Doubts

Writers: Avery
Date Posted: 9th February 2006

Characters: Riveenata
Description: Riveenata realizes she's not happy with the way her life is going, and wonders which path to take.
Location: River Bluff Weyr
Date: month 10, day 8 of Turn 3

It was raining today, at the end of a long hard day. The Candidate part of the day wasn't much work- how many times had she gone through and heard the same things, over and over again? It was all rote to her by now, and she could recite it in her sleep. The Healing part was more interesting. Riveenata liked her Craft.

She sighed and stretched, feeling her dampened clothes cling to her body; she'd gotten a wet as she came in. Normally this might have bothered her a bit. Right at that moment she didn't care. Being damp and cold fit her mood at the moment. Riveenata felt abjectly miserable, and didn't care who knew it.

She idly reached for a brush and began combing her hair as she thought about her day. How sick she was of candidacy, of day by day attending lessons that she knew already. How tired she was of doing anything related to it by now. All the classes, they taught you about life in the Weyr and what to do when you Impressed and how to tend a dragonet and what Impressing certain colors would mean. **Too bad they don't teach you how to Impress, though.** she thought bitterly.

All day today, and indeed so many of the other days, she'd heard new Candidates, of which there were many, after Vilarth's Flight, speak starry-eyed of Impressing. A part of her, the bitter part that had slowly developed after Turns of not Impressing that Riveenata refused to consciously acknowledge, wanted to tell them how they had no guarantee of Impressing- not with only 18 eggs, and not even if there were 40 or more. But she couldn't do that, couldn't cruelly say such things and shatter their hopes. **But if their hopes are going to be shattered anyways, why not spare them in advance?** she thought, before quelling that thought as unworthy of her.

**Maybe I could let them down gently.** she thought, thinking of Illiana, and others who might be very disappointed if they didn't succeed. She shook her head slightly, feeling torn. In her heart she didn't want to hurt them by being so blunt about their odds, and she knew that even being tactful, her gentle prodding would hurt- but she didn't want to see others hurt by not Impressing. But then again, there were others, like I'zar, who Impressed relatively quickly. **Some are just cut out for it.**

**And yourself?** a quiet voice queried. **Your own hurt?**

She closed her eyes and sighed quietly, finding no answer within her mind for her own voice. Was she hurt by not Impressing? Truly, she didn't know. There was an ache, admittedly- a pain, a shame, at Standing on the hot Hatching Sands, waiting with such breathless anticipation and hope and desire, only to wind up slinking away alone _again_. It hurt. A lot.

Whenever she didn't Impress, she found herself fleeing to the Infirmary. Specifically, to the storerooms in the back, where she could sit and smell the herbs in the bundles lined on the shelves. It was one of Riveenata's favorite places to be. She felt at peace back there in a way she did nowhere else, with the scents of herbs and oils around her. Even when she was working back there, and not just sitting, she felt such a sense of peace.

Riveenata loved her Craft with a passion. Some aspects weren't her favorites, but others were. She felt distressed and a bit overwhelmed when dealing with serious cases- **but I haven't dealt with too many yet, maybe it will wear off.** She liked making oils and herbs, she liked helping people in nursing and diagnostics. Mindhealing was extremely interesting, from what she'd seen of it, and the little massage therapy she'd done she'd enjoyed very much. Dentistry she wasn't too experienced with, nor surgery. She didn't like working with the very old and the very young, per se, and she knew she'd make a pretty awful midwife. But overall, she enjoyed her Craft.

She sighed quietly, thinking. **Maybe I should stay with my Craft.** she reflected quietly. She found more enjoyment there- although part of that was from the fact that she got to do hands-on practice, unlike with candidacy, and that she learned new things, again unlike candidacy. **If I had a dragon...** she thought wistfully, rejecting that thought quickly.

"But I don't!" she cried aloud softly, a tear springing to her eye despite her best efforts. **And you never will...** a voice taunted softly in her head. **You're not good enough for a dragon. A green will never notice you.**

Riveenata put her head in her hands and let the tears begin to drip down, unable to control them any longer. She felt completely unworthy of being a dragonrider- she'd stood so many times! And the Clutches during a Pass were usually huge, like Tabirnath's last, even if Vilarth's was tiny for whatever reason. She had had plenty of potential dragonets to Impress, but yet she hadn't Impressed any. **I'm not good enough.** she told herself resignedly.

And what of her Craft? She loved it even more then dragonriding, but was she really a success there? Abrei had said that she was doing well- but that had been a few months ago. Riveenata closed her eyes and scrubbed at her face. She wanted to believe Abrei, really she did. She idolized the woman- she was brilliant, and such a good Healer! Riveenata wanted to be that good. But she felt so often like she'd never be good enough, never be that good. By this point, she didn't think she'd even make Junior Journeywoman any time soon.

And what would happen if she did Impress? She pushed away the negative thoughts that she wasn't good enough, the ones that kept springing to mind every time she thought of it. If she did Impress, she'd have to give up her Craft completely, wouldn't she?

**M'galec does both...** she thought to herself. Immediately, though, she rejected the thought, remembering that he had been trained in the Interval, when it was possible to do both. She would have no such luxury if she Impressed- _if_, she reminded herself. If she chose to not Stand, or if she did Impress... either way, one path would be cut off from her, while the other would be opened for her.

**But I don't know which one I want anymore!** Riveenata thought, distressed.

She cried silently into her hands for awhile longer, until she heard others move around. She didn't want to be found here, crying like this, so she hastily rubbed her eyes and washed away her tears. Standing up, she made for the door of the barracks, walking past all of the others without saying a word to anyone she passed. Once out, she ran, unheeding of the rain, until she finally reached shelter and then the Infirmary. With a nod to those on duty, she went into the storeroom, trying to look like she belonged, and finally sat down. Sighing slightly, she tried to regain her lost composure- and to determine what she wanted to do with her life.

Last updated on the February 11th 2006

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Doubts