Stalemate

Writers: Eimi, Paula
Date Posted: 8th November 2010

Characters: Corowal, Erassa
Description: Corowal and Erassa try to discuss their situation and end up stuck again.
Location: Emerald Falls Hold
Date: month 11, day 8 of Turn 5
Notes: Follows "Defenseless"
Mentioned: Sarban, Felyna, Erilite (not by name)

Erassa knew it was time for the kitchens to bring the Lord Holder his
afternoon klah. She braved the disapproving looks and asked, or rather
summoned up her most commanding voice to say that the Lord Holder had
asked, that she be allowed to bring it to him as she needed to give him
a book he had forgotten in his room. Had they looked close enough, the
would have found that it was full of children's nursery tales and
nothing important. She just needed to talk to him.

Tray, and book, in hand, she knocked carefully on his office door,
hoping that she had caught him alone.

"Get in!" Corowal called, his voice muffled because he was holding a pen
in his mouth and expecting it to be Sarban. He was concentrating on the
map spread on his desk and he was using string to measure distances.

Erassa couldn't help but cock an eyebrow slightly at the summons. "Is
this a bad time?" she asked, eying the papers strewn about.

"It's always bad time when you're a lord holder," Corowal grinned and
spat the pen out of his mouth. "Close the door, please," he said. "I
could use a break."

She did as he asked and brought the tray over to the desk. "Is there
somewhere I can set this?" It looked rather covered at the moment.

"Here, I make some space for it," Corowal replied and rolled up the map
and put it aside. He also moved few piles of hides.

She set the tray down in front of him and began pouring him a cup of
klah. "I wanted to apologize, and thank you, for yesterday."

"There's no need to," Corowal said, meaning both apology and the
thank's.

"No, I do," she said, folding her hands in front of her. "When I have
needed you, you have always been kind to me. Even though I haven't...
given you what you want. But I will not forget that kindness."

"I...I tried to put you behind me, but that doesn't seem to be a
success," Corowal said after hesitating a bit.

She looked down at her entwined fingers, afraid to look him in the eye.
"I have to admit, that means a lot to me. Especially right now when so
many people who once loved me have found it all to easy to put me behind
them."

"Why now?" Corowal mused.

"It was my father's birthday gift, I suppose. To finally get rid of me.
And Beleran." She closed her eyes, feeling a stab of pain at that.
After the pain she had caused him, she knew she probably deserved his
scorn and rage. But her son? He was just a baby! And bastard or no,
his grandson. And yet he was also the evidence, the focal point of
their shame.

"Are you all right?" Corowal asked, leaning forward and taking her hand
to his.

"No," she said softly, shaking her head as she finally lifted her
tear-filled eyes to his. "It will never be all right." But she gave
his hand a grateful squeeze that he had cared enough to ask.

Corowal was feeling bit of a guilt. Was it his cold treatment of her
that had prompted others to treat her badly too? He had made it clear
she had fallen from his favour. On the other hand, if it had, then it
has been only her family's fear of him, that had kept them doing it before
and that didn't speak very highly of them. Or so he told himself.

"Please don't look at me like that," she pleaded. The concern in his
eyes was almost too much for her to take.

"I tried to do the proper, right thing. And here we are again, circling
the same old pot," Corowal sighed.

"I'm sorry." They were back there, and she should be glad of it. It
meant security of a sorts for her. And yet she couldn't be glad of it.
Everything was changing now that there was nothing to hold her to that
spot. Should she stay? Or should she escape? "I don't know what to
do."

"Neither do I. Whatever I do, someone gets hurt," Corowal said, sounding
sad.

"I could go." Faranth knew there was little reason for her to stay now.
She had only come back to this place to be near her family once more.
"I hear Sun Stone is looking for new people, and there are plenty of men
in need of a wife. Even a used one."

"That would hurt the children. After Ofelia's death, you became their
mother. Shards, you're the only mother the younger ones remember,"
Corowal said.

