The Most Painful Goodbye

Writers: Heather, Miriah
Date Posted: 10th September 2019

Characters: Saidrene, J'ackt
Description: Letting go is painful
Location: Barrier Lake Weyr
Date: month 12, day 28 of Turn 9
Notes: Mentioned: Alina, Timassa, K'ran, Cosani

Saidrene

J'ackt

It wasn't hard to find her, despite the people hurrying from one area to the next. He was unfamiliar with this place, but he knew that dark head of hair anywhere, so he followed it quietly. Almost amused, he was reminded of the times he'd have to stalk game, but amusement quickly faded. Saidrene wasn't game. He held back until she reached a small building, what they called temporary weyrs here.

Before she could open the door, he slipped in behind her. "Why didn't you tell me?"

The voice startled her. "What the...? J'ackt?! What are you doing here?"

"Trying to find you. Timassa told me where you'd be." J'ackt looked down at her, a muscle ticking at his jaw. "You didn't tell me you were transferring. You didn't even say goodbye. "

Saidrene's eyebrows raised. "Just like you didn't even tell me about the little celebration you and Alina had? But then I guess it might have been embarrassing for you to have your former lover, greenrider cousin there with your new holder family."

"What?" He stared at her, blinked and then rubbed a hand over his face. Speaking vehemently, he answered "I'm not ashamed of us. I've never been ashamed of us or anything we did." He took a breath, then continued as little more calmly." I did that for Alina, not for me, because she needed her family's support. You were so mad at me, Saidrene and you were hurt. I thought that you'd feel it was rubbing salt in a wound. I didn't want to hurt you more. Faranth, Saidrene, Ive never ever wanted to hurt you. Don't you know that by know?"

"Are you kidding me?" She demanded, chest heaving. "You weyrmate to Alina and agree to be exclusive with her, oh wait, except for dear ole Cosani, you make a provision to be able to screw around with her still but what about me? I was completely cut out, your dirty little secret, just like with K'ran!"

They were causing a scene and J'ackt noticed, but at that point, he didn't care. He gripped Saidrene's upper arms gently. "You've never been a dirty secret. Ever. I told you I didn't care who knew and I still don't. I'll yell it out right here and now if I have to. Saidrene, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I hurt you." Unable to help himself, he wrapped his arms around her and tugged her into a tight embrace. It had always been hard for him to slow affection, but never with her and it showed. Bending his head to speak against her hair, he pressed his lips to her crown. "I'm sorry. Faranth, I'm sorry. You were never less than anyone. You mean more to me than I can tell you. "

Saidrene closed her eyes and savored the hug. No one had been closer to her than J'ackt but it never seemed to last. "I just can't do it anymore, J'ackt. I'm either a part of your life, or I'm not, I can't go back to being just friends. I'm not saying you have to spend a lot of time here with me or anything, but I can't go back to pretending like we're just pals."

Those words hurt him deeply. Closing his eyes, he had to drag the words from him. "Saidrene, I can't hurt Alina either. She trusts you. It's taken her forever to trust me. And I love her. And we both love you as a friend and as family. Shaffit, Saidrene, you're my best friend and I love you. " He struggled to find words, something he'd never been good at. "We're more than just 'pals'. You know that. I want you in our lives. In mine. "

"I would never want to hurt Alina," Saidrene agreed, "that's why I was so shocked you agreed to the weyrmating, a ring and everything. Whether you meant it to or not, that effectively ended what we had, J'ackt. You don't need me as a best friend any more, that's why you have a weyrmate." She pulled back. "I want to be with men who can actually _be_ with me. I've lived most of my life in someone's shadow, first my mother's, and now in Alina's. I can't do it anymore... that's why I came to Barrier Lake, where I can live life without hiding or worrying about hurting someone's holder feelings."

"You really think that? That I don't need you as a best friend?" He cupped her cheeks. "You're wrong about that. I will always need you and want you, no matter what. And you need me as yours. I will always be there for you when you need me, Saidrene. Always. Wherever you decide to go. I'll be there if you need to gripe or talk about K'ran or who ever is lucky enough to have you. And if they hurt you, I'll be there to kick their ass." He bent to rest his brow against hers and closed his eyes. "Just tell me that you know that."

"I can't," Saidrene whispered, tears pressing at the corners of her eyes. "You've secured the two women that mean the most to you." And neither of them were her. "Now let me go so I can move on."

He gave a choked breath. "You mean more to me than Cosani, Saidrene. So much more. If you ask me to, I'll let her go. But don't ask me to stop seeing you or visiting you. Don't ask that. Please. "

"It's not about Cosani," Saidrene said. "I'm not possessive over you, I am still weyrbred, I just... want more of you than Alina would be willing to give."

With difficulty, he pulled away from her. He looked down, unable to hide the sheen of moisture in his eyes, but blinked it back. "Alright." His voice was soft and oddly flat as the pain of the conversation rebuilt emotional barriers to distance himself from the hurt. He nodded. "Alright." He brushed a kiss over her brow and let her go. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he turned and walked away, acceding to her request.

Watching J'ackt walk away and not calling him back was the hardest thing that Saidrene had ever done. She knew his emotional struggles, she had been there to see him face them, but now it was Alina's place to help him bear those burdens. "Goodbye," she called softly after his retreating form.

Last updated on the October 26th 2019

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The Most Painful Goodbye