Being the Weyrwoman
Dragonsfall Weyr
Amber Hills Hold
Vintner Hall
Healer Hall
Hidden Meadows
Dolphin Cove Weyr
Dolphin Hall
Emerald Falls Hold
Harper Hall
Printer Hall
Green Valley Hold
Leeward Lagoon Hold
Barrier Lake Weyr
Sunstone Seahold
Citrus Bay Hold
Writers: Avery
Date Posted: 15th January 2009
Characters: Kapera
Description: Unable to sleep, the Weyrwoman broods about choices that dissatisfy her.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 13, day 27 of Turn 4
Notes: Mentioned: Teseada, J'nus, U'kaiah, Y'nub
She had no idea why she'd done it. She'd intended to probe Teseada- discreetly and gently, of course!- about her relationship with her family. It was supposedly to make sure that her performance wasn't going to be interfered with by the conflict- or that's what she would have told anyone i she asked. And to a certain extent, that was true. It was also true that Kapera was nosy. And it was also true that she had wanted to see how Teseada felt about her family. She was selfish; she wanted to know if she was the only goldrider with dysfunctional familial relationships.
When she'd left home Turns before, she'd wanted to escape getting married off to a strange man who would be decades older than her. She hadn't had much of a goal beyond that. She'd thought first about leaving the territory of her family's hold, and next about getting to a seaport so she could leave the continent. She'd wound up at Jade Harbor after a few sevendays, and then she'd booked passage on the first ship leaving the South. She'd wound up at an island Hold under the protection of Windswept Islands Weyr, and hadn't known what to do with herself. She didn't want to get married, since that's what she ran from, and she was afraid of trying to learn a craft so late. She'd discovered an ability to bake while in the kitchens, and had worked exclusively with the hold Baker for nearly a turn.
Then she'd been Searched to the Weyr, and Impressed the gold on their Sands. Weyrlinghood drove any thought of becoming a Baker apprentice out of her head. After Weyrlinghood she continued to spend her restdays with them. But then Thread started falling less than a Turn after they graduated, and well... now riders could still pursue crafts, but it took far too long to advance. Sometimes, though, she missed it- missed working with the dough, the way if she applied the right heat and made the right balance, she could create something wonderful. And it was all hers, not a joy she had to share with anyone else. If she'd apprenticed, would it have still been a joy, or just an obligation?
When was the last time she'd done anything for the simple joy of it?
Probably when she bought that red blanket at the Gather with J'nus.
Shards, that seemed awhile ago. She really needed to treat herself more. At least to simple pleasures. Funny, that- she could give into the physical passions fine- good food, good wine, good bedmates. But those didn't nurture the mind. Except for the occasional reading, she really didn't do anything for herself.
Truth be told, she was lonely. Talking with Teseada had assuaged that some. She wondered if the other goldrider would ever- could ever- become her friend. They were both young, they had both not expected this much power, this fast. It gave them something in common. And she was lonely, so depperately lonely. Teseada wouldn't want anything from her but friendship, right? Not like the men. And it would be nice.
Why had she ever wanted to be Weyrwoman? She'd Impressed gold and then everyone had fawned over her, and they fawned more over the Weyrwoman. She'd wanted it, needed it- needed the validation, the assurances that she was special, brilliant, precious. But she hadn't realized how...empty it was. She was a prize. She was something to be pampered, yes, but then to be fought over. Cherished when won, coveted when elusive. But that reduced her to an item, and while it fed her ego, it didn't nourish her. It didn't give her friendship, and it certainly love.
But then again, she hadn't helped it, had she? B'ron had hurt her by treating her as an object, and then she'd done the same to every other man she'd bedded since. They weren't people with feelings most of the time. They were just bodies that could satisfy her body, giving and receiving satisfaction for the physical. That was objectification- she did to them what they did to her. And for what? What did it bring her? Nothing. Except a reputation as a slut, and men who came to her seeking only the physical, _offering_ only the physical.
This was being the Weyrwoman. Alone, unable to trust the motives of men. Bronzeriders slept with you to win your flight. Brownriders tried it too. Everyone wanted something. Well, maybe not everyone. Blueriders...they were safer. They didn't want your power, they just wanted gratification. That was easier. There'd even been the _very_ lucky candidate once in awhile, though not since she'd been Weyrwoman. Did they think bedding a goldrider would increase their chances of Impressing?
She was sorry Teseada had learned it so early. If she'd known about Y'nub's motives, she might have told Teseada herself. At the least she would have spoken with Y'nub about it. It hurt to be hurt like that, used like that. It shouldn't have to happen to goldriders. Riding gold shouldn't mean being alone. All those ballads about the Weyrwoman and Weyrleader in accord, lovers...a load of wherry dung, that one! She'd never seen it, and she'd sure as /between/ was cold never feel it.
She didn't feel like a Weyrwoman. Weyrwomen were confident, alluring...but smart, and decisive. They had a finger on the pulse of their Weyr, knew what was happening within and without, could make alliances, could defuse tense situations, could take care of their people. She wasn't that smart, or that in tune with the world outside the Weyr. And she didn't know how to inspire her people, to guide them and make them better. She just knew how to do stupid _records_ and to lead the Queen's Wing. She was a figurehead leader, not a real power. Not someone who could _do_ things.
She just wanted to be happy. To find someone who appreciated her for who she was. To do something that made her happy in soul as well as body. To be someone respected for _who_ she was, not the color she rode. To be someone who she could be happy being. And she wanted to be someone who could understand what her weyrfolk were feeling and what they needed. Someone who could lead, inspire, comfort.
Then, she would truly be Weyrwoman.
Last updated on the January 20th 2009