Fragile

Writers: Yvonne
Date Posted: 22nd August 2006

Characters: Thalia
Description: Thalia comes to terms with things her own way... or not.
Location: Garnet Valley Hold
Date: month 13, day 2 of Turn 3

Thalia managed not the slam the door behind herself when she reached her apartments, but she did turn the key in the lock. She turned, trembling, to face the empty room before her. It was a small sitting room, comfortably furnished, brightly lit by glows if she chose...
but right now she chose to leave it dark. She couldn't bear to see the tapestries and rugs, the paintings and dark, polished wood...
couldn't bear to see them because they reminded her that she was alone.

Alone.

Shards. She felt another tear slip down her cheek and fled to the relative sanctuary of her bedroom. The Lady crawled onto her bed and drew the curtains tight around herself before her control crumbled and she began to sob in ernest. Hot tears coursed down her cheeks, staining her pillows and falling silently onto sheets and into her hair. At least here in the dark, no one could see her... and with the curtains drawn, she couldn't see herself in the mirror.

Penryn was getting married - so what? He wasn't of the Blood. He was a _Steward_, a working man. And no matter what she thought of Ryaline, or how badly Ryaline had treated her when she was Assistant Headwoman and Thalia was Lady Holder, that was no excuse for wishing unhappiness upon her. She was a Lady of the Blood; Ryaline was nothing. **Of course she wants to be married,** Thalia thought miserably, **She doesn't have a title to hide behind.**

But oh, how she hated her title. Lady Thalia was a persona, a mask.
People bowed and said the right things to Lady Thalia and didn't care one whit about the woman behind her. Nobody cared if she was lonely, or if she was frightened, or cowed by the dark. She was a tool. A pawn. A Lady of the Blood. And she had no right to begrudge anyone else their happiness, not when she was cossetted and cared for and showered with fine things. **Not every woman gets beds like this, you ingrate,** she told herself sternly. In the next room over, little Aslian would be sleeping, watched over by his wet nurse. She clung to his memory, imagining the soft, baby smell of him and the way his little fingers curled around her own.
She thought of the way his soft thatch of blonde hair fell across his crown, and the way he kicked his feet and smiled when he was excited.
His laugh, the colour of his eyes, the funny non-words he babbled in an attempt to speak with her... and it helped, a little. No matter what, no one could take her child from her. And that was all she needed. Penryn had no children... maybe he wanted to be a father. How could her own selfishness deny him the pleasure that a baby would bring?
How could she deny him the comfort of returning to his wife's-
Ryaline's- arms every night, or of slowly falling asleep with her beside him, listening as their heartbeats slowed and slipped into synch. Selfishness was what it was; so she would lose their evenings together, playing cards or chess or sometimes pretending to play and simply sitting and talking instead. He wouldn't come to her garden anymore... why would he, when he had a wife to return home to?

The Lady sat up in her bed and rested her chin on her knees, loosely linking her arms around her legs as she bit her lip and tried to stop crying. Penryn made her laugh, complemented her shyly and without guile. He made her feel safe and wanted in a Hold where she was unnecessary... a parasite kept on for the sake of her child, the Heir. When she was with him, she could be herself. No masks, no stilted manners, no subterfuge or second-guessing answers. She wiped at her cheeks with the back of a hand and sniffed loudly. **And I shouldn't be upset. Penryn gave me a lot of his time because he is a kind man and felt sorry for me, no other reason. He'll probably be glad to see the back of you. He'll fall in love with Rialine and everything will be all right, you'll see.**

But even as she thought it, she knew it was a lie. Thalia could feel her heart breaking. **Shards... I don't want him to. But how was I supposed to know that I'd fallen in love with him instead?** She closed her eyes as the tears started again, and that night, Thalia cried herself to sleep.

Last updated on the August 25th 2006

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Fragile