What Is a Normal Life?

Writers: Eimi, Bree
Date Posted: 1st March 2006

Characters: Renner, Zanie
Description: Zanie makes a rather confusing confession to Renner
Location: Dolphin Hall
Date: month 10, day 10 of Turn 3

Renner smiled weakly and looked up at the sound of his name. "You know, if you keep visiting me like this people are going to talk."

Zanie smiled and perched on the side of his bed, patting his leg with one hand. "They'll get over it."

"I'm sure your father really wouldn't want you here visiting me." That thought brought a rather smug smile to his face. "Don't look so happy at the idea," she replied tartly, but her smile was just as wide. "But I don't care, Renner. I told you I wasn't going to leave you alone again, and I meant it."

"Zannie," he sighed, reaching out take her hand in his. "You can't come with me. I told you that already. Besides, why would you want to? It's just a whole Hall full of mindhealers and crazy people like me. It's no place for you."

"I care about you, you idiot." She squeezed his hand and smiled at him.
"I don't know how it happened, but I woke up one day and you were the best friend I have. So I'm going to take care of you for a while... and maybe someday you can take care of me."

"I thought I already did," he chuckled softly, remembering a couple of bumps and bruises he had patched up. Not all of them had been on the surface. "But Zanie, truly, I know I wouldn't have made it _this_ long without you. I know that much."

Zanie ignored propriety and slid up the bed, curling up against Renner.
"Even if I can't come with you, I can visit. And I'll be here when you get back, waiting."

Renner didn't want to mention that there was no guarantee that he would be _coming_ back... "Well, I would love to see you if you _could_
come." He put an arm carefully under her head. "I'll miss you, you know."

"I'll miss you, too." She'd spent enough evenings curled up with him that it seemed perfectly natural to snuggle back against him. She liked how comfortably they fit together... maybe it wasn't as exciting as D'cal, but she and Renner had something deeper than what she shared with the bluerider. Not for the first time, she wondered if she could make herself fall in love with Renner. Sometimes it seemed like it would be the perfect solution... "Shards, Zanie. I'm scared," he whispered. She was the only person he could actually admit things to easily. Zanie had been the only person who actually seemed to _care_ about him. Zanie slid a hand up to the side of his face, leaning up to kiss him softly. "You can be scared," she whispered, smiling at him. "I'll have you know that I'm brilliant, Renner... and I'm going to take care of you. No matter _what_ I have to do." Renner was too surprised to speak for a moment. She had kissed him once before, but she had been very drunk and grieving. "Zanie," he finally whispered, "what you thinking?"

Her fingers traced patterns on the side of his cheek as she looked up at him. "I'm thinking that I love you, Renner. Maybe not passion and romance and kissing on the beach when I should be sleeping... but I care about you a lot. More than--" D'cal's face flashed into her mind, but she pushed it aside. D'cal would have to understand. "More than anyone, Renner. We'd make good partners." "Zanie, I..." He took a deep breath, looking into her eyes, begging her to understand. "I can't be your partner. I can't... Listen, you have been the most wonderful friend I've ever had. I don't know what would have happened to me if you hadn't been here. But... I'm a mess. I can't..."

"Shhh..." She put a finger over his lips, stopping the flow of words.
"We don't have to talk about it now. I just want you to know that I care about you that much, okay?" She couldn't listen to him turn her down, because she still wasn't sure if she wanted to be making the offer she just had.

Renner lay quietly for a moment. He wasn't sure what to say to the sudden confession. Finally he just nodded. "All right. I understand."

For a moment Zanie said nothing. Then she sighed, tucking her face against Renner's chest again. "There is one thing you should know, Renner. I--I don't really want a husband, exactly. I don't want babies.
I just want... what we have. So just think about it... and if you want more, well, I understand."

"Zanie," he whispered, his voice hoarse with emotion. "I don't think I can give you what you need. I care about you very much... but... you deserve... a _normal_ life. And I know... I know I can't do that for you..."

She laughed, though it sounded more than a little strained. "What is a normal life, Renner? And who says it's so good anyway?" "But Zanie... I can't..." He sighed and wrapped his arms tighter around her. "We'll talk about it later."

"Later," she agreed, closing her eyes. Renner held her gratefully. Hopefully whenever later came, she'd have found someone who _could_ give her what she needed...

Last updated on the April 9th 2006

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What Is a Normal Life?