Lost Children

Writers: AL, Ames
Date Posted: 23rd April 2011

Characters: Wirnan, Kaya
Description: Wirnan asks Kaya a question about having children.
Location: Amber Hills Hold
Date: month 1, day 20 of Turn 6
Notes: Takes place after "Visiting Family"

Wirnan

The visit with the family had been a little awkward. It was mainly awkward
when she tried to talk to Wirnan's sister and brother in law. With the
kids, she was fine. After it was over, she walked with Wirnan, arm linked
in his. It was all a farce, of course. Putting up a united front and all
that. As soon as they were both in their quarters, she released him then
slipped into the room. It was past dinner time, a good deal so, but Kaya
wasn't quite sleepy.

Tea seemed to be in order, so the woman set about getting water in the pot
and putting it on to boil in the tiny fire place. She could have sent for
some, but it seemed silly to do so when she could make her own quite easily.
She slipped the pot over the fire then straightened up, letting her gaze
linger on the crackle of orange and yellow.

He was lost in his own thoughts, he hardly noticed her actions. The dinner
had been very uncomfortable and he'd seen the looks his sister and
brother-in-law kept sending their way. He'd tried to act normal for them but
it had been hard. They knew he had not chosen this, and he couldn't hide
that from them. And then Wrice! Talking so easily about things of the past
that the rest of them found so much more difficult to share. Wirnan had felt
the deep pain in his heart again when the young lad had spoken of what had
happened. It wasn't something he liked to dwell on much for it left him
feeling aching and sad inside.

He finally glanced up when he noticed the sound of the kettle over the fire.
"I'm sorry dinner wasn't very pleasant," he finally said, breaking the
silence that had settled in the room.

Kaya looked up from the kettle and nodded - a silent acceptance of his
apology. She might have turned back to the kettle to watch it, but
something made her pause. His face was downcast, and sorrow glittered in
his eyes. Sorrow she hadn't seen there before. Was it the children? Wrice
had been so forth coming, but Wirnan, he had never mentioned anything about
losing his family beyond his parents. Not the children. "I'm...sorry."
She offered, her voice soft and almost mingling with the crackling of the
fire.

He looked up, his eyes showing confusion. "Sorry?" He questioned, "for
what?" Wirnan wasn't putting her apology together with what had occurred
during the dinner evening.

"About Essalor and Laenifer." The names were half whispered as Kaya leaned
over to check on the water though it was far too early for it to even start
boiling. "I...didn't know."

"Oh," he replied, not having expected that. His eyes filled with the shadows
of the past at hearing their names once again. "I don't talk about it much.
I was surprised Wrice was so glibe about it tonight. He's often very afraid
since..." Wirnan paused, looking away, and swallowing with difficulty,
"since the earthquake."

"He wasn't really glibe." Kaya countered as she straightened again and
turned back to Wirnan. "He was crying a little. I think it hurts him.
Perhaps more than he shows."

He couldn't look at her, nodding at her words. If she saw the hurt in his
own eyes, she would know how much he himself hid behind the happy exterior
he normally showed. Would she see the hint of tears that gathered in his own
eyes? "He's a brave lad," he finally managed though his voice was hoarse
from his own unshed emotions.

Kaya was taken aback. There had been a lot of emotion that had turned and
churned with everything that had happened but this? This was something
completely different. She'd not seen this side of him, this sorrow that
filled him - enough to make a man cry. Yes, losing someone special, a child
especially, could do that. Kaya took a step but hesitated. Then, another.
Her feet moved of their own accord and she reached out, one hand slowly
slipping to curl about his, sympathy colouring her features.

He did turn to look at her then. The sorrow in his gaze was deep. "I'd lost
so many in the past, but," he swallowed, "when I got to the hold after the
earthquake. I never expected to," he stopped and looked away. He hardly ever
spoke of this with anyone, even his sister for he knew how much it hurt.
"find them gone. I had thought," he was having a hard time _not_ letting the
memories of that day overwhelm him, "that I'd lost them _all_. I was close
to them. They have been all the family I've had," Wirnan's voice trailed
off, uncertain even why he'd opened up so much. His eyes moved to where her
hand rested on his. He found he liked that, her hand on his. He slowly
turned his hand upright so that he was almost holding her hand.

"I'm sorry." Kaya's words were whispered and when Wirnan shifted, her
fingers relaxed and curled around his. "I really am. Very sorry. I..."
She ahd lost someone. But it hadn't been te same. She'd lost her father,
though he was still alive. The closeness they'd had when she was a child
had vanished with her aging and had been lost to her forever. He had
changed when she had and for many turns she had regretted getting older.
But it wasn't eh same. Not at all. "I...wish I could help. Somehow."
And she found there was was complete truth in that statement.

