How Did We Get Here (1): You Can't Unburn the Candle

Writers: Eimi
Date Posted: 15th December 2017

Characters: Hygalia, U'kaiah
Description: Hygalia asks U'kaiah about his trip home
Location: Elsewhere on Pern
Date: month 1, day 14 of Turn 9

U'kaiah sighed as he pulled off his riding cap and jacket, putting
them on their pegs next to the curtain. He paused for a moment to lay
his head against the snout of his great bronze, taking a moment to
adjust himself back to the reality of returning to the Weyr. _His_
Weyr, now. Because this was where he belonged, like it or not.

**I would give anything on Pern to unburn the candle,** he thought,
thinking of all the time with his family he had lost. One trip
couldn't make up for all they had lost. One night couldn't fit the
broken trust in all his relationships.

Kalamath rumbled his sympathy, radiating love and acceptance to his
rider. It helped, but even he could understand that it was not a
cure.

He had been tempted to curl up right there in the crook of his
lifemate's arm to sleep, but whereas the South had been warm and
inviting, the North was it's seasonal opposite, and the last thing he
needed was to get sick on top of everything else.

The bronzerider was surprised to find a glow partially opened as he
pulled back the curtain. He hadn't done that. Light snoring could be
heard coming from the sofa, and as he leaned his arms against the back
of it, a soft smile touched his lips. Reaching down, he gave his
Weyrwoman a gentle shake. "Hygalia?"

"Wha?" The goldrider startled awake. She blinked up at U'kaiah a
couple times as she remembered where she was. "Oh! You're back!"

"I am," he nodded, slightly amused. "Safe and sound as you can see."

"Indeed," she said, pulling herself up into a sitting position. "I
guess I fell asleep waiting for you."

"It would appear so." U'kaiah walked around to sit beside her.
"So... Why are you waiting?"

"Oh! I brought beer." Hygalia looked around, trying to remember
where she put it. She found it on the table right in front of her, of
course. Reaching for a bottle and the opener she gave him a
questioning look.

"Thank you. Why not." He picked up the other bottle and turned the
label round. "This is a new one, I see. Going further afield to find
it."

"Everyone needs a hobby," she shrugged, handing him the opener. "So.
How did it go?"

He was silent a moment as he popped the top and took a sip. "This is
a good one."

She gave him a one sided smile. "I'm glad. Now is the beer really
that good or are you avoiding the question?"

He shrugged a shoulder as he sank back into the cushions and took
another pull from the bottle. "It went... fine."

"Kaiafel was ok?"

The bronzerider nodded, remembering the way Kaiafel had thrown his
arms around him and held him so tight, as if he were afraid that it
wasn't real. "Yeah, he seemed ok."

"And your other boys? Are they all well?"

"Ravyan was happy to see me. He's a quiet little guy, but he sure had
a lot to tell me today." It made U'kaiah smile to know that he had
been missed so much.

It was good to see the bronzerider smile, Hygalia thought. "And what
about Kaiavin?"

"He..." U'kaiah rubbed at his eyebrow as he considered how to answer
that question. "He eventually warmed up to me." A look of confusion
passed over her face, so he reluctantly continued. "I'm just a man
who sometimes shows up in Kaiavin's world. He doesn't know what to
think of me. He accepts my being there because his brothers are happy
to see me. But I'm not a father to him in his mind. Shards, he
doesn't even know what a father is anymore."

Hygalia frowned at that and laid her hand on his leg in sympathy. "He
will one day."

"Yeah," U'kaiah nodded, and tried to smile, but the thought did pass
through his head, **But will it be me?**

"How are you and Tavia doing?" the goldrider prompted. She had taken
the greenriders appearance as a good sign.

"We're..." He took a sip of beer to stall for time. Shards, where
were they? It was so hard to tell sometimes. "We're doing ok. As
good as can be expected, I guess."

"Still not interested in moving here?"

The bronzerider shook his head as he blew out a long slow breath.
"Same old story. She won't leave Kaiafel, he won't leave his mother
and Ravyan, and they won't leave Dragonsfall."

The goldrider bit her lip as her thumbnail pulled back the corner of
her labe. She was contemplating if she should even ask the next
question. But she wanted him to know that if he wanted to talk, the
willingness was there. "And... Did you see Aileyan?"

He nodded, but said nothing as he studied the rim of the neck of the bottle.

"No movement there?" She asked rhetorically.

"Not in my direction." Not that he believed she really had any kind
of feelings for J'nev, either. But she was just still so angry. He
was losing hope fast that they could ever find a way for her to
forgive him for the pain he had caused. She had claimed over and over
that he would leave her one day. And in her mind, that was just what
he did.

Hygalia could hear the pain in his voice, and see it in his far off
look. She could just imagine the little greenrider. They had
connected long ago, but then she had betrayed that relationship when
she took U'kaiah from her. Perhaps she would never forgive either of
them. **How she must hurt.** Tavia, too, who had moved half a world
from her home just to be with him. And Kaiafel, just coming into
manhood and his father not there to help him navigate through the
transition. She knew her part in all this, and it filled her with
sadness. Her voice choked with the true emotion she felt, she
whispered, "I'm so sorry, U'kaiah. I'm sorry that this..."

"Stop," he said, reaching for her hand and giving it a firm, but
gentle squeeze. "You can't keep apologizing. I made my choice."

She shook her head. "I pushed you into that choice, U'kaiah. I knew
your weaknesses, and I exploited them..."

"Is a sense of duty really a weakness?" Shards, he hoped not.
Otherwise what was it all for?

"No," the goldrider assured him, squeezing his hand in emphasis. "But
I could have chosen someone else. I got selfish..."

"Enough, Hygalia." U'kaiah turned his body to look at her. "You did
what a Weyrwoman is supposed to do. You did what you thought was best
for your people."

"But not what was best for you."

"What's best for me..." That was a luxury only Holders and Crafters
could claim. "I lost that right the moment I looked into Kalamth's
eyes."

"I wish that weren't true," she said as she shifted so she could lean
back against him.

As the bronzerider's arms went around her middle in a comforting
embrace for them both, the same thought filled their heads, **Just how
did we get here?**

Last updated on the December 23rd 2017

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How Did We Get Here (1): You Can't Unburn the Candle