My Fault

Writers: AL, Ames
Date Posted: 13th June 2011

Characters: Wirnan, Kaya
Description: Wirnan apologises for his drunken behaviour and what he almost did to Kaya - and she, in turn, apologises as well.
Location: Amber Hills Hold
Date: month 2, day 7 of Turn 6

Wirnan

He awoke with a splitting headache and the smell of alcohol all around
him. A soft groan escaped his lips as he realized he _had_ to rise but
didn't know if he could bring himself to do it. What had happened? In
his foggy state he couldn't quite recall all the details of the
previous night with clarity. He remembered being upset with Kaya, and
going to the tavern. Clearly he'd allowed himself to drink far too much.

Sitting up, he felt his stomach start to heave and roil along with his
other more pressing need. As he pushed himself off the sofa he ignored
the ache of his body from the awkward way he'd fallen asleep. He needed
to get to the bathing room to see to his needs before he lost what
little contents were still lodged in his stomach. Thinking he would
slip into the bedroom without awakening Kaya he moved to the door only
to find it locked. Locked. Even with all the other things that had
happened between them she had never locked the door to him, knowing it
was the only way to the bathing room.

Wirnan stood there, blinking, trying to fathom what had happened when
he'd returned the night before. Flashes of memories seemed to be
jumping around in his mind, out of order, jumbled and not making much
sense. Then one very such image appeared in his mind. Him, almost
towering over her, even though he was by no means tall. His hand
wrapped tightly around her arm. He gasped even now as though someone
had punched him in the stomach. Shards, he knew he really _was_ going
to be sick now. Turning he looked around the room and found the only
container he could reach before he started to retch up the contents of
his own stomach. What had he done?

She could hear him in the other room. His movements, the sound of his
stumbling against the floor. A few moments later, it was the sound of
him getting sick. Shards, she'd have to clean that up. Kaya clung to
her pillow and buried her face in it. She didn't want to hear that.
She didn't want to hear _him_. She just wanted to curl up in a dark
hole and just stay there. Maybe forever. She just wanted to go back
and change things. Maybe she could have done something different.
Maybe...maybe she could have...she could have covered her tracks
better. She could have just left and gone to a different set of caves,
maybe she could have made it to another place where she could have
hidden better. Something. Anything. Anything but this. Anything but
to be the one who corrupted such a kind heart. And yet, she couldn't
go out to him. She had seen that anger, felt its grasp. She couldn't
pull herself out of bed to open the door and look upon him. She had
been desperate and Kaya clung to that. She hadn't meant for it to be
this way. But this was the way it was. And now she was paying for
it. Maybe she did deserve to be beaten.

He didn't know how long he stayed there, crumpled on the floor, spewing
forth his innards into the container. He'd never even realized that he
was crying. How had he managed to feel such anger? In that moment
Wirnan hated himself more than anything. If he could have picked
himself up off the floor and left, he would have. Anything to get away,
to forget about what kind of man he had been last night. He was no
worse than her father. That thought made him gag even more.

When he'd finally managed to keep the bile down, he pushed the container
away. Managing to stand, he wiped at his face, knowing what he had to
do. Standing at the door, he knocked ever to gently. "Kaya?" He spoke
softly, his head pressed to the door, his eyes downcast. "Forgive me,"
he whispered into the silence.

She heard him call her name, heard him scratch at the door. The
whisper was absorbed by the door and though it sounded like he might
have tried to speak again, the word never made it through into the
room. But Kaya knew he was still there, hovering, waiting. She
couldn't stay in there forever. She couldn't languish in bed all day.
She had to face him. She had to face what she had turned him into. It
was her fault he was like this and she needed to accept the
consequences of her actions.

So the girl moved. She slipped out of her bed and then donned a dress
as quickly as she could. Then Kaya moved to the door, hand
outstretched and coming to rest upon the handle. She didn't open it
right away, her breath quickening and she had to take several deep ones
to calm herself. She had endured it before. She could endure it
again. She was still leaving and she could still escape. If this was
her punishment, so be it. Swallowing, the girl unlocked the door, then
slowly opened it.

He'd never expected the door to open, so lost in the deep recesses of
his own thoughts. When it did, he didn't have time to catch himself.
Wirnan tumbled into the room, landing with an umpf onto the floor.

