I'm Sad

Writers: Eimi
Date Posted: 19th January 2006

Characters: U'kaiah, Kaiafel
Description: Kaiafel comes to talk to his father about Jaela's death
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 9, day 13 of Turn 3

U'kaiah looked down on the small stack of rolled messages before him. He hadn't wanted to look at them after what happened. He didn't want to face the questions he knew they would be asking, and so he had put them off as long as he could stand it, but the pile just stayed there, staring at him day after day, mocking him. Finally he gave in, determined to read them, and be rid of them, and then maybe he wouldn't have to _think_ about this anymore.

Many were from old acquaintances who had left the Weyr that had heard of Jaela's death and wanted to get all the juicy details. It made U'kaiah's stomach turn at how the manner of her passing had turned into fodder for gossips. Eptopic pregnancy... whose baby was it? Did she know she had been pregnant? Was she awake when she died? Who is the new Weyrwoman? Is she nice? Is she beautiful? Have you slept with already? He threw the last one down in disgust. Shards, but he really hated people sometimes. He picked up the one from the River Bluff Weyrhealer. The bronzerider knew he could at least trust _her_ to not want to know all the gory details of Jaela's medical condition. Shards, she could probably explain it to _him_. He flipped it open and quickly read the short note in Abrei's healer scrawl. His eyebrows raised slightly in surprise. It was... kind. It was friendly, even strangely comforting. Perhaps he should go see her. It would be good to get out of the Weyr again. He had been doing that a lot lately, but it felt good to get out
- to get away. Here he thought too much, and he didn't like thinking about what had happened. In fact, he did everything he could to avoid thinking about it. It just didn't seem to work sometimes. No, he shouldn't go see her. If he did, he would just have to talk about it. She's a healer, she probably would be worried about his mental health or something. Tell him to go see a mindhealer. Tell him that it was all right to grieve, all right to think, all right to cry...

No. He had to hold it together. The Weyr was going through a big transition now. They needed him - D'wrayt needed him - to be strong, to be in control. There would be time later. There would be lots of time later to think. And who knows. Maybe later it wouldn't hurt so much.

}:U'kaiah,:{ his dragon crooned softly.

**Hmm?**

}:The boy is here. He's talking to me. I think he wants to talk to you. I think its important.:{ The boy? **Kaiafel is here? How long has he been there?**

}:A while. You were reading. He thought you were too busy for him.:{ "Come in here, son," U'kaiah called, turning around in his chair so he could see the ledge entrance.

The boy walked slowly in from the ledge, his hands neatly folded in front of him, his eyes looking down at the floor. "Are you busy?"

"No, son. I'm not too busy to talk to you. What's wrong?" the bronzerider asked gently as he stood and walked towards the boy. He reached out to gently ruffle Kaiafel's black curly hair. "What were you talking to Kalamath about?"

This brown eyes slowly lifted to look at his father's face. "We were talking about sweetrolls."

"Sweetrolls? Are you hungry? Is that way you look so down?" U'kaiah crouched down so he could look the boy straight in the face. "Do you want me to get you something?"

Kaiafel shook his head slowly.

"Are you sad, son?"

The boy nodded.

"Tell me."

"I went to the kitchen today. The cook was baking sweetrolls," the boy mumbled.

"And?" his father asked encouragingly.

The boy blinked his large brown eyes as they filled with tears. "And I remembered Jaela loved sweetrolls."

"Oh son," U'kaiah whispered as he pulled the child close. "I'm sorry Kaiafel. I know you and Jaela... were good friends."

Tiny arms wrapped around the bronzerider's neck, and U'kaiah stood up to his full height, his arms surrounding the child in a tight embrace.

"I miss her sometimes," Kaiafel whispered.

"I know."

The boy's chin trembled as he confessed, "I cry sometimes when I think about her."

"It's ok, son. Everything will be ok," U'kaiah said encouragingly.

"I don't know if the new Weyrwoman will like me," the little boy sniffed.

U'kaiah leaned back to look at the boy's face. "Of course she will like you. How could she not like such a handsome boy?"

Kaiafel shook his head skeptically. "But she might not let me wash her dragon. Or play with me in her office."

"You can always wash Kalamath. And you can play in my office if you want," the bronzerider offered gently.

His son shook his curly head. "Its not the same. Jaela would take me to the kitchen to eat sweetrolls."

"I can take you to the kitchen to eat sweetrolls if you want."

"No," Kaiafel responded with another sad shake. "Sweetrolls make me sad now."

U'kaiah was quiet a moment as he held his son tighter to himself. He could feel moisture invading the edges of his eyes. "They make me sad too son," he finally whispered.

**No, no, you can't do this!** his mind screamed suddenly. **Not in front of the boy!** He gently let Kaiafel back to the ground. "It'll be ok, son. Maybe we can get cookies instead," he whispered as he ruffled the soft black hair. "You can still eat cookies can't you?"

He suddenly couldn't look at his son. If he did he might lose it. U'kaiah took a few steps towards the door. He just needed a moment -
just a moment to get himself back under control. "Let me see if there are some cookies in the kitchen. I'll be right back, Kaiafel. You want cookies, don't you?"

"No."

"Then, scortch it all, what _do_ you want from me?!" As soon as the words left his mouth he regretted them. "Oh Kaiafel, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you."

The boy looked down at the floor, his hands crossing and uncrossing in front of him. "It's ok, Da," he said quietly. "I know you are sad too."

U'kaiah looked down at him for a long moment, almost stunned by the words the child uttered. He was a smart boy. A good boy. A loving boy. He had always seemed to bring the softer side out of the Weyrwoman. His father swallowed hard as he remembered the watching the way she was with Kaiafel, walking hand in hand to the kitchens, on the beach, in the infirmary. It had almost been like... a family of his own... and now it was over. It was gone - _she_ was gone - and his heart twisted in his chest as he realized, _really_ realized, that he would never see her again.

"Yes, son," the tears were burning now as he walked the few steps between them, his whole body suddenly feeling heavy. "You're right. I'm sad too. I'm sad too," he groaned as he felt his knees grow weak under the weight of grief unreleased. "I'm sad too," he whispered as he reached for his son and wrapped his arms around his tiny body. "I'm so sad, Kaiafel..."

The boy allowed himself to be pulled into his father's embrace, and wrapped his arms around the man in turn. He patted the bronzerider's back as his head fell to the boy's small shoulder, soaking his tunic with tears that had been held back too long. Kaiafel began to rock him slowly the way his foster mother always rocked him as sobbing wave after wave wracked U'kaiah, as he finally lost control. "It's ok, Da," son whispered, repeating the words of comfort his father had given him. "Everything will be ok."

Last updated on the January 19th 2006

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I'm Sad