Reputation to Maintain

Writers: Avery
Date Posted: 2nd July 2007

Characters: Kapera
Description: Kapera's work leads her to thoughts of her past and a sleepless night.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 4, day 13 of Turn 4

Kapera

She was bored, very thoroughly bored, and it was only the middle of dinner time! For once, she had no arrangements lined up for the night. That was the trouble with being the Weyrwoman's Second instead of 'just' a junior goldrider, Kapera decided. The invitation to dragonpoker, parties, and the like were less common now. Apparently, she thought darkly, people didn't want to run either the risk of fleecing all the marks off their weyrwoman or of losing all their marks to her. Why they were more scared of it now that she had a bit more rank, she wasn't sure. How much of a difference was there between a Weyrwoman's Second and a goldrider? Only more hidework, as far as she was concerned, but apparently there was enough to scare off many of the people. Or maybe it was just a Dragonfall thing?

Whatever the reason, she knew she was mingling with company far less than when she was at Windswept Islands. She didn't know, but she did know it was a shame, really. She liked the company, the excitement of being around so many people as opposed to just cooped up alone in her office, the ability to drink and lose herself in the crowd and the fact that things usually wound up sexual with someone by the end of the night. It meant she went to bed late, tired, and didn't dream much.

She'd gotten up before dawn, unable to sleep, and started working. She'd completed her assigned work for the day before dinner, and had even stayed an extra half candlemark in the Records Room just to avoid going back to her room alone. After that, she'd gone to the Dining Cavern to have a cup of klah while waiting for someone to approach her. After all, a goldrider, alone- surely one of the Weyr males would approach her, right? But it hadn't worked quite as she intended. No one had approached her- well, that wasn't entirely true. No one had yet approached her for anything sexual, which was all that mattered to her at the moment. Dinner and maybe flirtation with the promise of more was good enough on any other day- she liked courtings that lasted some time before their inevitable end in sex, it boosted the anticipation. Today, though, she only wanted sex, and it seemed there were too many busy people and not enough free and attractive males. She needed that, craved that release, the losing herself in passion and sensation and something, anything that wasn't wandering thoughts and especially not memories.

She drained the last of her now-freezingly-cold klah and headed out of the Dining Cavern. There wasn't anyone here who she was going to have sex with to distract herself, and the hustle and bustle was too loud and too bright. She wasn't in a company mood anymore- there was no way to stop thinking. She might as well sit in her weyr and brood. Kapera entered her weyr, turned down the illumination, and laid on her bed.

Shards. Memories. Kapera had been sorting records of tithings, and she'd had memories of the past come back up while she was working on them. Her home, and the way her parents had treated her, and everything that she was supposed to do and learn. She remembered being the one to create the tithes that they would send to the hold over them, because her parents were always showing their hold and Sepedet to their guests to try to find an appropriate man to marry the elder daughter and inherit their hold. She had been good at the tithes, which is why her father had eventually just let her do it and then review it. It wasn't like Kapera was _stupid_ or anything. Inventorying supplies and tracking them and creating tithes wasn't hard. Just because females were used to arrange a marriage didn't mean that they couldn't do all the things to manage a Hold, and she'd wanted to run her own Hold and not be a man's puppet.

}:But you are here, and it is better.:{ Riyanth quietly interrupted. She hated when her rider got like this, remembering times-before-her and feeling very unpleasant to the gold's mind. }:You have a Weyr now and not a Hold. You have me. I am worth more than a Hold.:{ Kapera couldn't really argue with that. A Weyr had far more freedom than a Hold. If she had a Hold, she'd be restricted to one partner or have to be very discreet. Fortunately, she didn't have to do that here. And while she might have more control of the Hold, rather than the division of responsibilities- for she was confident that she would have full control if she'd been a Holder's wife- she'd still be looked down on by some. Here, _everyone_ respected the Weyrwoman. But, of course, as Weyrwoman she didn't have sole responsibility over the Weyr. And she wasn't even the Weyrwoman!

}:We will be.:{
**_Corvera_ is Weyrwoman.** Kapera's mental tone of voice was vicious, since no one else could hear her but Riyanth. **We aren't.**

}:We will be.:{ Riyanth said calmly. }:We will have a Weyr.:{
**I want this Weyr. I want it now. I want...**

What did she want? Why did she want a Weyr as hers? To have more time spent frittered away in an office or in the Records Rooms, checking tithes, inventorying supplies, doing hidework? To lead the Wing every time except when Riyanth clutched? She did all that already, except for the leading part. What difference was a Second and a Weyrwoman?

Power.

But why? Just so that as she passed, people would call her Weyrwoman? She was already referred to that way anyways. She had all the perks of being a goldrider already, the biggest difference was the workload and the title, and did Kapera really _need_ the workload? She didn't need the title either- and yet she craved it. She wanted to be the face of the Weyr, the one that people looked up to, the one that mattered, not another goldrider.

}:You'll still do the same things.:{ Riyanth interjected. }:You know that.:{
**It doesn't matter. I'll be more as Weyrwoman.**

}:Will you?:{ Riyanth could have said more. Instead she closed down from her rider and went back to displaying herself in the last of the twilight to the nearby males.

Kapera was fit to cry. No one wanted her. What was the point of having the skills to run a Hold? She was at a Weyr. What was the point of applying them? She did the best she could and no one cared. No bronzeriders were lining up at her table to see her. No praise from Headwoman or Weyrleader or Weyrlingmaster or _Weyrwoman_ even or _anyone_. Even her gold was withdrawing from her. She had the basic skills to be a decent goldrider, but no one seemed to care. But if she was the Weyrwoman, surely everyone would be telling her how good she was doing, how she was a fine goldrider and leader to the Weyr in these times. She'd be worth something to people, instead of being the goldrider who was keeping things running behind the scenes but was seemingly invisible despite her gold.

Feck. She wasn't going to sleep. And after all this thinking, her brain felt fit to explode. She might as well go to the infirmary and get something for the headache, or at least to help her sleep. And not be seen doing it, either- Weyrwoman, Second, or junior goldrider, she had a reputation to maintain.

Last updated on the July 3rd 2007

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