The Letter

Writers: Chelle, Yvonne
Date Posted: 29th April 2015

Characters: Harki, P'nal
Description: Harki finally reads P'nal's 'in case of death' letter.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 12, day 1 of Turn 7
Notes: Mentioned: G'nir

The letter stared at her from across the room.

Harki stared back, her chin resting on her hands as she lay on her belly in bed. The letter had stayed untouched and unopened since G'nir had given it to her after drills one day. A thing from P'nal's office with her name on it, a thing for her. It loomed large in the room for all that it was only a bit of paper.

P'nal's final thoughts. And he'd written them for _her_.

She sighed and reached for her wine, as if the half-bottle she'd downed wasn't enough already. Her head swum and she knew she was using the alcohol to fill her belly and avoid going down to the dining cavern. Whether they meant to or not, her wingmates made her feel guilty for not reading the letter sooner, and ashamed for not feeling the way P'nal wanted her to. And guilty because it was him and not her that was lost /between/. Drinking helped. Besides, there was no way she could face the letter sober. It was all his fault, really. If he hadn't written her a letter in case of death and then gone and gotten himself killed, she wouldn't be facing the sharding thing.

It would be easier to light a candle and take the edge of the envelope to it. Whatever was in that letter wouldn't be good, or easy, or fair. Briefly she debated going off somewhere-anywhere-and avoiding P'nal for another day. But the letter would still be there when she got back. Waiting. Accusing.

It made her heart hurt. She downed the wine in her glass and poured herself another.

Nobody had ever left her a goodbye letter before. It wasn't as if people she knew hadn't died. They had. And some of those had been close friends, weyrling buddies. But this was the first time she'd ever gotten a letter and wasn't sure what to expect. They'd already sorted out whatever the thing between them had been, or rather, Harki had thought they had. But P'nal wouldn't have written her a letter if he'd agreed.

P'nal. She was grieving over him more than she should, given the nature of their non-existent relationship.

And then there was the letter.

The greenrider grit her teeth, downed the full glass of wine, and plucked it from its shelf. The paper was soft, as if it had been handled many times, and the feel of it caused an ache in her chest and a tingle on her skin. The paper held the ghost of his touch. Slowly she flipped it over and broke the wax seal.

~*~

Harki:

I have watched you from afar for so very long. You never noticed me before, but I always noticed you. You shine so bright like the Dawn Sisters. You are strong. You are brave.

I've gone through life doing my duty. Other than my Impression, I cannot count a single moment where I have been happy and fulfilled. I was honored when G'nir asked me to be his Wingsecond but it didn't complete my life. It was just another duty to perform in my service to my Weyr and my wingriders. I don't know what happened when you left; only that when you came back I noticed immediately. It was like nothing had changed. You were still the same daring Harki I had always admired. I saw you grasping life while I continued going through the motions. I thought about you and realized that you were now my wingrider. That meant I had to pull back. I would have given
it all up and finally taken a risk to hold my life in my hand. You didn't want to take a real chance on me though. I was the only risk you never took.

So I went through the days and I knew I'd never approach you again. I gave up on taking risks. Perhaps I will live to be 100 turns doing the same thing day in and day out. Perhaps I will tell you goodbye quietly if you ever leave again. Sometimes I wish I had been a different man. Maybe if I was like that other brownrider I heard you with... You think he's fun. He would never take care of you like I would though. I wish you happiness. I wish you life. I wish you real love if you are ever ready for it. Someday, I will be ready to accept my lot. I will give up on the possibility that you will change your mind. I will grow old and watch the world change around me. I will stop wondering what it would have been like to see you smile because of something I did or to wake up knowing that I could call you unequivocally mine. I imagine the joy you might bring me and that hope is why I don't give up.

Maybe someday I will tell you these things. Maybe I never will. If you ever read this it is probably because someone else gave it to you. I know I am not exciting or fearless, but I am a good man. I would give you everything I had. It is likely too late now. So with regret I tell you now that I loved you and I wish I had been enough to take a risk on. Fly high Harki. Clear skies. And don't ever stop being the amazing woman you are.

>From a Humble Brownrider,
P'nal

~*~

She read it twice, heart in her throat and eyes stinging. Then, carefully, she folded it up and put it back into its envelope.

He'd said she was amazing, fearless and brave. He'd given up. And shells she was angry, so _angry_ -- that he'd gone and died on her, that he hadn't tried harder, that she was too broken, too heartless to love him back. P'nal had deserved so much better than some stupid greenrider like her. What the blazes had he been thinking?!

Carefully she put the letter back on its shelf, then recklessly she reached for the bottle. Because although P'nal was the one who'd made a mistake in Threadfall, she was the one who was going to pay for it. She was the one who would shoulder the weight of his memory and all the might-have-beens that had grown between them.

It wasn't fair, but by Faranth, she'd make sure she payed.

Last updated on the May 8th 2015

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The Letter