My light's extinguished. Help?

[Leigh]

So that grieving and emotional rollercoaster I've mentioned in the Cbox? It's the end result of two and a half years of having my twin, her cat, her boyfriend, and their three kids come live with Mom, Dad, and I because their boss slashed their hours so much they couldn't afford their townhouse.

Two and a half years of surrendering so much space of the downstairs that my only safe place is my room. I have to shower upstairs because I never know who might be in the shower down here, and my un-toilet-trained nephew has used it as a toilet a few times at bathtime. I had to surrender my own TV so my roomies could keep the kids placated. (They claimed I can ask for it at any time, but boy does my nephew raise a fuss when I do it while he's around.) Two and a half years of diaper stench, cigarette stench, medical marijuana stench, burned food stench, and body odor. Two and a half years of NOISE.

I'm autistic, and I have anxiety and suicidal depression. I'm high-functioning, but it's still a hangup. All this crowding, all this stink, all this NOISE (which is probably the worst part since I have hyperacusis and can hear dog whistles) have steadily broken me down and sent me diving for comfort food and wine more often than not, to the point that I'm now even more obese and pre-diabetic, which I can't bring myself to really care about. Everything I'm doing to combat it has no heart behind it. I've essentially sacrificed my physical and and most of what's left of my mental health so my sister and her family could have a home they could afford to live in. I don't know how I've gotten through this without taking an Xacto knife to my flesh again, especially after I ran out of fragile objects to break.

Mom and Dad have been sympathetic, but honestly, they've also been largely useless because an eviction would mean the kids would be homeless if low-income housing couldn't be found. Mom's fought me tooth and nail when it comes to getting an antidepressant, fearing it would make me even more obese and truly diabetic and make me lose my legs and fall into a coma and die. Dad doesn't want to buy me an RV or convert his office into a room to move me and my cat Kravitz upstairs, because the dogs would try to attack Kravitz and if the boyfriend moves out, that's money that was saved. In all truthfulness, everyone, I'm only alive because Kravitz is. As soon as he dies, I want to finish writing my will and execute my suicide. I've made this known to my family.

The point of all this? Everything came crashing down very recently. My twin, who has her own mental illness, cheated on her boyfriend at least twice and turned to meth. AGAIN. Mom and Dad are done bailing her out, because this is a pattern. She's done this before. She'll do this again if rehab and therapy don't work. She's been evicted and can never live here again, her oldest child has been hustled to her biological father's house where she's safe, her devastated boyfriend has custody of her cat, and we're all reeling. We get she was stressed as hell, but rather than just obtain a stronger form of mmj (we're in Colorado), or ask her bosses for fewer hours, she chose to do something she knew would cost her everything.

Her boyfriend is sticking with her, going with her to therapy and rehab while he looks for another job, despite my twin doing her "be close to me somewhere else" thing. That leaves my retired parents as the babysitters, and the more they have to watch the toddlers, the more sympathetic they become. They've begged me not to kill myself; Mom's looking for a therapist who'll take our insurance and has stopped fighting me on going back on an antidepressant, and both parents want to buy me an emotional support Dachshund when Kravitz passes, and they've assured me they'll need me as a caretaker when they get older.

But that's not good enough right now because I'm so angry. I'm so sad. I can't even get excited about going on vacation and hosting a convention panel anymore, and that con is one of my favorite things ever. Not being able to feel that happiness, that excitement, scares me, because the last time I couldn't get enthusiastic about something I loved, it meant I was going into a depressive downward spiral full of Very Bad Things. At this point I'd even take more pre-con prep panic.

My inner light, the gentle, lunar-like light I use to shine for people who need me, is gone. I don't know how to get it back or how to cope until I can get into therapy. If any of you have any advice on how to find that light again, how to deal until I can get professional help and additional medication, I'll make you jewelry. Or something. I'll pay you back somehow. I really do need help.

I want my light back.

[Yvonne]

*hugs* That sounds so, so hard, Leigh. I'm worried for you. We care about you here. I know you and I haven't really written together much, but you're an amazing, strong person from what I can tell from a lousy c-box chat. You're also smart, you're empathetic, and you're interesting. Please be ok.