"As do I," Wirnan replied quietly. "I wish I could have done more to save
them, but..." his voice trailed off. His eyes met hers and he saw in those
eyes something he hadn't seen since their marriage had been made. It was the
same thing that had drew him to her when he'd first met her. She understood
his pain, far better than Pimala had. He had thought he'd loved her, but
he'd learned then that she had not loved him in return. He was nothing but
an amusement to her. No, what he saw in Kaya's eyes was far different, far
more real that what he'd seen in those other eyes in the past.

For some time, Kaya stood there, her hand in his, holding it, offering what
glimmer of sympathy she could. Then she glanced over at the kettle, the
steam pouring forth from the spout. "Do you want some tea?" She asked, her
voice soft and, for the moment, hand still in his.

"That would be nice," he replied quietly, though in truth he didn't want her
to move. "Do you want children Kaya?" He asked, looking into her eyes. He
didn't know where the question had come from but suddenly he found he _had_
to know the answer.

The question was sudden and it caught Kaya by surprise. Her eyes widened
and she stared at Wirnan for a moment. Slowly, her hand loosened its hold
upon him and slipped from his grasp. She turned, making her way over to
sideboard and pulling out to tea cups to prepare the tea. Her back turned
to him, her expression twisted as memories came over her. Did she want
children? "I..." She started, schooling her expression so that when she
made her way over to the kettle, he wouldn't see the sorrow that marred her
features. "I used to." She finally finished, carrying the kettle back over
to place the tea inside and allow it to steep.

Her words surprised him. His breath caught in his throat. All he'd ever
dreamed of was someday having a family of his own. Was that dream also
shattered? "Used to?" He asked quietly. A new thought struck him. Could she
not have children? Could her father... No, he couldn't think that, else he
thought his heart might shatter in his chest that very moment. "You don't
want them anymore?" He asked, his voice barely above a whisper, his eyes
never leaving her figure as she moved about the room.

Kaya's breath quickened as the tears threatened to burst forth. She had to
take a deep breath, to calm herself. Conversations from a couple of turns prior
came back to mind. Conversations about her future. Their future. She
leaned heavily against the sideboard, eyes squeezing tight and a couple of
tears managed to escape. She couldn't think about that. There was no way
to go back to that. "No."

He felt his heart drop, his eyes finally moving away from her. She didn't
want children. He would never have the chance to be a father like he'd so
longed for in his life. He couldn't look at her, knowing she would see the
utter despair in his own eyes in that moment. Pimala had claimed it was
_him_, but he'd been devastated when the truth had come out. There _had_
been a child, but she had not wanted it to tarnish her merry ways. He'd
never even known. His heart still ached for that lost child that he'd never
know. Now there would be no filling the whole in his heart. If he'd been
alone, he thought he might have actually wept.

Kaya was on the brink of weeping herself, head bowed as she struggled to
gain control of herself. She had thought...always thought she would have
children. But they were supposed to have been with him, not Wirnan. She
should have had one by now. A baby. A tiny person to cradle in her arms,
one who looked a lot like her father. A gasp escaped, a half choked sob as
she realised she was losing control. She clung to that sideboard as if it
might give her the strength she needed to hold back.

He'd heard it. His eyes flickering towards her. In an instant he knew she
was in anguish. His eyes closed, realizing that his first assumption must
have been true. She could not bear children. Whether it was something she'd
always known or something her father had done to her. What else could
explain the despair he saw mirrored in her own form? Yet, he was rooted to
the spot, unable or uncertain if he could go to her. What comfort could he
offer her? They were strangers still to one another. Would that ever change?

"I...I need to...I need to go to the privy." Kaya barely managed to get the
words out before another gasping sob escaped. She turned and rushed to the
bedroom and through it to the bathing room where she threw herself in and
then leaned against the door once it was closed. Her head rested against
the wood and the tears that had threatened were allowed to roam free,
streaks down her cheeks as her sobs could finally be held back no longer.

He could hear the sounds of her sobs and his heart was torn into shreds. His
own emotion nearly overtook him. He couldn't stay here, couldn't let her see
him fall to pieces. That had been his undoing with Pimala. Rising, he
grabbed his jacket and took off for the one place he knew no one would
disturb him, the tower overlook, the place he'd taken her that very first
night. Wirnan moved like a shadow through the corridors, needing to get to
his own sanctuary before he lost all his control.

Last updated on the April 29th 2011

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