together here, she'd been so upset...and so angry...

It had been easy, when L'kub hadn't been here, to tell herself that she hadn't done anything wrong by going to U'waki that same night. But now...
Her eyes flickered at the memory and she looked down to their clasped hands, her fingers tightening even more around his.

"Should we talk about this, Trae?" he asked, noticing the pain in her deep grey eyes.

Traelyn shook her head, her face slowly becoming guarded. "No, L'kub,"
she murmured, gently tugging on his hands. "No."

He took the hint and kissed her, but he knew. Something deep down told him things were different, and they would never be the same again.

~*~*~

And they never were. L'kub had come to fix things, and she went on and kept destroying them.

Silently Traelyn rose from her bed and went over to one of the plush chairs situated in the corner of the room. Reaching out, her fingertips brushed against the silky shift. She couldn't stand being alone anymore. And there was only one man in this Weyr who could make her feel like L'kub had so long ago.

With a decisive movement, she yanked the fine garment over her head.

Last updated on the July 9th 2006

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Resented Mask