The Price of Security

Writers: Clancey
Date Posted: 14th July 2010

Characters: Felyna
Description: Felyna gets lost in thought while she rides home to Hidyn Hold.
Location: Emerald Falls Hold
Date: month 9, day 23 of Turn 5

Felyna

"You'll be missed."

He had said that, but she had known he was lying. She had never thought he could lie that well to _her_, or that he would try. But then, in his defense, she also thought he was putting up the front she'd asked him for; that their marriage be seen as perfect in the eyes of the Hold. Perfect. And if it was perfect, then he should say he would miss her, and he might actually feel that feeling.

If it was Perfect.

But she knew, and he knew, that it was not the marriage she'd dreamed of as a little girl.

She thought that Erassa might know it too. And that angered her a little. She dismissed that feeling as uncharitable though, knowing that Erassa's situation was not her fault and that the foster mother really had few choices. Unless Corowal became an idiot and put Felyna aside for Erassa. She doubted even he was _that_ much of an idiot for love. And she was certain that he loved the foster mother. Certain. Before her heart could break open, she shoved that emotion back too, fighting the 'mask' into place.

Now she held her churning thoughts behind a screen of confidence and security. She had been born and bred to this position - Lady Holder - and she was very, very good at it. She knew when to interfere in the Kitchen, when to stay out of the way. She knew when to be an asset to her husband and when to simply smile and look pretty for him, which was by itself an asset in some situations. She had a brain behind her pretty face and she _used_ it. She had been trained to do that by her mother, the same way her mother had been trained.

There was a secret to being a Southern Lady that not all her well-born peers seemed to grasp. The secret was a very a simple one. Be a Lady, and be so good at being a Lady that you were immediately forigven any 'oddities', like having a brain, or a penchant to race runners. Just _be_ what they expected, and then change their expectations to match what you truly were. The adventure of her life was simply that - how exciting and interesting to work all your life at changing expectations, and tweak the noses of the Southern continent male population at the same time.

Well it seemed more simple to _do_ than say. She smiled to herself, and cast an eye around for the boys. There were guards riding all around them, and one near to Ofewal, who had indeed managed to read while he rode. So far, so good. Corofel seemed to just be enjoying the ride itself.

Her eyes remained on the boys while her thoughts leaped off again.

Yes, she wanted adventure. What person, male or female, did not? Some people found their adventure in books, like Ofewal. Some people would have real adventures, like she expected Corofel would, when he was fostered. And he would be soon, she knew.

Some people had the _best_ adventure ever, and they were dragonriders. Some people had adventures they didn't want, like Erassa.

And some people simply were _free_ to do as they wished, like traders and some of the Crafters.

For her, as she grew older, and grew into her role as Lady Holder, the adventure was even more complicated and subtle. For her, the adventure was in leading the life she had been born to, and was so well suited to, but doing it _her_ way. Her blue fire lizard chittered at her, then, as if in agreement. Her smile broadened. Xebex was always here to have adventures with, and she was thankful for the pictures and adventures he sometimes shared with her, in his limited fashion.

She had not _wanted_ her lot in life, any more than Erassa wanted to be so dependent on Corowal for everything. But in Corowal she found someone who appreciated her as she was - smart, mischievious, and beautiful - and seemed set on enjoying her.

But why didn't he _love_ her? She was quite certain she could fall in love with him, if she lowered the guard on her heart for even one breath. What was it about Erassa that he _loved_ that she couldn't give him?

Her eyes strayed back to the boys. No, she could give him more children.

Between the furs? No, she was very good at that 'responsibility' and happened to enjoy having a man, the way her mother had shown her.

Needy? Well, she did need him for a husband; a woman of her station tended to marry well. She did need him to be a father to any children she might have. And she did need a future as a wife and a mother. He gave her all of those things.

But they were just ...things. She did not need him emotionally, or at least, she had portrayed that image to him from the beginning. That was turning out to be the only miscalculation she had made, so far.

What a shock to find out she wanted _love_ on top of security!

She laughed to herself, shaking her blond hair back from her face. Bright, bold green eyes looked toward the road ahead, trying to understand what was going on in her mind.

Erassa needed him for lots of other things, and Erassa seemed to want...or need... a family in the sense of _family_. Felyna had a family. A large one, with 3 bothers and 2 sisters besides her. She had parents that loved her and siblings she loved and loved her in return. She had a husband, and a place that was very much like a family, even if it had not been originally her family.

Perhaps that is the ache Corowal was trying to fill in the younger foster mother... 'family'. Corowal was a man, and men all needed to be needed. They needed problems to solve and women and children to care for, and protect. Felyna needed very little of _that_ sort of protection from him, or at least she had convinced him of that truth. Erassa needed it all.

Those bright green eyes never wavered, despite the pain stinging her heart.

So it seemed she had given up much for security. Much more than she had expected to give. She stroked Xebex' side as she rode, trying to calm her heart and her mind enough to deal with her own family. She loved them, and they were beyond pleased that she had married well, and the her future was 'secure'. But they reminded her of some things she might never have, because of this choice she had made.

She wondered, then and there, if the price of security had been worth it.

She supposed, in her normal, easy way, that time would tell.

Last updated on the July 17th 2010

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The Price of Security