I sometimes struggle with anxiety, and what I hold onto is that as dark as things get, I know that they'll eventually get better. Someday, somehow, they'll get better, even if it seems like a stupid Pollyanna thing to believe. And yet, every time, it has. But you have to hang on and be stronger than you know. And it's hard but we'll be here for you. If you ever need to chat, let me know and we can arrange a Skype date. For serious. Or WhatsApp if that's easier.

As for the antidepressants -- nobody tells someone with cancer to take fewer medications. Your body is out of whack and needs a boost, and there's no shame in that. I literally had a conversation about this with a friend of mine this afternoon, and we realized that over 1/2 the people we know socially have dealt with mental illnesses like depression and gone on medication for it at some point in their lives. *hugs* I hope you can find an insurance place quickly - I honestly don't understand the American medical system.

Anyway. I think you're amazing. Please be ok. I would like to know you better, and I would really love to chat fairy tales with you sometime. I adore European fairy tales but honestly don't know much about the Japanese ones. You have so much to offer!

And seriously, text me or Whatsapp me. I will send you oodles of kitten pictures!

PS. I was the one who viewed this topic twice -- just me refreshing my browser!

[Mirren]

All I can say is ((((hugs)))). I'm sure all of that would have driven me nuts a long time ago. I don't cope well with that kind of thing. Heck, I only play well with other in a limited capacity or via email.

Fell free to rant via email any time.

[Paula]

Aw, Leigh. Your story made me want to cry. It makes my life look like a walk in a park. Hang in there, things may look gloomy right now but from the bottom, there's only one way: up. (Yes, I'm annoyingly positive person myself).

*Big Hug*  I care about you. We here for you. Rant all you want and we listen.

[Jane]

Sorry to hear about all this Leigh.  I'm amazed you're coping at all.  I don't think your light is extinguished - I don't think anybody's truly is.

I absolutely can't offer any advice other than give the cat another hug.  It's what I'd do if I was facing a hundredth of what you're dealing with.

[emma]

I have never been in a situation like yours, so I can't comment. But please, the one thing I do know is that talking, venting, screaming at people will help. We are here, and sometimes, writing things down/saying them aloud can help you formulate your own thoughts about a situation.

[Avery]

Aww, Leigh. This is really hard to hear, and I'm sorry. Drugs are an addiction that can make people do incredibly stupid things, and I'm sorry that your twin's poor choice has had such an awful ramification on you.

Feel free to drop me a PM for my IMs and contact info if you need.

And Yvonne's right - medical help is not a shame. Antidepressents are not a bad thing. When we're depressed or bipolar, our mental chemistry is out of whack, and the drugs help regulate that so we can get control over ourselves. It's not a shameful thing. And your parents shouldn't be that worried about side effects, because those can be addressed in different ways - and often the meds putting your brain back on keel will help you take actions that you hadn't been doing before to stave off upcoming problems.

You say you're not really excited about the con or the vacation now. Please still go anyway, if you can bring yourself to. The reason I suggest this is it sounds like a lot of the stress is situational. I wonder if being at the con and doing your panel will lift it just for a bit - because you'll be in surroundings you've historically enjoyed, doing something you've historically loved, and maybe sympathetic resonance from that will help awaken a bit of joy, and light, and life, that will give you a few days off. And then maybe you'll carry that back with you, refreshed and stronger. (When my grandmother died last year I was in a huge depressive funk. Going to the convention I run, because it was in another state, because it was so far away, gave me that boost of sympathetic joy I needed to survive the rest of the year. I really hope your con can do that for you.)

[Suzee]

One thing I want you to know Leigh is that YOU ARE AMAZING!

One more time:

YOU ARE AMAZING!!!

I understand that you don't have control of the situation or even much influence in how it all goes down. But I truly believe what Avery said about handling your situation.

• Take your meds
• Do the Con
• Do not take your life.
• This is temporary... or as the sages say "And this too shall pass." It's from an old story about King Solomon.

