A Picture of What Could Have Been

Writers: Ames, AL
Date Posted: 7th February 2013

Characters: Kaya, Wirnan
Description: Wirnan finds drawings of children, which spark a conversation between the pair
Location: Amber Hills Hold
Date: month 12, day 7 of Turn 6

Wirnan

It was nice to be able to relax at home for a change. No major work
today. It was a restday after all. While he wouldn't admit it, it was
also nice that Kaya was out and about for the time being.

True, he liked her companionship now, but when she was around it made
him ache for a relationship they could never have.

Moving to get some scrolls he wanted to exam, Wirnan shifted some
papers on the desk around. He reached for a scroll, but stopped when
his eyes caught site of a drawing hidden under the others. The pencil
lines just barely evident. He couldn't resist. He hadn't seen her work
in months.

Sliding the picture out, he realized there were more. He shuffled some
papers until he could see them all, then he froze. He was looking at
the faces of young children. His heart seemed to stop for a moment as
he gazed at them. He knew these children somehow. Kaya must have seen
them around the Hold, and so must he. Yet, he found he couldn't stop
looking at them.

The door opened, then it shut. It had been nice to get out, to just
walk around, breathe some fresh air. There were times when those
quarters, sizeable though they were, seemed to just close in on her.
There were times where she felt like she was going to suffocate if she
just didn't get _out_. It was worse when he was there, so she tried
to make herself scarce. Even so, she couldn't stay out forever.
Things had to be done, even on a rest day. At least she'd had the
morning to herself. "I'm back." She called from the living room,
though did it really matter if she told him?

He didn't answer at first. His eyes still drawn to the art. His
fingers had traced the jawline, the eyes. He shook his head trying to
shake a strange feeling that had come over him.

He left the pictures sitting out on the desk and carried the scroll he
had wanted to the living room.

"Did you have a nice walk?" He asked, trying to make conversation
between them, yet his thoughts continued to be drawn to the pictures.
Something so familiar about those faces, yet he couldn't quite place
it.

"It was fine." Kaya glanced at the scroll, then to the man who was
her husband though only in name. She turned away to pick up a rag and
begin wiping down the furniture. It helped if she could keep busy.
It helped if she didn't look at him.

"I'm glad to know you are still drawing." Wirnan said, trying to make
conversation. "I had thought you'd stopped. I'm glad you didn't." He
was _trying_ to make an effort but it was difficult.

"I did stop for a while." Of course, for a while her health hadn't
been good and she'd had very little energy to spare for something like
drawing. And, frankly, even if she'd had energy, she hadn't had the
motivation. Lately though, faces had been coming to her. She had
been wondering...and her hand had begun to move once more. She had to
admit to herself that she had missed it. The woman straightened then
frowned. Why had he brought that up? He must have seen the pictures.
Shaffit, she'd left them out. She should have put them away. Her
teeth worried her lip and she turned to go back into the other room.
She'd do that right then.

"I didn't realize you'd be out around the Hold much lately," Wirnan
added as she started to turn away. **How do I get her to talk to me?**
He wondered. "I recognize the faces of those children you drew, though
I can't quite figure out who they are. Where did you see them?"
Wirnan, of course, had assumed Kaya had seen the children around since
they seemed so familiar to him.

She paused only halfway to the doorway. Her hands twisted the rag
that she still held, tight and then tighter. She felt that strange
tightening in her chest that seemed to match the mutilation she
inflicted on the poor hapless cloth. "I...didn't see them." Kaya
turned her head just enough so that her profile was in view. It
wasn't her entire face, but even then the veil of sadness that
descended was etched in every line. "I...just...drew them from my
imagination."

Wirnan paused for a moment, watching her and taking in what she said.
He was confused. "But, they look so familiar. If you created them, why
does it seem like I should know them?" His brows were knit in thought
before he added, "Could I see them again?"

At first she wanted to say no. To scream it. To run and take those
drawings and clutch them to her, to keep him from setting his eyes on
them. She knew what they were...and since he had a right, could she
truly deny him? They were intimate drawings, and yet he was a part of
them as much as he was. "If you wish."

He was still trying to figure out why they seemed so familiar to him.
He waited a moment to see if she would retrieve them. When she didn't
move, Wirnan stood. "Shall I get them or would you like to?"

Did it matter? He could have gotten them. Why didn't he? She almost
opened her mouth to tell him to do so, but kept it shut. Instead, she
disappeared into the room only to reappear a moment later with the
pieces of parchment and the faces staring up from them. Some were
solemn, some were smiling. They were all different and yet somehow
looked familiar. Kaya turned away once Wirnan took them and resumed
her cleaning.

He thanked her for bringing them, but she didn't seem to hear him.
Taking the drawings, he sat again. Gazing at them. Flipping the pages.
Running his fingers along certain lines here or there. Muttering words
like 'familiar' and 'resemblance' under his breath as he squinted at
them, turning them, trying to find the missing piece.

Then, suddenly his eyes widened. Wirnan flipped through the pages
quickly, noting what it was that he'd realized. He gasped. "These are
us," he declared, then quickly amended, "I mean, they have parts of
both of us...was this...is this...our child?" He nearly choked on the
last words. His eyes looking towards her. The words may not have come
out quite right, but he was so incredulous he didn't know if he
_could_ make sense at the moment.

"I...I don't know." It got difficult to speak. Kaya's throat wanted
to close off, the shut off any words that would try to come through.
"Just..." They hadn't even been able to tell her if the baby had been
a boy or a girl. "I don't know." But she had wondered. What would
the child have looked like? Would she have had his eyes? Would he
have had her smile? SHe had tried and tried to form some sort of
image, one that would stay, but the face kept melting into other
faces, changing, never settling. There was no way to know. They
would never know.

"I didn't think you'd wanted the child," he spoke softly, slowly.
Still tracing the lines she'd drawn. "I wish things had worked out
differently," he swallowed past the lump in his throat. His eyes were
bleak as he gazed at her. "Would you have wanted the child knowing it
had been a part of me?" The hurt was evident in his voice, his tone,
his body language. She'd told him many months ago that it wasn't so
much the child, but him she hadn't wanted. Wirnan had tried to be

hospitable since then, but the wound was deep. He pretended each day
for her, for the others, but inside he was broken.

"I..." She what? Kaya had wanted that baby, though she had tried to
convince him and even herself she hadn't. Even after she had lost the
babe she'd convinced herself she hadn't. But the hurt had been far
too deep and she couldn't keep up the lie to herself. "I do too."
She whispered, her voice strained and choked. She swallowed, trying
to block out the memory. Six months had passed, but it hadn't gotten
easier. She wished it would. Even the pain of losing her former
betrothed hadn't been so intense for so long. "I...I need to clean
the bathroom." She needed to get away before she broke down again,
that time in front of him.

He felt the glimmer of hope stir inside him at her words. She hadn't
said she'd wanted him, but she _had_ wanted their child. That was an
improvement from where they'd been. He swallowed with difficulty. "May
I keep one of these?" He asked, his voice sounding a bit hoarse as he
fought back his own emotions.

"You can have them all." It was almost more than she could say. The
last two words contained a strangled sob and she quickly moved into
their bathroom and closed the door. She leaned against it, then slid to
the floor, the tears beginning to flow and the sobs coming more readily.

Last updated on the February 11th 2013

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A Picture of What Could Have Been