Kaya danced back and then fell upon the bed. She sat up quickly and
crawled to the other side, skirts in disarray until she stood up
straight. Her eyes fell upon the tumbled down form of the man and she
swallowed, but remained where she was, hesitant. Frightened.
Guilt-ridden.

He'd landed heavily on his right wrist, but he ignored it for the
moment. Looking up, his eyes blood-shot and so full of unquenchable
despair, he sought her. "Kaya..." he began, rising. He wanted to go to
her, to explain, but how could he? He didn't understand it himself.
"Shards," he muttered under his breath, running his hand through his
already mussed hair, only to wince at the pain he felt. He looked
towards the bath. "Please don't go anywhere," he begged, before he had
to dart into the room. He was lucky he hadn't made _another_ mess of
things. He half expected her to be gone when he emerged.

She wasn't, and Kaya hadn't moved from her spot, not even to put in
distance between them. Instead, she pressed against the wall, hands
flat against it, eyes upon the doorway as he stepped through. And when
he did emerge, she remained silent, watchful, fearful, and yet there
was a sense of resignation. As if she was willing to deal with
whatever he decided to do to her.

He saw the look in her eyes and hated knowing that he'd put it there.
Wirnan couldn't move from the doorway, couldn't find the words to
speak. He took a step, but what he saw in her reaction gave him pause.
She feared him now. He cursed himself.

"I'll get my things. I can stay with Dwidara or someone else," he
couldn't say it was because he knew what he had done to her, or almost
done to her. He swallowed with difficulty. He'd give her some peace,
some time away from him, maybe then she would see that he wasn't like
her father, but...what if he was? He thought he was going to be ill
once more. "I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you." He couldn't bear the
terrified look in her eyes. He moved across the room, away from her to
grab a few things and shove them into a satchel. "You don't deserve
someone like me." **Someone who can let his anger nearly ruin something
as beautiful as you,** but he couldn't say those words out loud.

It was not the reaction Kaya had expected. She had thought he'd go
into the bathroom, take care of what he needed and come out. Maybe
he'd yell at her some more. Maybe he'd hit her. That would have been
fine with her. She could have dealt with that. But this? He
apologised. He was then willing to remove himself from the picture.
It...made no sense. Kaya stared at him for a moment before she managed
to stammer. "But...they're...you're...supposed to stay here."

He turned and looked at her. Sorrow etched on his face. "I hurt you," he
stated simply. "I can't let that happen again." He turned back to the
task he was doing, though he found he had no desire to continue it. He
stood there feeling for all intents and purposes like a lost puppy in
the world.

Kaya swallowed. This was not what was supposed to happen. He was
supposed to yell at her. She'd changed him and she was supposed to
endure the consequences of everything. But there he stood, looking
mournful, hair and clothes a mess, a shadow over his face. Finally,
she took a cautious step forward. "I'll...I'll make us some tea." She
offered, then hurried past him before she could change her mind and
cower back in the corner again.

He followed her, not really sure why until he found himself standing in
the room gazing at her. "Kaya," he murmured, "I will _never_ hurt you
like that again. I promise," his tone was gruff from emotion. "Never
again."

She glanced up at him, but Kaya's dark eyes didn't linger. Instead she
set about trying to get that tea made, the water on to boil, the leaves
put into the sifter so they would be ready to steep as soon as the
water was at a boil. "It's all right." She stated after a few
moments, her words soft.

He didn't know what else to say, how else he could possibly make up for
what he'd done. He wanted to believe that she had accepted his apology,
but he dared not hope such things. "Do you want me to go?"

"They're...your quarters." Kaya stated, unable to look at him.
"And...I'm your wife. It's your right to do as you wish...with me."
She swallowed hard after the words left her mouth. She'd left herself
wide open with that last statement. Exactly what _would_ he do with
her? To her? He said he wouldn't hurt her. When she had first met
him, she would have believed that. After last night?

A man can change. And he had changed. And she had changed him. She
didn't deserve him, no. She deserved worse.

He didn't know what drove him forward. Maybe it was the words, maybe it
was the way she'd said them. He moved forward, reaching for her.
"Kaya," he murmured, wanting to draw her into his arms, yet he
couldn't. He did hold her arms gently. "I will _not_. You are part of
this. We are together. We have to work together. Please," his eyes
shone with emotion. "know that I won't force you into anything. _Ever_."

