I'll Never Be Safe

Writers: Estelle, Miriah
Date Posted: 3rd July 2021
Series: The Assassin's Husband

Characters: Lusilk, Lorican, Silgan
Description: Lorican confronts Lusilk about her activities
Location: Sunstone Seahold
Date: month 10, day 6 of Turn 10
Notes: Mentioned: Bryvin, Olov

Lusilk

Though he tried to concentrate on his work in the forge, Lorican
couldn't stop thinking about what the guard had told him. He didn't want
to believe it, but he couldn't see how the young man would have made up
such a story out of nowhere.

Lusilk had been fighting.

All afternoon, the unfamiliar heat of anger burned steadily inside him
as he worked, and he had to keep a firm hold on his temper so as not to
snap at the apprentices when they made a mistake. The day finally came
to an end, but he knew he couldn't mention the subject in front of
Silgan. Luckily, the young boy chattered non-stop about his day in the
creche over dinner, so he listened and smiled as best he could, only
briefly glancing at his wife.

While she was putting Silgan to bed, he waited in the bedroom, and
remembered how he'd done so when she'd returned, unbelievably, to his
life. How he'd felt such relief and joy. How he'd told her she was safe
now, she could put her old life behind her.

It wasn't hard to notice the tension around the dinner table, nor
Lorican's silence and lack of his open affection that he normally
displayed towards both she and Silgan. There was an unfamiliar tension
to his jaw and shoulders, a terseness to his movements that alerted
her that all was not right. Lusilk tucked Silgan in and then moving
quietly, fingered her braid as she stepped into their bedroom. She
leveled a straight gaze at him. "So, what's wrong? You're as tense as
I've ever seen you."

"A man came by the smithy today. A guard. He had something to tell me."
Lorican made himself return her look, remaining tightly controlled
though the hurt and betrayal were evident in the lines of his face. "How
did you really get that cut on your lip, Lusilk?"

Lusilk took a deep, breathing sigh. She knew she should have had a word
with that blasted guard. She could tell him that she fell, but that
thin lie wasn't enough and it sounded trite. Besides, what was the point
of lying to him? But she didn't understand the expression on his face;
he knew what and who she was. So, as she began to unbraid her hair, she
kicked off her boots. "Sparring."

He was taken aback, and felt a moment's guilt that he'd expected her to
lie. It didn't last. His jaw tightened. "Sparring. With who?"

"A guard." She didn't provide the name; the last thing she wanted was
to have any conflict between Polson and Lorican. "Another guard came
on us with a wench and I had to..." Her lips pursed as she considered
her words, "educate him. He didn't enjoy the lesson." She shrugged
then finished with her braid, letting her hair fall down her back in
ripples that she shook out. "A cut on the lip is nothing, Lorican.
Shards, you gave me worse during your practices. It's not like I can't
take it."

"But what about the baby?" All of the words, the pent up anger and
dismay that had been swirling in his head since the young guard had told
him came rushing out. "What if it hurts the baby? It would only take one
mistake, one unlucky blow and... shards, Lusilk, why? Why would you take
the risk? You know you don't have to do that any more. You have a
family, a home, my craft to support you. No one is hunting you. You're
safe."

Lusilk stared at him for a long moment, her own anger at his idealistic
naivete surging to answer his own. Her eyes narrowed before she burst
out in a bitter, almost contemptuous laugh. "I don't have to do that
anymore? Do you seriously believe that? Do you seriously think that
Bryvin helped me out of the kindness of his heart?" She shook her head.
"I owe him a life debt. Again. I'd repaid it for the first time he
saved my life, mine and Silgan's. I am a valuable asset to him,
Lorican, one he didn't want to lose or waste. Do you honestly think that
he's giving Silgan training out of some sort of goodwill? He _never_
does anything without multiple reasons and always those that benefit
him. I _will_ be called on to repay that debt in a manner that he needs
or chooses. " The next words exploded from her. "I will _never_ be
safe! Silgan may. You may. But me? Stop being naive, Lorican!"

"And what, exactly, are you willing to do to repay your debt?" He felt a
chill ripple over his skin. In all the time he'd spent thinking about
it, he'd never imagined she was practicing her skills for any other
reason than to defend herself and her son. "Would you kill for him? Kill
an innocent person, who happens to be inconvenient to a powerful man?
Like you would have done to me?"

Her expression didn't falter at the accusation. "Thankfully, Bryvin
prefers other methods. He's never asked me to kill." Her lips remained
twisted in a bitter little smile, taking in the expression on his
face, the horror and grim reality that she saw settle in his gaze. It
hurt for him to look at her that way, but it was the truth of what she
was. She wouldn't tell him exactly what she had done for Bryvin in the
past; it was information he didn't need to know. "You knew what I was,
what kind of person I am." The way he was looking at her now more than
hurt and she gritted her teeth as she struggled to keep her voice down
to avoid disturbing Silgan. "I never hid that from you."