"I do love your children," she confessed. Erassa knew she could always
count on their love. Children were more forgiving and loyal than adults
had proved to be. "But I want children of my own, too."

"Yes, I know." Corowal was stuck with his promise to Felyna. No
bastards.

"So I have no choice, Corowal," she said with sad, helpless shrug. "I
either stay here and borrow someone else's children, or I leave and
marry some stranger, but at least my children would have a father."

"That's where we are stuck. Of course, you could try to appeal to my
lustful nature and make me forget my commitment to Felyna," he said the
second sentance in joking tone, but he was only half joking.

She pulled her hand away, slowly. "So you could _truly_ make me a
whore, just for your gratification? Because that's what I'd be. Not a
mistress with the minimal protection that title would provide for me and
my family. But just a slut with you panting over me like I'm a bitch in
heat. You say you love me, but you would do it in a moment if I offered
myself to you for free. And I would be doubly screwed."

"And here we are again," Corowal leaned backwards and crossed his arms.
"I wouldn't make you a whore, but you don't believe it."

"What if I were to find myself pregnant?" It was a rhetorical question.
She already knew the answer. "You'd deny me and the child. What is a
whore but a dirty little secret?"

"If it was my child, I would not deny it," Corowal said. At this rate it
was very unlikely to happen.

"No, but you would send me and the child away. That's just as bad, if
not worse." She would not forget his admission that he could be
ruthless, that he would put his feelings aside and do what had to be
done.

"That is rather pointless speculation in this situation," Corowal said.
He couldn't exactly deny her words, although he wasn't sure what would
happen.

"It _would_ happen, Corowal. I would have it no other way. I will not
give up the idea of having more children, even if I have to marry a
stranger in a far off Hold to do it." One who would not be ashamed to
claim them for his own. "So I would say this is _exactly_ the point."

"If you can someone who loves you and you love him back, I wish you two
all well," Corowal said.

"I'd settle for one who isn't ashamed of me at this point." Erassa
hated the way her voice cracked as the memory of her father's face came
back to her.

"Those kind of men doesn't grow on trees."

"Not in Emerald Falls they don't." She closed her eyes, shaking her
head. What a fool she must seem to him. When she had been in love, she
left her home, her family behind to follow after B'lion. Corowal
couldn't even give her the assurance of recognizing his own children.
"You know, I may be less of a woman for giving birth to a bastard, but a
man who can't take responsibility for his own children... He isn't a
man at all. Even if he does have the title of 'Lord' before his name."

"Who says I don't take responsibility of what is mine?" Corowal was
getting angry now.

"You have until now," she conceded. But they were not talking about
what was past. They were talking about a future. Not just a possible
future, but in her mind a probable one. "You have a wife, I am well
aware. You are committed to her for the rest of your days. But what
about _me_? What would be your commitment to me? And to _our_ family?
So far it's just use me as long as it's convenient and send me as far
away as possible as soon as things might get uncomfortable. That's not
a man. A man makes promises and keeps them! A man doesn't use a woman
and get tired of them and move on to the next best thing! A man doesn't
send his children away from him because he's ashamed of them!"

"You have made you stance clear. I don't think we have any more to
discuss," Corowal said, his voice turning cold. It was either that, or
throwing her out. She could really jerk his leash.

"No. We don't." Erassa turned for the door, taking slow and deliberate
steps to calm herself. She could not leave the Lord Holder's room with
tears in her eyes. No one should know they had spoken of anything but
business. They already were keeping dirty little secrets from the
world. It was exhausting. But she stopped with her hand on the door
and turned back to face him. "You know, it's sad. I always had so much
love I wanted to give. But if children are the only ones who can love
me without conditions, then they are the only ones I can share it with."

"It is a tragedy," Corowal agreed very silently. Shards, he wanted her
for himself so badly!

Last updated on the November 20th 2010

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