Forgive, Not Forget

Writers: Bree, Eimi
Date Posted: 27th February 2006

Characters: Almonteo, Carmora
Description: Almonteo admits his mistake to Carmora.
Location: Elsewhere on Pern
Date: month 10, day 1 of Turn 0

Almonteo

Almonteo's legs felt heavy as he walked back towards the cot he shared with his young family. He was weighted down with bags and cases, but even further by a terrible burden of guilt and shame. Shards, what had he done?
How could he have done that? He had sex with a woman who was not his wife.
And he couldn't even blame it on being drunk. He was clear enough to know what he was doing. Images of Jathali looking up at him, looking down at him, her body rising and falling along his own filled his mind as he trudged down the path. The thought of it almost made him sick. **Carmora doesn't need to know. She never needs to know...**

But his guilt was momentarily forgotten when he met their good friend along the road with his little daughter. She informed him that they were just out for a walk while Carmora rested in their bed. His wife had been sick while he had been gone. Though she assured him it was nothing to worry about, Almonteo felt a deep knot of fear in his gut. Could fate be that vengeful?
Could his beloved be sick even as he strayed from their vows? With a quick thanks to her friend he hurried home. He had to be with her!

Almonteo burst through the door of the cots they shared, dropping bags and cases on the floor haphazardly and hurrying to the door of their sleeping room. He took a deep breath to calm himself before opening the door. There she was, sleeping soundly. She looked so beautiful, so calm and peaceful.
Carefully he tiptoed over to the bed and gently touched his fingers to her forehead. She felt normal, but looked tired.

And that was when the guilt hit again. He couldn't breath as he looked down at her. Shards how he loved her. He loved _only_ her. How could he have even thought of touching another? If only there was a way to erase what he had done! But Carmora wouldn't know anything unless he told her...

She shifted sleepily on the bed, her eyes fluttering open. When she saw him, her lips curled into a gentle smile. "You're home." He nodded, his eyes clouded with concern. He wasn't sure which he was more worried about, her health, or that she would see right through him. "You've been sick?"

"Mostly tired," she replied, reaching up to take his hand, tugging him down next to her. "Salah has been helping out for a day or two so I could get some rest."

"But are you all right?" he asked as he sat down on the bed next to her, her fingers clasped in his.

"I am now that you're home." Her smile grew as she tugged on his hand again, her earlier anger with him when he'd left forgotten. "Aren't you even going to kiss me hello?" He hesitated a brief moment before leaning down to kiss her softly. As his lips brushed against hers he felt a tightening of his heart. No matter the passion, kissing Jathali had not been the same. The kiss of welcome quickly became a silent, passionate plea for forgiveness for a crime of which Carmora was blissfully unaware.

Carmora pulled back, her cheeks flushed but her eyes slightly confused. "I guess you missed me." "So very much," he whispered, burying his head against her chest. Shards, what had he done?

"Love?" Carmora's hands went to his head, her fingers brushing through his hair. "Are you all right? Did something go wrong?" "I just love you so much," he groaned, wrapping his arms around her and pulling himself closer to her. **Carmora won't ever know. She doesn't need to know...** The thought echoed in his mind. But what a sharding foolish thought. Of course she would know. She knew him too well not to know.
Carmora would know he was hiding something. She would see his guilt written on his face and in his eyes and in his smile. He had never been able to hide anything from her before. What a wherry's ass he was to think he could hide _this_ from her.

"Almonteo!" Carmora was honestly worried now, and she pushed at his shoulders until he was forced to lift his head. What she saw in his face was hardly reassuring. "Has something happened? You aren't acting like yourself." He pulled away from her. Even her tender touches felt like white hot brands of shame. Almonteo stood and walked over to the window, bracing himself against the window sill as he looked out on what should be a happy and sunny beginning to a new turn. "Yes," he finally croaked. "Something happened."

Carmora pushed herself upright, swinging her legs over the side of the bed.
"Are you all right? What is it?" He squeezed his eyes shut. How could he tell her? How could he hide it from her now? "I... I did a terrible thing, Carmora. And I am so _so_
sorry for it."

