The 'L' Word

Writers: Devin, Yvonne
Date Posted: 9th September 2021

Characters: K'mai, H'run
Description: K'mai and H'run have different ideas of what their relationship should be
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 8, day 28 of Turn 10

H'run

Perhaps it was the wine, perhaps it was the company, but H'run
couldn't remember the last time he felt this relaxed and... happy.
Some people had naturally sunny dispositions, but for him, happiness
was fleeting and to be enjoyed whenever he could capture it. He rolled
onto his side so that he could better study his bed partner's face.
"You know," he said after a moment, "I love the way that your
eyelashes cast shadows against your cheek. It's like... it reminds me
of summer clouds."

K'mai chuckled warmly. "What a wonderful image. Should I blink more
often for your enjoyment?" He fluttered his eyelashes.

H'run ran a gentle finger along K'mai's jaw. "Mmm. Please do. I love
everything you do."

Compliments were nice and all, but K'mai couldn't help thinking of
H'run's previous confession. It was a subject he wanted to avoid if at
all possible. K'mai captured H'run's hand and brought it up to kiss
his palm. "You're in a very good mood."

"Mmm. Why wouldn't I be? I have wine within reach, bedfurs above me,
and the man I love lying beside me. What more could I ask for?" the
bluerider said sweetly.

It was like he was trying to say that word as much as possible. "It is
nice to spend time with a very good friend."

H'run paused. "A... good friend."

K'mai could tell this was going nowhere good and tried to think of a
way out of it. "Is that a bad thing? A good friend is one of life's
greatest joys."

The other man sighed and rolled over, reaching for his glass of wine.
He took a moment to let the taste of it wash the bitterness from his
throat. "I had hoped for more. Foolishness on my part, I see."

Ugh. This would probably only get worse unless K'mai explained, or at
least tried to. He sat up, pulling his knees against his chest. "I was
weyrmated once, when I was younger, to another good friend. It didn't
last long. We hurt each other, and it was a long struggle to get back
to a place where we could be friends. When we weyrmated, I thought I
was in love with her because she was important to me and I cared for
her deeply. I _did_ love her, I still do. But it took me a long time
to realize that I don't..." K'mai frowned. "I don't love people in a
romantic way."

"I don't understand." H'run stared at his glass as if it contained answers.

"The way people talk about romance and falling in love, I don't feel
that way toward other people." K'mai shrugged. "I don't really know
how to explain it."

Perhaps K'mai was telling the truth and perhaps he was trying to let
him down gently; the end result was the same. He would be alone. H'run
chuckled bitterly. "Typical of me, to fall head over heels for someone
who can't love me back."

"Only in the romantic way." K'mai reached over to take his hand. "I do
love my friends, some of them very deeply. I know it might not be what
you want, but it's all I can give."

**Until you meet someone else.** The thought slipped in, unbidden and
unwanted. H'run squeezed K'mai's hand as he blinked back tears. It was
always like this. He was never _enough_. "I can't turn off my feelings
just because they are inconvenient for you. I am in love with you."

"And I can't force myself to feel things I don't," K'mai said. "Do
things have to change between us? Can't we go on as we have been?"
While he was genuinely happy for others who found romance for
themselves, whenever someone fell in love with K'mai it just caused
problems.

H'run swung his legs over the edge of the bed and stood, reaching for
his robe. He felt shattered and scattered, his link to Calcifeth the
only thing keeping him from shrivelling to dust and blowing away right
there and then. "I don't know. Can you stand me loving you?"

"As long as you don't think you can change me." K'mai watched him,
nervousness fluttering in his stomach. "I didn't tell you this because
I want to end things. I told you so you'd understand."

"And yet I still end up with a broken heart." He put a hand over his
eyes. "I can't... what's wrong with me, K'mai?"

"Nothing's wrong with you." K'mai slid off the bed and went to put his
arms around H'run.

He stiffened. "Don't lie to me. I realize it's a kindness on your
part, but-- don't."

K'mai didn't much like being accused of lying. "We have different
feelings, that's all."

"You make it sound like it's nothing." H'un put his head in his hands.
"Do you have _any_ idea how many times I've heard this, K'mai? How
many times people have told me... nevermind." He stepped free from
K'mai's embrace and reached for his wine again. "Every time I think I
find someone who might want me the way I want
them, they don't. Nobody does."

"I'm sure someone will. I know that's not very comforting _now_
but..." K'mai shrugged. He didn't know what to say as H'run seemed to
interpret everything in a negative way.

"You're right. It's not." H'run sniffed and wiped at his eyes with the
back of his hand. "I think... I'd like to sleep alone tonight, K'mai."
Better to be truly alone than suffer through the aching loneliness of
having the man he loved close enough to touch, but not be able to
reach him.

"If that's what you want." K'mai hated that things had gone wrong and
he couldn't think of a way to fix it. "Have Calcifeth contact Sebeth
if you need anything."

H'run curved his lips into something resembling a smile. "Thank you,
dearest. I will. But tonight I'm just... I don't think I shall be good
company, however much I wish to be."

K'mai squeezed his shoulder. "Whether good company or bad, you don't
have to be alone. I understand if you don't want to see me right now,
but reach out to someone if you need to, okay?"

H'run made a non-committal sound, hating himself for leaning into
K'mai's touch. "You should go."

K'mai sighed. "All right." It was like Gaiya all over again, but at
least this time he hadn't made the mistake of weyrmating. He could
only hope H'run would come around and they could still be friends.

Last updated on the October 1st 2021

Welcome to Triad Weyrs!

The 'L' Word