For Both Their Sakes

Writers: Eimi
Date Posted: 12th May 2006

Characters: B'ram
Description: B'ram decides on a desperate plan to save himself...
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 11, day 20 of Turn 3

B'ram

B'ram covered his eyes with his arm, as if his pitch black weyr had not been dark enough. A frustrated sigh hissed through his nose as he squeezed his eyes tighter. But it didn't help. His weyr could be black as night, or ablaze with light, sleep would not come. He had tried every position, different configurations of pillows, no pillows, pointing his head towards the foot of the bed, finally moving to the floor. Every trick was failing him. It wasn't a lack of exhaustion that didn't allow him to find rest. His body was screaming for sleep. It was his mind that kept him awake. His imagination. His memories...

"Shards," he muttered as he rolled over and picked up his pillow once more and flopped unceremoniously back on the bed. Ever since that sharding day Atreyn came, rest alluded him. Every time he closed his eyes, every detail of their brief meeting came to mind. Her limp, her pitying eyes, the way she whispered his name, her face when he he didn't say a word, just glared at her. And then he would imagine what her face had been when he turned his back on her, walked out the door and slammed it so hard he could feel shock waves from the force of the impact travel up his arm, being absorbed by his own body - a physical symbol of the shock his own heart was feeling.

But it didn't end there. Then there was that sharding night. That one perfect, and yet terrible moment when he had looked into Traelyn's deep grey eyes and become lost in them. She had done it willingly. She had allowed him to touch her softly, scorching _lovingly_ even. He didn't care about Traelyn. She could take her gold and go back to Far Island Weyr, or Dragonsfall, or somewhere in the back of /between/ for all he cared. That sharding bitch had done it on purpose! But then when he touched her, she responded so wonderfully. She made love to him as much as he had her...

He growled as he turned over on his side, pulling a pillow close up against him and curling his arms around it. Girifith gently crooned soothingly in his mind, as restless as his rider. The brown couldn't understand how something that had made his rider feel so good could also make him feel so bad.

}:You liked the way she touched you. You liked the feelings she made in you. I liked it too! It was good for you! Why do you get angry about it?:{ How could he explain to his lifemate, a creature who only knew the pure love and adoration that bound dragon and rider together for eternity, that sometimes love dies, and when it dies it hurts. How could he explain what miserable creatures humans really were, falling in and out of love, using each other, hating each other, hurting each other. And shards, but they had creative ways of hurting each other. Humans had learned how to hurt with _love_ just as much as they hurt with hate. Perhaps that was an even worse kind of hurt, because as bad as it got, you were willing to feel the pain again, just for that hint of love. It was an addicting sort of pain.

B'ram pulled the pillow closer, holding it tighter, holding the pillow like he would have held Atreyn at that moment, so close that she could never escape him. So close that she would understand how desperately he missed her, loved her, wanted her. But he couldn't get that close to her again, for even as he lay tossing and turning in his bed, Atreyn was probably laying peacefully in U'falo's arms. Perhaps even making love to him, touching him and whispering to him, and sharding _looking_ at him the way she had once looked at B'ram.

He could almost hear it in his mind. Atreyn's soft gasps and whimpers as U'falo ran his hands along her skin. Her moans as he kissed her in exactly the same way B'ram had learned to kiss her, and in all the right places. And he could feel what U'falo must be feeling as her hands and lips slid along his skin so skillfully.

A fiercely painful snarl escaped him as he sat up, throwing the pillow aside. Why wouldn't that woman get out of his _mind_!? Why wouldn't she leave him alone!? He could feel his fury rise in him as each imagined sound and touch turned into another physically painful ache. It was as if U'falo and Atreyn were pounding away at his heart, his chest, his gut, his mind, and there was no way to stop it! He pulled the pillow back violently turning on it the way he wished he could turn on that sharding bronzerider for stealing his life away, and he brought his fist down into it with the full force of his pain. Again, and again, and again he slammed the pillow, with each blow willing himself to fight the memories, the images, the pain. The sweat formed on his brow, but he didn't care as he growled, and snarled his frustration until his throat hurt from the strain. He finally collapsed back down on the bed, breathing heavily, his energy spent. But his mind was still reeling.

B'ram covered his eyes with his hands. The fury may be gone, but silence and loneliness were left in its place, and instead of agonized grunts and growls, now only a painful whimper escaped his lips.

}:Nyith's rider can help you...:{ his brown offered softly. }:She made you feel good again...:{ "No," he whispered into the dark, "no, no, no... I can't do that. I can't go to her again!"

And yet a part of him knew Girifith was right. For all that he hated Traelyn, she had made that emptiness go away, even if just for a few moments. She had made him remember what it was like to feel loved and wanted again. It didn't matter that she had moaned L'kub's name. He didn't care who she was thinking of that night. He only knew how she had made him feel for that brief moment. It had made him feel... whole again. Would it really be so hard to go to her just once more? To touch her like that? To hear her whimper and moan and cry out as he made love to her? And wouldn't it feel so sharding good to feel her hands move teasingly along his skin, looking up at him with those eyes, and that sharding smile that could make him ache with desire for her? No, not for her. For _Atreyn_...

"No," he groaned as he pressed the heels of his hands harder against his eyes. He could not live in that shadowland. That's all it was, chasing shadows of love, shadows of feeling somewhere between reality and fantasy. The way he body responded just at the _thought_ of going to her again was unnerving enough. If he did it again... Shards he could loose himself in it. B'ram could see what would happen if he gave in and went to her, if she welcomed him into her bed, and if they made love again like they had before. Shards, he would never be able to stop going to her. They would be damned /between/, finding a temporary fix that would make them feel so flaming good, so sharding _alive_ again, and then when the moment was gone they would be as empty and alone as they were to start with. And the only way to get rid of that feeling was to do it again. And again. And again. Chasing after those few precious moments of satisfaction. That was not living.

Shards it was tempting, though. Just the thought of feeling that way again... "No!" he growled, sitting bolt upright. No, he would not do that again! It was one moment in time, but the moment was gone, and it would never happen again. "It will never happen again," he whispered, his voice choked in his determination. "It will _never_ happen again!"

B'ram knew what he must do. He must _erase_ the sharding memory of that night. He would cast it out of his mind once and for all. It had to be done, for both their sakes. They couldn't live like this! Things had to go back to the way they were before. He would go to her, make her furious, and have hot, angry sex. They would _screw_ the memory of that last night out of their heads. He would bring her to the point of blinding rage, and then they would take it out on each other's bodies like they had before, and he would forget Atreyn, and she would forget L'kub, for they could never have touched or used their lovers in such a shameful way. And with their mutual hate and loathing, they could finally exorcise that sharding night from their consciousness forever.

It had to be done, for _both_ their sakes...

Last updated on the May 13th 2006

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For Both Their Sakes