Why Do We Do the Things We Do?

Patrick · April 24, 2007, 06:17:45 PM

I want everyone I know to read this. Whether you be friend, enemy, or acquaintance this has to get out there. Take of it what you will, but this was a very important story to me, raw emotional, and true.

This may make things a bit clearer for those of you who have been wondering whats going on...

Why do we do the things we do? Why are we such liars and cheats and scandals? He asked himself all this questions as he stood there before the door with the plastic grin on his face. His shirt was ruffled, his hair everywhere, like he'd either rushed to put on the khaki short sleeved garment, or he'd just had sex. But the smile was too fake, too imaginary for sex. Nothing more than a front to stop awkward questions.

But did he want those questions unanswered? Did he want to show the world a lying shank? Had he sunk that low? As he turned the knob on the door he began to wonder, and his smile began to fade. What was the point? Why did he have to lie?

Why, he thought, must he play the part in an organization that what against his very beliefs? Because he feared his fathers disappointment? Because his mother continued to guilt him into it?

And why, pray tell, did he continue to make up excuses for how he felt? Why did she have to assume it was just the way he acted, that he was weird? Why couldn't he just tell her how he felt? How he adored the way she laughed and how she moved her hips just slightly as she walked. How, her words made him feel exposed and alone, yet at the same time wanted, safe. How he dreamed of caressing that smooth arm, that gentle touch expressing all he felt without word. How he wished to smell her hair, to watch her face as she spoke to him and him alone. He didn't want sex, like so many of his fellow peers. He wanted that glance across the room that said so much with so little. That smile that was for him alone and he could return it without feeling he was walking on a tightrope that was being cut at one end. And even though he wanted all that, he knew it wouldn't happen, because he knew she didn't love him back. Didn't want that relationship he dreamed of.

And why, he wondered as he stood at the door, did he have to put on a face everyday so others wouldn't ASSUME he was something he wasn't? Why did he care so much about what others thought? About people he didn't even know making judgments about him without even saying hello? About Rejection? About fearing to tell someone how he felt because he was scared she wouldn't feel the same? About Disappointment? Why did he care that his parents might be disappointed that he wished to quit an organization that went against what he stood for? About how he had to LIE to feel normal there, about how every moment, every time he was there he had to put on a face, listen to words he shouldn't hear, lead a group he already knew he wasn't a part of anymore. Not really.

And why was it so hard to portray there feelings? To let others know this? He stepped away from the door, disgust and fear. He glanced down at that khaki shirt, appaled he would pick it up again, pick up this LIE! HE ripped the shirt from his body, his naked chest heaving from his disgust

and anger.

He wouldn't do it anymore. I won't do it anymore. It's time to stop living this lie. To let the world know how I truly think of its egotistical ideals. To stop letting superficial people run my life. I'm SICK of living this lie, of being a cheater. I can't do it anymore. I won't.

Kaysea · April 26, 2007, 09:16:01 AM

*looks around*

*scratches head*

Sorry hun, if this is an analogy, its been totally lost on me. Like a B52 it's gone straight over my head.

Did you leave ROTC or something?

I gather whatever it is, it has caused you a lot of pain, and your parents won't be too pleased?

If you're having probs, we can all sit and listen/talk if you want to?

*hugs*
Kaysea

Patrick · April 26, 2007, 12:54:50 PM

No not ROTC, Boy Scouts. I just needed to vent Tuesday night (after skipping ANOTHER scout meeting, which after my mom got home she was all in my face) and even after I wrote this the first time in my room I couldn't sleep and I realized it was because I had to let people know what had changed in me, what I'd realized about myself and about humanity. Its not an apology, its an announcement. An announcment that I'm through conforming to peoples twisted views of society just because of some superficial ideal.

Kaysea · April 26, 2007, 05:58:28 PM

Quote from: "Patrick"No not ROTC, Boy Scouts. I just needed to vent Tuesday night (after skipping ANOTHER scout meeting, which after my mom got home she was all in my face) and even after I wrote this the first time in my room I couldn't sleep and I realized it was because I had to let people know what had changed in me, what I'd realized about myself and about humanity. Its not an apology, its an announcement. An announcment that I'm through conforming to peoples twisted views of society just because of some superficial ideal.

