Disappointment

Writers: Chelle, Leigh M-F.
Date Posted: 21st May 2014

Characters: A'kua, P'nal
Description: It's never how you imagine it.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 7, day 10 of Turn 7
Notes: Mentioned: Ninaine, G'nir, Genith, J'darin, E'naer

It was supposed to be a good thing; a milestone of a young adult's life. Something to be proud of, to hear other holder boys speak of it, and yesterday, when Genith had risen and made G'nir Weyrleader again, it had happened to Aluka.

Such a simple thing, too. He had brought another Candidate complaining of a bad headache to the Healers, and on his way back to where they had been doing their chores, he had met a female greenrider going in the same direction. They had not even done more than nod politely to each other when Genith went up. Aluka had never felt his self control get stripped away so thoroughly, or such amazing pleasure. From the way the greenrider had clawed at his back through his tunic in the act, she had enjoyed it as well.

Then, the flight was over. They had parted and straightened their clothes, and before he could say anything -an apology, an invitation, something- she had patted his cheek and walked off smiling, hips swaying.

Aluka hadn't expected the aftermath to feel so empty. Wasn't an intimate act supposed to mean something, even if it was just a fling? Wasn't there supposed to be cuddling, soft words, some small gesture to cement that it was special? But it wasn't, because there had been no real connection, no true attraction, no mutual emotion outside of lust. It was so dissatisfying.

Now the tall redhead understood what poor Ninaine was so afraid of. Then again, P'nal's newest guest lecture really wasn't the place to be thinking about it. That didn't keep him from leaning his chin on his hand as he brooded and stared at the wall.

"And what exactly happens when one Impresses? Aluka?" P'nal had gotten a list of names before doing the short lecture he'd promised. Seeing the boy wasn't exactly paying attention, he decided to get his attention-publicly.

Oh. He was being called on. Drat. This probably wasn't going to be pretty. The Candidate turned his head without lifting it off his hand or straightening up to look at the dragonrider. "What was the question?" he asked quietly, no trace of his usual snark.

"What happens during Impression?" P'nal have him that look that said he wanted to talk to him once the lesson was done.

"You're the dragonrider. Ya tell me," Aluka said dryly, acknowledging the look by giving P'nal an excuse to keep him after class. It worked brilliantly, and once the class was over, Aluka stayed in his seat.

P'nal sighed and scratched his head. "Please tell me you have a valid reason for not paying attention." He would still be punished, but at least that way it wouldn't be as bad.

"Valid? Dunno," Aluka said, shrugging. He didn't want to talk about it, but he had a feeling he should. "I was with a woman yesterday. First time ever. We had fun. I'm.... I'm not regrettin' it, but it was...." He sighed. "It was a worthless encounter. I thought it would be.... better, somehow."

"You were with a woman yesterday?" He did a little math in his head. "Ah that wouldn't have happened to be during the goldflight hm? And...what sort of woman was she?" Maybe Aluka had missed the whole lecture on flights. Perhaps J'darin needed to schedule that one again. Still, P'nal decided to straighten the boy out if he could.

"She's a greenrider," Aluka said. "We both know how it goes with flights. I've been here long enough and all. I know it logically, anyway, but that doesn' stop me from feelin' disappointed. Even foolin' 'round with that girl from my hold meant more than this." Meant something to him, at least.

"Logically....Listen, everyone's first time is rough-especially if it's a Flight. That's why we recommend that you do it before any sort of flight situation. Thankfully yours wasn't too bad when it came to that." P'nal wondered how to address the entire casual sex topic. "The way I think of it is this: with flights-it's all about the dragons. We're just a byproduct. So during a flight, there isn't supposed to be a connection between us. It is really just meaningless, casual sex. And yes, through your career as a rider, you will have a lot of it. You have to detach yourself, remembering that it is not about you-but your dragon. If you can't do that, then maybe you should rethink Impressing. Some can't and it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's just an issue with Weyrlife. Without the dragons, we wouldn't have it, but they make it necessary. You've been conditioned as a holder to think of sex as this wonderful, beautiful thing where you connect with another person. During a Flight-you never connect with the other person. The dragons are doing the connecting, not you."

"Mm." The redhead looked to the wall again. "Guess I better get used to it, then." He was probably just overreacting anyway. Maybe the disappointment was from some kind of subconscious desire for a connection with a person besides Ninaine despite his paranoia.

"Now it's perfectly allright to expect a connection with someone outside of Flights, though not everyone here requires that. Sometimes sex is used as a way to blow off steam. I mean...every few days we risk our lives and that of our dragons for Pern. Sometimes it's natural for your body to crave attention after almost dying. It reminds you that you're alive. Sex can happen for different reasons. Yours are your own. If you're not comfortable with encounters like what you just had, you can say no and walk somewhere else before things get real heady." P'nal hoped that really made sense. He wasn't the best at this sort of thing. He usually left it to J'darin.

"Mm," Aluka said again. "Ya ever been able to walk away durin' a goldflight?" His tone wasn't accusing; he was genuinely curious if it could be done.

"Most of the time I never had a reason to, but if I wanted to-yes. We..all of us...we know the signs. You can feel it building so you know it's coming. If you leave early, then you can go elsewhere." It was easily done. That was how the other goldriders got away.

The Candidate was silent for a little while. "Am I still in trouble?" he finally asked.

"I'd say an extra half candlemark of firestone duty will work it out. In future, though, try to pay attention in lessons. It's disrespectful to the person standing in front of you." **And dragonriders do not deserve disrespect** P'nal thought to himself. Still, he remembered being a young boy from the crafthall and trying to figure all of this out himself. That hadn't even been during the Pass.

"Very well." Aluka gathered the papers and charcoal stick he hadn't even bothered to use and stood up. "Thanks," he said quietly.

"Aluka, if you ever have questions, I'm sure E'naer wouldn't mind answering them. If you see me around, though..." He left it hanging open as he let the boy leave, walking out behind him.

"Mm," was all the redhead said.

Last updated on the May 25th 2014

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Disappointment