You are not your twin, no matter how much you are similar. You have obviously made better choices in your life. I just want to reach out and hug you and tell you how very much you mean to us all.

Please know that you are in my prayers!

[Leigh]

(hugs for all) I promise I'm keeping up with my own medications, and I'm not going to do anything to hurt myself for as long as I can. The con is still happening; I'm on the schedule, and it's too late to cancel the hotel reservation. And after that is a house/petsitting stint for nearly fourteen days. Whoo for vacations.

Thank you for caring, everyone. It means a lot to me, and it does help.

[Chelle]

So...I would have seen this sooner except work has swallowed me amongst other things. Very big transition going on right now and it's very strange.
First of all, I love you lady. You're a very cool person and indeed you have put up with a lot of stuff in your life. Despite all of that, here you are. And I applaud you for that. Now my situation is a bit different from yours but it wasn't at one point so I'm going to share....
When I was in high school I had alot of things happen that caused me to go into depression. I hid it very well. Never told anyone. As a result, I felt very isolated and without support. And I did attempt to commit suicide. Again, never told anyone. It scared me, very badly. So I finally shook Mom's head until she agreed to get me therapy. Unfortunately, the therapist wasn't that great. However, she did send me to a psychiatrist that gave me antidepressants. My mother decided I didn't need them. So instead of weaning me off gradually, I went cold turkey. Of course if you know anything about those medicines you'd know that's a very bad thing. I sort of had a major meltdown. At that point, I was too afraid of the meds but I had to change the situation I was in. So...I stuck it out until I could leave home and get away from everything. Never had any meds since. Never had any other real issues since. So.....I understand where you're coming from. I know you can't get yourself out of the situation because of the other issues but maybe besides the meds there are other outlets you can utilize to reduce your stress level. Support is key. Let people know what's going on. And yes, good therapy and meds can be a huge help.

If you need inspiration....I'll be glad to write with you. I can skype too when I'm actually online with free time which is dwindling these days. But anyway, love ya! Be strong! And let that light shine. Just change out the bulb and I know it'll be okay.

[Leigh]

You're amazing too, Chelle. (hugs)

[Jelena]

Oh my, only coming across this just now. That really had me crying, dear. I don't know much to say besides what everyone else has been saying. But I'm here too, just like everyone else here, if you need to talk or vent or whatever. You are an amazing person, a truly amazing person and just know you touch a lot of people's hearts here with your writing and your wonderful personality.

[Leigh]

Update on the drama.

My sister's lease at the Ramada expired and her ex-husband wants to re-work the custody agreement of their daughter; my sister's boyfriend found a new full-time job, and they both found a house or duplex or something they really like, but it won't be ready until October tenth.

Dad called me two or three days ago and asked if I could stand to have my sister back in the house until they can move into this new place.

I said yes because there weren't any other options on the table, but they owed me big.

Hey, I lived through two and a half years of this. What's thirty or so more days? (At least that's what I tell myself.)

So now, comfort purchases have been made (two of which Mom and Dad paid for; so what if it's bribery?), and my sister is taking care of the toddlers while her eldest child is still safe with her father and her boyfriend works. (I had already forgotten how loud and disruptive her smoker's cough is.) I was determined to treat her like a ghost and only speak to her if needed, but just a few minutes ago I found myself showing her one of the prizes I got from Nan Desu Kan, and then hugging her and basically saying "I'm still really mad at you, but it's stupid this is so awkward."

I can't love her. Can't forgive her. Can't trust her in the least ever again. Never really could trust her at all in the past. Why did I do this? I don't understand.

[Heather]

I'm sorry I've been so busy that I missed this Leigh. You're a champ for dealing with everything that you are going through with your family. You are wonderful, talented and awesome!

[Yvonne]

*hugs* I don't have a good answer to your question, Leigh. People are so complicated, and your situation is beyond crazy. Heather's right - you're a champ to be dealing with this! Addiction creates problems so far beyond just the person using. Just a few more days. You can do it! It's just one day at a time, and please... do your best to go easy on yourself. We're here to listen any time!