Oh ok....as long as you're alirhgt, hun.

Tis cool!

*hugs*

Vix · April 26, 2007, 06:02:22 PM

Ok, Boy Scouts was one of my guesses.
However, as I read through that post, I went from one thing to another, thinking it this and then that, not knowing what had set you off.
That's probably why no one responded to your post for so long -- no one knew what you were talking about.

Kaysea · April 26, 2007, 06:11:15 PM

Quote from: "Vix"Ok, Boy Scouts was one of my guesses.
However, as I read through that post, I went from one thing to another, thinking it this and then that, not knowing what had set you off.
That's probably why no one responded to your post for so long -- no one knew what you were talking about.

Until I stumble in with foot in mouth disease....

I'm glad it was just Scouts hun.

I always thought Lord Baden Powell had done a good thing starting the Boy Scout Movement.

Just a note though:
What ever you decide to do, always remember to Be Prepared. ;)

PastMember · April 26, 2007, 08:31:32 PM

I somewhat understand what that all feels like, even though my situation was completely different. The one thing I realized about myself was that I was scared. Terribly scared, and once I decided to do something about it... people began making assumtions about me and why I was the way I was.

When I graduated high school my sister (twin) told me that no one would speak to me because they thought I was bitch. To say the least, I was a loner. But, I was loner because I wanted to hide everything I thought and felt because they scared me.

Took forever to do something about it, but I did. And man did it feel good. And now... I smile - A LOT.

I hope everything turns out okay for you and that the road isn't so rough in the future.

PastMember · April 27, 2007, 08:45:43 AM

I know this is going to sound trite, but believe me, its true- life is very, very different after high school. To some, who loved high school (those who love the popularity contests, the "right" and "wrong" tables at the lunch room and the fact that they can fool adults into thinking they are nice people, when really they treat everyone "beneath" them as if they aren't human) it comes as a rude awakening. They will spend the rest of their lives wishing they could go back and live those 4 years over.

Then, there are the rest of us. Those who thought high school was one big joke, one that wasn't at all funny. Getting out is a relief. The "real world" is nothing like high school... and believe me, that's a good thing!

PastMember · April 27, 2007, 09:01:53 AM

PS- The above post was not meant to insult anyone... I know there are many different kinds of people, and not everyone in the "in" crowd happens to be jerks! Just using a bit of broad generalization... please don't be upset!

PastMember · April 27, 2007, 09:41:39 AM

I was non-existent in high school and I thought that leaving my hometown and going to college in Detroit would put me in a place where I belonged - it was an art school after all.

I was horribly wrong.

In college, I felt even more awkward and alone that I did in high school. I was lucky though, I met my fiance 6 mths into my first year of college. So, that helped.

Maybe it was the artists, or maybe it was just me. But, it wasn't until recently... when I withdrew from college and moved to New Mexico that I finally feel like I'm where I should be.

Yet, I also know that it isnt the same for everyone. My sister left high school, failed out of college, went back home and she loves college. I just loved the classes, the people were just like the people in high school.

The one bit of advice I can give on it all: Don't change to conform to it. Do whatever you do and ignore what everyone else is doing. It makes life so much easier and that way, the friends you have... you'll know they're real.

Bree · April 27, 2007, 09:56:55 AM

Life is an adventure in finding where you belong. No one who knew me growing up would have guessed that when I was 21 I was going to leave everything I owned behind and get on a greyhound bus and move to Alabama. It was the most insane, unpredictable thing I had ever done (and I've done a few in my day). I showed up in this state with an overdrawn bank account, a computer, and a few boxes of books.

And now I'm married and graduating from college and the happiest I've ever been in my life.

You never know where the roads of life will lead you, but you need to be brave enough to charge off the beaten path from time to time no matter what everyone thinks you should do. ;)