"I know what kind of person you _were_." He glanced at the wall that
separated their room from Silgan's. "I know your situation gave you
little choice. But I thought you'd given all that up, that we could live
together as an ordinary family. Shells, what if you get caught - or
worse? Do you have any idea what it was like, after I heard what
happened at Beryl Peak?" His voice cracked as all the pent up strain of
those awful days, the fear that he'd never quite acknowledged came
pouring out. "I thought of you, trapped. Alone. Burning. I knew I had to
tell a little boy his mother was dead, and I couldn't - I didn't know
how... I don't care what debts you think you have. Don't you _ever_
leave us like that again!"

"I'm _still_ that person. I've _always_ been that person!" She threw
up her hands. "Shards, Lorican, the first time I ever had to use a
blade on a man was before I was ten turns old! And I was stealing
before that!" Ordinary? What was he expecting of her? She didn't even
know what an 'ordinary' family looked like! Inwardly, Lusilk's
frustration grew even as she heard Lorican's voice break. "And if it
wasn't for Bryvin I would be dead. I would have left out for Thread if
not worse." She pointed out, tugging at the loose strands of hair that
fell over her shoulder as she would have her braid. "I can't promise
you that." She gave her hair a quick tug as her mind worked quickly.
She had to give him something. "I'm certain that Bryvin won't send me
on any errands away from the Hold while I'm nursing our child. So
until the babe is weaned, I won't have to leave. But I have to keep my
skills and reflexes keen, Lorican. I can't get sloppy. Don't you
understand that they keep me alive and they're what kept _you_ alive?"

"I know that if I hadn't agreed to steal, I wouldn't have needed your
skills in the first place!" Lorican burst out in utter frustration.
"These things are crimes, Lusilk! No good can come of them. And I should
flaming well hope that Lord Bryvin doesn't plan to send you away while
you have a newborn babe in arms. If he has a shred of decency he'll
leave you in peace to take care of your children." His jaw set. "I'm not
going to stand by and let anyone use you like that. Tomorrow, I'll go
and speak to him, and we'll arrange for me to repay this 'debt' with
honest work."

"It's not your debt!" She was quick to reply, "It's mine! I don't want
you involved in this more than you already are!" She gritted her teeth
again and rubbed her face, feeling a bit lost in how to explain it to
him. It had been so much sharding easier before when her life had felt
familiar, despite the stress of anxiety and tension. She'd been in her
element. But this? Why couldn't he understand? "You don't have to take
care of me! I take care of myself!" The last was a burst of words as she
struggled to speak the tumble thoughts that were roiling in her mind.

Lorican's eyes widened and he stared at her for a moment, her words
cooling his anger as if it had never been. Then he stepped forward,
reaching out to her as if to a frightened, wild creature. "We're husband
and wife. We take care of each other." His voice softened, almost
pleading. "We can deal with this together."

Lusilk stiffened even as his hands drew close. "I don't need anyone to
take care of me." Her words were soft, betraying just for a moment, a
sense of uncertainty and real vulnerability before she hugged herself in
an unconscious shielding gesture.

"I know. But I'm here, all the same." He met her gaze steadily, his hand
still outstretched.

She didn't take his hand. Perturbed by the very desire she felt to do so
and wanting to feel back on balance, she drew in a deep breath and
straightened a bit stiffly. "And if I need you, I'll ask. But this is
mine to handle," she insisted. "I'll speak to Bryvin myself about
duties and errands waiting until after our baby is weaned from my breast."

Lorican let his hand drop to his side, the flash of hurt in his eyes
quickly suppressed. "All right. We'll see what he says to you first. But
this discussion isn't over." He turned towards the door, picking up his
warm outdoor jacket from a chair as he went. "I'm going back to the
forge for a while. There's some orders I want to catch up on."

"Fine." She replied simply and moved towards the bathing chamber.
"I'll probably be asleep when you get home." No matter how quickly he
hid his emotions, they were easy for her to see; Lusilk knew that he
was hurt. But what did he expect of her? She wasn't anyone but herself
and he shouldn't expect anything different.

"That's good. I mean - you need your rest." He hesitated, as if he might
have said something more, then shook his head. "Good night, then."
Turning, he left the room. An hour or two of work in the forge, solid
and repetitive, would help him put aside his troubling thoughts, if only
for a while.

Though she went to bed shortly after he left, Lusilk lay awake for a
long time. She punched her pillow, stared at the wall and drew her
legs up, back facing where Lorican normally lay beside her.

Last updated on the July 21st 2021

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I'll Never Be Safe