Kaya had taken a step back, but then stilled herself as he came forward.
Her body stiffened and she waited. Would he strike her? Would he
take her right then and there? She had said he could do as much. And
why not? It would be proper punishment for what she had done to him.
But instead his hold was gentle, though the girl could not relax, the
idea that he might change again, might raise his hand to her again,
might strike her. She wouldn't try to stop him, but her body reacted
none the less. "_I_ did this." She whispered, her throat tight as the
guilt came back full swing. "I...I've done this to you. I've changed
you." She wanted to cry. She should have never done it. Should have
just dealt with her father, with Favinar. They would have been better
than destroying a man whom she had cared about! "It's my fault." She
stated, then softer, just barely audible. "I'm sorry, Wirnan."

He did pull her to him then, his arms wrapping around her. "It's not
your fault. It's mine." He gently pulled her back and looked into her
eyes. "It's both of ours," he finally stated, realizing the truth in
that single statement. He reached a hand up and brushed his thumb
against her cheek. "It's not your fault," he whispered again, before he
leaned down and kissed her gently on the lips.

Kaya blinked as his lips fell upon hers, gentle, warm. She stiffened
in his arms, but didn't pull away. She had said he could do as he
wished. Even with her. She would hold to that promise. Her closed
her eyes, shutting them tightly. It was a sweet kiss. Tender in its
execution, but she couldn't relax though it was pleasant and something
in the back of her mind said she _should_ enjoy it. She
should...but....but...

He pulled away, having felt her stiffen against him. He wasn't sure
what had even made him do it. He eyed her curiously, wondering if she
would scream at him for taking such liberties. He released his hold on
her, nervously running his hand through his hair and wincing at the
forgotten injury from his fall. He didn't know what to say. The silence
seemed to stretch between them.

She didn't move. Didn't pull away, though he did. Her eyes remain shut
fast. She expected him to take her, maybe grab her and pull her into
the bedroom. To take her. To take advantage of his status as her
husband. She didn't dare look. Just stood there, body tense, tight,
and still with a sense of fear.

"Kaya?" He queried softly, wondering what she was thinking. He wanted to
touch her again, to feel her lips under his once more, but she hadn't
moved. What was she thinking?

She finally opened her eyes at the sound of his voice, a cautious
execution. Her hands came together, clasping each other tightly. Her
body was taught, like a wire stretched. "Y...yes?"

He sighed at her response. "I won't hurt you, again, I promise." He
didn't know what else to say, thinking she was still frightened of him
and what had happened last night. "I...I don't know why I did that," he
was referring to the kiss. Why did this have to feel so awkward?

"It's...it's all right." Kaya still didn't relax. Her hands slipped
apart, but only so her arms could cross over her, hugging herself.
"I...I mean...It's your right to do as you wish with me." She repeated
what she had said early but it was only stated with the slightest more
confidence than before.

His eyes burned with a fire in them, but not the kind she might have
expected. "Enough," he stated sharply. "I will _not_ treat you as
property." He'd had enough of _this_ Kaya. He wanted the one he'd come
to know back.

Kaya's jaw tightened, then released. What was she to say to that? But
why was she complaining? Most men didn't have that attitude. It was
the sort of thing that she'd never hear from her father, certainly not
from Favinar. He _would_ have treated her like property. So why was
this bad. She nodded slowly. "All...all right." And she couldn't
help but relax, some of that anxiety taken away at his words.

He nodded at her words. "It's agreed then." In his mind, at least, it
was. He would not touch her again unless _she_ asked for it as well. "I
need to get cleaned up," he stated, realizing how terrible he still
smelled.

"All...all right." Kaya nodded again, uncertain. He had agreed and she
found the tension leaking further from her body. Her eyes remained upon
him, watching him, as if he might change before her any moment.

At least it was a tenuous agreement. Hopefully it was enough to help her
realize he would never harm her, never treat her the way he had last
night. He only hoped he could forgive himself as easily. Now _that_
might be much harder to do. Wirnan turned and moved quickly into the
bathing room, not wanting her to see how badly his own actions and that
kiss had upset him.

Last updated on the June 17th 2011

Welcome to Triad Weyrs!

My Fault