Harder than it should be

Writers: Anwen, Eimi
Date Posted: 4th January 2007

Characters: Maiz, U'kaiah
Description: Maiz goes to U'kaiah for some advice, but gets more than she asked for.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 1, day 15 of Turn 4

**Indyath's rider?** U'kaiah asked as he set his book aside. Maiz? **Yes, tell her I'm free.**

}:Yours is welcome to come to our weyr,:{ Kalamath passed along to the green.

She wasn't certain if it was wrong of her, going straight to U'kaiah after talking with T'nac. The man was the father of her unborn baby, he had a right to be in her life. Logically, she knew that. But emotionally she couldn't accept it. She hoped maybe U'kaiah would help her talk it though. "Is everything ok?" the bronzerider asked as she walked into his weyr. "Indyath made it sound kind of serious."

"Oh, nothing too awful," Maiz assured him. "Indyath tends to blow things out of proportion sometimes. I just saw T'nac... and it didn't go very well."

"Well, if it upset you, of course it would upset her too." He pat the cushion next to him on the sofa. "I take it he knows now."

Maiz didn't so much sit on the sofa as curl up, her back against the arm rest with her knees tucked up and her arms around them. "Yeah, he knows."

This certainly didn't look good. "It didn't go well? Was he angry?"

"No, not angry really," she said thoughtfully. "Well, maybe a little angry because I didn't tell him. But not angry about the baby."

"Then whats wrong?" he asked, laying a hand on her knee. "He want to be a part of this, and I don't want him to. I know that sounds awful and mean, but..."

"Is this about before? About your dragonrider?" U'kaiah had gotten the impression that her history ran deep and dark. "Everything goes back to him in some way or another,"
Maiz said quietly. "He's my past. Don't they say you can't escape your past?"

"They also say there comes a time when you have to confront it." Just what did that bastard _do_ to her?

"I can't confront him," she said simply. She couldn't face H'kar. Hadn't she run all the way to Dragonsfall Weyr so she wouldn't have to?

And yet it seems as though she were fighting against him. "Well, I can say for sure that T'nac is not him."

Maiz nervously chewed at her lip. "I know that. And I know that I'm not being fair to him."

"I know you were treated wrong by a man before, but we're not all like that. I don't think T'nac wouldn't hurt you or the baby. And speaking as a father myself, I can understand his need to be there. I really wasn't, and its something I regret now." He gave her knee a gently squeeze. "Of course its your life, and its your decision. That's just what I think."

"I know I'm horrible for not wanting him in my life.
We can barely talk to each other. How are we supposed to co-exist while raising a child?"

"Now stop that, Maiz. You're not horrible." His voice was firm, but not unkind. "You don't have to _live_ with the man. You don't even really need to _see_ him after the child has been placed with a fostermother."

That brought up another issue. "I don't want to foster. I want to keep the baby. I know its not really common practice, but some greenriders do it..."

"Yes, greenrider who can no longer fly," U'kaiah reminded her sternly. "You are a dragonrider, Maiz. Your dragon and Thread come first. You cannot raise a child and fly in a fighting wing. Your interests cannot be that divided. You _know_ that."

She uncurled from her spot on the couch, in fighting mode. "This baby is mine and no one can make me give him or her up!"

"You knew that was the deal when you stood on the Sands, Maiz," U'kaiah said gently. Shards, he hoped it was just a temporary surge of pregnancy hormones and not a real challenge to the system coming on. "That is the price you pay for Indyath. But it doesn't mean you won't be her mother, or that you can't see her every day if you wish."

"I'm done talking about this," Maiz said, making her way to the door. She was fuming mad. How dare he say she couldn't keep her own child?

"Come on now, Maiz," U'kaiah sighed as he followed her to the door. "Be reasonable. You _knew_ it had to be this way."

"It _doesn't_ and it _won't_" Maiz stressed. "And you hardly have the authority to tell me otherwise."

That stung, U'kaiah had to admit. He was pretty sure she was going for the cheap shot. Taking a deep breath he pushed his bruised ego aside. "It will be that way, Maiz. That's not my fault. You are a dragonrider _first_. They've told you that from the day you Impressed. Don't make this harder than it needs to be. Your child will be raised by a foster mother, but that doesn't mean you can't be part of their life too."

She absolutely refused to give merit to what he was saying. Yes, she had been going for a cheap shot, but it was true too. He _wasn't_ the one who decided these things. She wouldn't let anyone take her child from her. "I'm not talking about this anymore," Maiz stated, continuing on her way to the door.

U'kaiah said nothing as he followed her. He hoped this was only a temporary hormonal surge that would pass soon. Otherwise, when reality set in, things could get really ugly really quick...

"I'm leaving. You're not supposed to follow," she snapped at him. "Yeah, well, it seems you want to throw all the rules out the door at the moment, why not that one?" U'kaiah muttered.

"Why do you care what I do?" Maiz asked bitterly. "Why should any of this matter to you? We shouldn't even be fighting about this! Its none of your business what I do! You're not in charge of me, I'm not your werymate.
We're not even in the same sharding wing! Why can't you just leave it be?"

"I'm sorry, Maiz. I didn't realize we had to be wingmates to be friends. I've never put conditions on what people I will care about. You are really starting to worry me here."

The greenrider sniffled a bit, but refused to cry.
"You are not acting like a friend, U'kaiah." she said softly. "Sure I am. I'm telling you the truth even though I know you don't want to hear it. Friends do that."

She shook her head a turned away again. "That's just a convient excuse to allow you to say whatever mean and hurtful things you want."

Just where was this coming from?! "Have I ever said anything mean and hurtful to you before? I'm speaking sense, and if you stop being angry and just think about it you'd know it."

"Just leave me alone," Maiz pleaded. "I just want to go home. Please leave me be."

"I'm just going to close the door gently behind you,"
he promised.

She eyed him warily the whole way to the door. Until he indeed, closed it behind her.

Last updated on the January 6th 2007

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Harder than it should be