She forced herself to her feet, ignoring the faint queasiness that had come back when she started moving. Sliding a warm robe on over her nightgown, she took a few steps toward her husband. "Just tell me."

Almonteo couldn't open his eyes. He couldn't look at her. He just leaned his forehead against the cool windowpane. "There was a woman I danced with.
I didn't know her. She was a harper from the Weyr I guess. And when I went back to my room she was waiting for me..." He knew she could guess the rest.

"Oh." She wasn't sure if the sudden riot in her stomach had to do with her condition or the mental image of her husband taking another woman into his bed. It didn't seem to matter. For the second time that morning she felt her stomach rebel, and there was nothing to do but find her way to chamber pot through a haze of pain and tears. He turned at the sound of her wrenching pain, guilt driven in deeper at the thought that he had done this to her. "Carmora, I'm sorry," he whispered, kneeling down beside her, reaching up to pull her hair back in one hand while rubbing her back with the other. "I'm so sorry."

She wrenched away from him, curling up in the corner with a towel pressed against her face. The excitement and joy of the past days had faded, leaving her with only empty anger. Wiping her eyes on the towel, she looked up at him. "My children and I are going to stay with my mother." "What?" he asked, a cold fear starting in the pit of his stomach. Of course he deserved it, but he was not above begging. Almonteo crawled over in front of her and reached for her hands. "Please Carmora, don't go. We can talk about this..."

Carmora snatched one hand away and slapped him sharply across the face. "How foolish do you think I am? You come crawling back to me in your guilt and I'm supposed to feel sorry for you when I've spent the past sevenday throwing up everything in my stomach because I'm pregnant with your child."
Her laughter was bitter. "Don't worry, maybe I'm not the only one. You can have _lots_ of children." He didn't know which stung worse, the angry slap, or the sudden knowledge that he would be a father for the second time. **Pregnant...?** "Please, don't do this. I made a mistake. I made a terrible mistake, but I love you. I love you, and I love Carala, and I will love this baby, and we can be a family. Please, Carmora. Please, don't go."

"Tell me why," she said harshly, still curled in on herself. "Tell me why you did it. Tell me why I wasn't enough." "You are enough, Carmora. You were always enough." Almonteo was silent a moment as he debated just how much he should reveal to her. Could he even tell her that he had been unhappy. Could he even say it without making it sound as if she were partially to blame? But if he was not completely honest with her, he knew there was no chance at her ever believing him again.

"I guess I did it because she was there. She was there, and she made me feel smart, and funny, and wanted. I haven't felt really wanted for some time. Not since we moved back here to the Hall. It's like you've been pulling away from me little by little. Shards, you didn't even kiss me good-bye. It was as if the fact that I were here or I was gone didn't really matter.

She made feel me like it wasn't my fault. Like there was still something here to want. And it felt good. I wanted it to come from you, but it came from her. She offered it, and I took it, and I thought you would never have to know." Tears slipped out from under his lashes. He knew there was a very good chance he could have hurt her more than his infidelity had, but he had to hope that his honesty would make her understand.

"You thought you could lie to me?" she asked dully, watching his face for any sign that his words had been a lie. He nodded slowly. "I _thought_ I could. But I just couldn't."

She stared at him for a moment that stretched out in uncomfortable silence.
Finally she looked down and sighed. "I need to be somewhere else for a while, Almonteo. If you honestly love me, then at least give me that. Carala and I can stay with Salah."

He swallowed hard. It was better than the permanence of her mother's, but it would still mean she was gone. "Can I see you? And Carala?" he asked in a choked whisper.

"In a few days, maybe," she replied quietly. There was no other option, after all. She was a woman, and with the craft ban in place women were losing their ability to be anything but wives. With one child already and pregnant with a second... she _had_ no options. So she'd forgive him, eventually. She had to. She didn't have a choice.

But she'd never forget.

Last updated on the February 27th 2006

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Forgive, Not Forget